2016 Preview – Holley Hawks

The Hawks have been the worst franchise in both of their seasons. I think we need to cut them a little slack for last year, though. They had multiple injuries, including Carlos Hyde, Chris Johnson, and Jason McCourty. Not to mention Joe Flacco. They got good performances from Eli Manning, Matt Forte, Lamar Miller, Jordan Matthews, and Kawann Short.

But let’s be real. They are 6-24 all time. That’s good for a 0.200 winning percentage. The only team they have a winning record against is the Silvertips. Ben Pershey rightly pointed out that he doesn’t get to play against the Hawks because of a quirk in the schedule system (there is one pair of teams that don’t play since we cut it down from 14 games to 13 games – for example, the Colliders never play the CornChutes in the regular season.)

Jeppsen made a bunch of moves this offseason. Were they the right moves? Could he win a quarter of his games this year? Let’s see:

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick and Andy Dalton. You know what? Those are pretty decent quarterbacks at a good price. Nice job with this position.

RB: Matt Forte, Lamar Miller, Melvin Gordon, Theo Riddick, and rookie Jordan Howard. I think it would be a bit much to expect Forte and Miller to match last season’s success, but I do like the Gordon for Hyde swap. I’m not a huge fan of the Jordan Howard pick in the second found since he’s the third string RB behind Ka’Deem Carey. If you can’t beat out Ka’Deem Carey, then you’re not good at football. This group will be average if healthy, bad if not.

WR: Jeremy got Franssened into taking on Dorial Green-Beckham, so now there are two Philly WR’s on the squad trying to track down wobblers from Carson Wentz (Jordan Matthews is the other, and should regress with a rookie QB.) Randall Cobb is the headliner with Marvin Jones being a sneaky good receiver now that he’s in Detroit. The Hawks made the bold move to draft Michael Thomas 4th overall, and he joins fellow Saints WR Brandon Coleman. I don’t buy Marqise Lee, but Terrance Williams is decent enough in a pinch.

TE: This team has 5 tight ends, I shit you not. Kyle Rudolph is probably the best of the bunch, but you’ve also got Jared Cook, and Dwayne Allen, not to mention recent draft picks CJ Fiedorowicz and Austin Hooper.

PK: Cairo Santos is the kicker on this team. He should get together with WR Pharoh Cooper for an all-Egypt-name team.

DT: Kawann Short got franchise-tagged, but if your DT is going to score more than 170 points then I’ll allow it.

DE: Tough sledding with Arik Armstead and Kendall Langford, both of whom are listed as questionable at press time (questionable talent, too, amirite?)

LB: He’s got twin brothers* DJ and Dominique Alexander on the squad. D’Qwell Jackson is still throwing his body around, and assist-master Daryl Smith is on the team. They also drafted rookie De’Vondre Campbell, who’s set to start at weakside linebacker, so that’s pretty good (and by “he” I mean “a bunch of us in the draft room who undid some dumb computer pick.”)

*This claim has not been validated.

CB: He has two Chicago corners, one of which is on IR. He also has Brent Grimes, who is notable for his anti-Semitic wife, Miko.

S: Corey Graham is a tackling machine and Chris Conte somehow is on a roster. That’s more than can be said for James Ihedigbo, who has been reporting to Holley’s facilities and pretending to still be employed while Clueless Jeppsen continues to sign his paychecks.

There are some parts of this roster that don’t totally suck, but man, we have some stacked teams this year. Has Jeppsen traded away next year’s first round draft pick yet? Because it’s only a matter of time.

There’s a strong possibility that they could win the Most Futile Franchise award for the third straight year. But man, can they really be that bad? I just don’t see them winning too many games. Do you? No, how could you?

Let’s put them at 3-10.

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