The CornChutes were a heavy favorite to win the title last year. They had the best record in the league at 11-2 and scored the most points. As luck would have it, they faced the second best team in terms of record (the Pirates – from their own division) in the title game, and barely lost by 5 points.
The 2015 ‘Chutes roster was littered with high performing players, most of whom came at a reasonable price. This is not the case in 2016. A victim of his own success, Marcot had to shell out top dollar to hold on to homegrown talent in restricted free agency. Still, Marcot’s got a couple of cheap former-bums-turned-starters, so let’s take a look at his chances.
QB: Russell Wilson and Blake Bortles. Damn, these guys are good. Wilson costs a lot of money, but he ended up being a top-5 QB last year. I can’t believe Bortles is good. I wish I had drafted him.
RB: $61 Le’Veon Bell will be riding the pine for the first three weeks. Dion Lewis was elevated to starter status, only to be horribly injured. Still, they’ve got the resurgent Doug Martin and Thomas Rawls for $1.10. That was a nice pickup last year.
WR: DeAndre Hopkins is costing the ‘Chutes $50 but he’s worth it. The ‘Chutes shipped off Jarvis Landry after a breakout season (and subsequent holdout,) leaving much to be desired at the WR2 position. Martavis Bryant is suspended, but the ‘Chutes hope to get adequate production out of Stefon Diggs, Donte Moncrief, and Michael Crabtree while they wait for their first round draft pick Tyler Boyd to acclimate. Not super strong here, but most likely okay.
TE: Marcot signed Eric Ebron and took on his full $6.33 salary. Ebron was immediately carted off the field. The injury isn’t as gruesome as once feared, and he’s 50-50 to play in week 1. They drafted Tyler Higbee in the third round, and picked up Cameron Brate in hopes that Austin Seferian-Jenkins crumbles under Dirk Koetter’s suffocating paternalism. They’ve also got Julius Thomas who held out and then got suspended, making it an easy decision to not pay him. His asking price of $12.54 looks pretty reasonable in today’s TE market.
PK: Mason Crosby, who is awesome on The Onion’s Tough Season:
DT: Aaron Donald. Dude is a beast. Only DT worth having. I mocked Marcot for drafting a DT in the second round, but now I’m eating crow. CROW, I SAY.
DE: Mario Edwards, who I wanted, is injured. That makes me a little bit happy. They also have both Minnesota defensive ends. Everson Griffen is okay, but if he sneaks into the top-10 he’ll be demanding a lot more money, thanks to JJ Watt.
LB: Deone Bucannon had a great season last year when he was classified as a S. Take away a quarter point for each tackle he made, and he’s going to wind up a pretty average linebacker. Stephone Anthony had a nice rookie campaign, and looks to improve as he is literally the only Saints defender who knows how to tackle. Derrick Johnson is still productive, despite being 87 years old, and Sean Lee will be good for a couple of games before he heads back to his “safe space,” aka IR. The rest of the group is adequate-to-below-average guys.
CB: Logan Ryan. Okay, I guess. He’s no Dave Groupsex, I can tell you that.
S: Kenny Vaccaro is a pretty nice get at $3. Harrison Smith is still holding out, even though he played like butt last year when DownState refused to meet his holdout demands. You’d think these guys would learn not to mess with DownState management. Reggie Nelson is still alive, apparently.
I can’t see these guys going 11-2 again. It will likely be a battle with the Pirates for the division again. Let’s say 8-6, since they do get to play the Gridiron Gang and Dream Team twice.
© 2016 – 2019, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
“What’s this Mothman Crashback?” That gets me every time.