‘Chutes Do It Again

The 2013 Scuffle Immersion Rookie Draft was unlike any in the history of the DownState CornChutes, and will long be remembered by ‘Chutes fans. The team added six new faces, who, without question, might someday contribute to the starting lineup.

Immediately following the draft, manager Jonathan Marcot emerged from the team’s War Room wearing a look on his face that simultaneously conveyed triumph, exasperation, and disorientation. Standing ankle deep in a pool of self-exultation, Marcot began a six and a half hour lecture, sequentially praising each of the ‘Chutes selections, justifying each as a “value pick” that “filled a need.”

“No one had pegged [Christine] Michael for the first round, but I was right there to swoop in and snatch him up!” snarled Marcot, flashing an unsettling and clearly forced smile. “Our greatest team need was a WR that could step in and start for us right away. I’m 110% convinced one of the three we drafted can do that sometime in the next three years.” Marcot also insisted that 4th round pick TE Travis Kelce and 5th round pick DE Datone Jones, “give us a lot of depth,” and will ensure that the CornChutes bench continues to outscore its starters on a regular basis.

Praise from within the organization was swift and effusive. CornChutes defensive coordinator Fritz Shurmur gushed, “Uh, ok. I guess we didn’t need any more defensive players? We’ll just go with what we got in the auction, then, shall we?” CornChutes QB Drew Brees seemed equally enthusiastic about the emphasis on the offensive side of the ball. “[Christine] Michael, [Cordarelle] Patterson, Travis [Kelce]… They’re all great young players. I only regret that they’re not going to get the chance to play this year.” RB David Wilson had a similar take, “Huh.”

Other anonymous sources within the organization appear less convinced. One front office executive remarked, “I’m not sure he actually knew who any of the players he selected are.” Team financier, and former host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, Bob Saget, seemed concerned, “It really seemed like Marcot was on drugs. Or maybe he wasn’t taking the drugs he usually does. I don’t know. He was [expletive] up the whole time.”

When asked about the source of his omnipotent command of the draft, Marcot replied that he, “learned a lot,” from a Pro Football Weekly Fantasy 2013 magazine he found the men’s room at O’Hare International Airport in March of 2013. Marcot added of the teams selections, “They all seem like nice guys. I’m looking forward to taking each of them out for a Happy Meal™.”

Ultimately, the success of any draft will be borne out on the field, or, I suppose, on the computer, or whatever. The CornChute faithful have learned to trust Marcot’s uncanny proficiency in the draft. Past selections that made casual fans vomit in outrage, or were scorned by ignorant, petty, and jealous managers of other teams, have blossomed into unassailable stars, such as 2012 3rd round pick CB Morris Claiborne. The results speak for themselves. Clearly, in 2013, the ‘Chutes have done it again.

© 2013, Jonathan Marcot. All rights reserved.