Ryan Lindsay still hasn’t mailed the trophy to Jason Enright. What a dick.
He must think he’s going to win it all again this year, despite his 6-7 performance last season. He must have been surprised when $1 QB Carson Palmer put up 234 points, most of his passes going to Larry Fitzgerald. I, for one, was surprised to see the duo score more than 400 points. Adrian Peterson returned to form after sitting for a year (child abuse,) and even Jeremy Maclin performed. In fact, they had a pretty incredible string of luck with seemingly pedestrian players putting up the seasons of their lives. Still, 6-7. Not good enough, amirite?
How about now?
I don’t know, I have to look at their roster. It’s changed 57 times this offseason. Most recently, Ryan welcomed Weldin back to the fold by taking Todd Gurley off his hands. SMDH.
QB: Carson Palmer, who didn’t hold out since Ryan signed him to a 3-year deal, Eli Manning, and Blaine Gabbert. You know what? Fuck this group. No way any of these guys eclipse 200 points. Your luck has ended, Ryan. The curse of the unearned trophy begins now.
RB: It is written that Purple Jesus said, “Yea, let the children come unto me, so that I may strike them with a switch, for an energetic child of five will not reside in the kingdom of heaven. Also, my momma beat me and I turned out all right.”
[checks roster]Oh right, Peterson plays for the Pirates now. Well, goodbye Adrian and hello Todd. Todd Gurley, formerly the Silvertips’ best asset, finds himself in a Bantha uniform today. He’ll team up with CJ Anderson I guess? Darren Sproles? Rashad Jennings? Rob Kelley? Shit, this team just isn’t the same without Peterson. Gurley is a good #1, but they’ve got nobody else, really.
WR: Odell Beckham enters the final year of his rookie deal. He’s a steal at $8.86 this season. One more productive year and he’ll be making north of $60 next season. Someone was trying to tell me that ODB was overrated the other day, and then I found this stat that says he has more receiving yards and touchdowns in his first 2 seasons than any receiver in the history of the NFL. And he missed four games in his rookie year. That’s why he fell to the 2nd round. Dez Bryant is on this team now? That could be a good 1-2 punch if he stays healthy. Jeremy Maclin held out for more money and got it. They also have Tedd Ginn and his whole family, not to mention Mohamed Sanu. A lot of money tied up in this position, but a Beckham injury makes this team look a lot weaker.
TE: Travis Kelce and Jesse James. How come every man and woman is named Jesse James now? Can’t be real. I call bullshit.
PK: Graham Gano and Brandon McManus. Bestine’s bold move to carry two kickers at once is going to lead to Ryan chasing points at the kicker position like a madman.
DT: Geno Atkins is very good, and Brandon Williams is pretty good. $8 at the position is a bit much, but hey, if you can get somewhat consistent production out of it, maybe it’s worth it.
DE: A lot of guys here: Michael Bennett, Jurrell Casey, Jabaal Sheard, and Stephon Tuitt. Bennett is pretty good, but he loses some value when they call him a DE and make him play DT.
LB: Karlos Dansby is still alive and still productive, now with his 42nd NFL team. They have David Harris and Danny Trevathan and…and…nope, that’s it. Better get some help here, son. You shouldn’t have tried to screw me in the Anthony Barr trade proposal. Now Oregon has him and you don’t.
CB: David Amerson and Prince Amukumara. Two guys I tried to get, only to have Ryan outbid me. Jerk.
S: Eric Weddle, Antoine Bethea, and Earl Thomas have all had their moments at one time or another. Shamarko Thomas has a good name. I tried to get him based off his name alone, but Ryan beat me to him.
You know what, a few days ago I thought this team was good. But now that I look at them, I can see they are nothing more than hot garbage. Their QB position is DEAD. Gurley can’t do it alone, and I promise you that Beckham will get hurt this season, and Ryan will be relying on the lie that is Jeremy Maclin. And Dez Nuts Bryant proved last year that he’s nothing without Romo by his side. They’ll start 0-4, unless they send the trophy and lift the curse.
My prediction: 4-9
© 2016 – 2019, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Savagery. I hope CJ Anderson is good this year as he’s on my Dynasty team.
Yeah, is he ever going to be as good as advertised?