The Marshfield Pirates have won the title three times in the six-year history of the SCUFFLE Immersion. That’s crazy impressive. Each season, Enright manages to take a cap-strapped team and mold it into a winner. How does he do it?
Well, for one, he unloads bad contracts on unsuspecting trade partners. Then, he picks up quality defensive players who get the job done – last year it was Reshad Jones, who broke the record for safety scoring. Each year a multitude of players hold out for more money, and yet Enright is able to massage the cap and put together a winner.
But he can’t really do it again this year, can he? His farm teams in Oregon have seemingly wised up to him as they’ve learned the ropes in this IDP Contract-league format. Let’s just take a look at the old roster.
QB: Okay, he’s got Drew Brees for another year. That’s pretty good.
RB: Oof, Jay Ajayi, Tevin Coleman, and Ronnie Hillman. What a shit show!
[scrolls down]
Adrian Peterson and Danny Woodhead.
Oh. Goddamnit, Enright.
WR: Davante Adams, Nelson Agholor. Those guys might step up this year. What? How’d he get Eric Decker? Man that was such a bad trade when I sent him to the Chitons for a bag of beans, only to see him dominate despite terrible QB play. Still, not the strongest group (though he did draft Laquon Treadwell 12th overall.)
TE: Jordan Reed and Delanie Walker. I see what you’re all about. Going to go with the 2-TE offense to mask the weaker WR group, eh? You have Will Tye too? Damn, no wonder I can’t find a freaking starting tight end.
PK: Whatever. Who cares. Some guy named Rambo or something.
DT: Dontari Poe. Oh, Poe, you rascal. Remember when you teased me by being good for 2 weeks? Then you turned into a typical boom or bust DT. The other guy is named Jihad Ward. Enright, you sure that’s in good taste in light of the current climate, what with Kaepernick sitting for the anthem in what not? Why do you hate America?
DE: Something called a Jacquies Smith? Rotation player Cameron Wake? Derek “Hungry Like The” Wolfe? It’s a bumfest at defensive end. I bet they wear B.U.M sweatshirts to practice. Franssen knows what I’m talking about.
LB: The love affair with Vontaze Burfict continues. I remember how he had that one good season. Looks like he’s suspended to start this one. Enright is Brokeback Mountain when it comes to Burfict. Luke Kuechly is good though. Then you’ve got another group of random guys: Dont’a Hightower (Collider castoff -bum,) Jelani Jenkins (okay, good luck with that,) and Christian Kirksey. I only know about Kirksey because he was a midget on Madden. Does he even start, bro?
[checks depth chart]
Okay, fine, he starts. But will he even make it through one game, seeing as he’s 1’6″ tall? I say probably not.
Oh, and you’ve got Denzel Perryman. He also starts, apparently. Maybe these guys will surprise me.
CB: Jason McCourty. Paying $4 to chase last year’s 141st ranked corner. Oh, he was hurt? He was good two years ago? Guess what? Some guy nobody’s ever heard of is going to be the top rated corner this year. Probably Dave Groupsex.
S: Okay, a position of relative strength with Reshad Jones returning – except that he’s holding out. Tyrann Mathieu is also good, provided his legs don’t fall off. Byron Jones on a bye week? Okay, not too shabby.
Okay, this team has some strengths, but it isn’t very deep. Let’s see, I think I’ll peg them at 6-7 for the regular season.
[checks division competition]
Okay, 9-3. Damn it, Enright!
© 2016 – 2019, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
This like Sujfans Stevens saying that he is going to put out an album about all the states. But I trust you more to get it done.
You had me at the picture.
Nice job. Can’t argue with any of this analysis.
Yeah, hopefully this is less complicated than making 50 records.
Haha, nicely done. I think 6-7 is probably a pretty solid prediction. If you knuckleheads let me go above 0.500 and sneak into the playoffs, you’ll only have yourselves to blame.
Thoughts about the actual article:
–I blew it at DT again. I totally undervalue that position.
–I do have Hurns and Snead at WR, so hopefully it wont be completely terrible.
–I look really good in a Pirate hat
Oh yeah, I totally missed Hurns. See, you somehow seem to have solid teams despite not having a lot of household names on them. It’s really annoying.