BATAVIA, IL
The Colliders have been the best team in the league in terms of record and scoring, but only have one title to show for it. GM Josh Hammond entered free agency with the goal of finding those few players that could help put his team over the top.
He did not meet that goal.
Hammond was exposed as wholly unprepared for the new restricted free agency rules. He blithely agreed to a stipulation, posed by Enright, that compensation for an RFA be based on the winning bid rather than what the owning team determined in a tag. So instead of guaranteeing a first round pick for the services of Alec Ogletree, the price for the coveted LB was run up to $18 by Adam Franssen – with the compensation being only a stupid 2nd rounder. Remember that name – Adam Franssen – his dickish ways appear again later in this article.
So instead of keeping Ogeltree for less than $5, Hammond paid $18. Nice money management.
In unrestricted free agency, Hammond identified two positions to target a starter: Tight End and Defensive End.
Hammond was unprepared for the explosion of TE prices that began in restricted free agency. Amazed that teams would spend so much on guys he budgeted $1 for (like Bears’ oft-injured TE Zach Miller,) Hammond was left with the scraps, and ended up signing Jace “Maybe I’ll Play Tomorrow” Amaro. And even with the Amaro signing, some dick pushed the price up to $2 (probably Franssen.)
At defensive end, Hammond saw each of his opening bids immediately get bid up out of his price range. “I’m not paying a lot of money for such an inconsistent position,” lied Hammond. After his top-3 choices were priced out, he settled on Olivier Vernon. The Colliders were all set to acquire him for $1 – he was in the red. That’s when Franssen swooped in and raised the price to $5. Hammond fired off an email:
Seriously you fucktard. If you’re going to do that, don’t fucking wait until Mario Edwards is off the board. “OOOOhhh, OOOHHH, time’s almost up, let me be a dick.”
Hammond then increased the bid to $7 and started the clock the fuck over. Franssen responded:
Nice. Vernon is going to be a beast, so I’m glad you’re not getting him for $1. I’ll leave him alone now, even though my strategy is apparently to wait for Hammond to nominate a defender so I know he’s good and then bid on him.
Seems like Hammond was going to get Vernon for $7, right? Well, with just a few hours left (but not in the red,) Franssen went back on his word (which is garbage, everyone should know that now,) and bid Vernon up again. The Colliders eventually got their man, the guy they were this close to getting for $1 for a stupid sum of $11. All because Franssen is a dick.
“We had to get someone at that position. The only guy on our roster was 2nd string Jarvis Jenkins. We’ll probably give him a one-year deal and see what happens.” Hammond also added DE Chris Baker for $1 as insurance in case Franssen proved to be even more dickish.
As for Franssen’s assertion that Vernon is going to be a “beast?” Let’s see what Pro Football Focus thinks:
Vernon was PFF’s 47th-ranked edge defender, 38 places below teammate Cameron Wake. He had 24 total pressures on the season, which ranked 25th among edge rushers.
Given that everybody else in the league was content to let him go to the Colliders for $1, the $11 price tag Hammond eventually paid seems outrageous. They do have someone to insert into the starting lineup at DE at least.
The Colliders also acquired a backup CB in Patrick Peterson, who scored 69 points in an injury shortened season. Just kidding. He played all 16 games and only scored 69 points. Good signing. Maybe he can start one game and get negative punt return yardage.
With Kam Chancellor as an adequate (and cheap) safety, the Colliders looked to find a backup. They put up two names at once, figuring one would be outbid: Clayton Geathers and Eric Berry. They were able to sign both for $1. Berry is holding out and Geathers is injured, so things are looking great right now.
Fans expressed their outrage on message boards that the Colliders didn’t target a running back, given that they only have three on their roster, two of which are entering their final contract year.
“Look,” said Hammond, “We’ve got like $40 in cap space, so we can’t pay $40 to fucking DeMarco Murray, okay?”
The position could potentially be filled in the draft, as the Colliders have the 2nd and 8th pick. There’s no RB, other than Ezekial Elliot, worthy of the number 2 pick, so Hammond has to decide which receiver is going to be “the guy.” Most fans are pessimistic about the draft given Hammond’s abject failure in free agency.
The prevailing sentiment can be summed up by this message board post from Colliders’ fan Batavia4Lyfe:
Hamond (sic) is a cheapskate until it’s time to overpay douches like Vernon. Then he’s a regular Rockefeller. I hate that guy so much.
Hammond needs a solid draft in order to turn the tide of public opinion. He has a history of good drafting, and has a few weeks to recover from his rocky free agency performance.
© 2016, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Great article – loved it. Esp enjoyed the message board post – that was probably also Franssen.
In light of my spending freaking $36 on Woodhead, I should also probably contribute an article …
Yeah, my scale for RB compensation is WAY different than the rest of the league. But you were battling it out with Franssen for Woodhead, right? Probably could have had him for $4.
FRANSSEN!!!!!! *shakes fists at the sky*