The Gridiron Gang finished 6-7 and lost in the first round of the Most Futile Franchise tournament. Their $65 QB, Peyton Manning, ran out of HGH and fell off the face of the planet. He averaged 5 points a game before giving way to Jay Cutler. Manning was probably worse than Trent Dilfer in the Super Bowl – sure, he tied his brother for Super Bowl wins, but Eli’s wins were because he made miraculous plays. Peyton just handed the ball off and watched an elite defense work.
Quiz Time – No cheating:
Who was the Gridiron Gang’s highest scoring player last year?
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Did you say Gary Barnidge? Because it was Gary Fucking Barnidge. How did this team win 6 games?
And what are their prospects for this year, now that Old Man Manning isn’t destroying their cap space?
QB: Ryan Tannehill is the most accomplished guy on the squad, fantasy wise. Then you’ve got Jay Cutler, and new Minnesota QB Sam Bradford. They drafted Dak Prescott, and Tony Romo went to the IR five seconds later.
RB: Jonathan Stewart is foolishly holding out for $40. Jesus, the guy scored 124 points and wants $40. Good job with that RB position, rest of the league. You just can’t help yourselves, can you? Frank Gore returns, and will probably fall off the face of the planet this season. Jamaal Charles is there, but not looking like a wise $55 investment. Might not play in week 1. LeGarrette Blount is somehow still around the league, and is probably starting for New England. Justin Forsett was cut, but resigned, by the Ravens. They drafted CJ Prosise. Anybody afraid of this group? No? Me either.
WR: Somehow the people in Arizona were able to reanimate the corpse of Larry Fitzgerald last year, and he’s repaying the Gang with a holdout (Garcia had to match the price, since he has no other receivers of note.) There are two good things about this group, however. Number one, outside of Fitz, they are dirt cheap. Number two, the Gang drafted Sterling Shepard who should be able to step in right away. Other guys include Boldin, Hankerson, Kendall Wright, and Steve Smith (really.) Perhaps Rishard Matthews will take a step forward this season.
TE: Gary Barnidge – also known as Sweet Home’s best player. And the dude wants to be paid as such. So far Garcia has resisted paying him, and even signed Jason Witten as insurance (they also have Charles Clay.)
PK: Dan Bailey is a guy on an NFL roster that kicks the ball. They also have Josh “Alleged Wife Beater” Brown.
DT: Damon Harrison (good and cheap) and Clinton McDonald (good and not as cheap.)
DE: Carlos Dunlap is a good value at $8. They also have Cameron Jordan and Connor Barwin, not to mention holdout Jaye Howard. All of these guys can score points, so I wonder if we’ll see the rare 4-DE lineup one of these games.
LB: Thomas Davis turned in a Pro-Bowl season and now wants to be paid like it. They also have Brian “Complete Asshole on Hard Knocks” Cushing, Melvin Ingram, KJ Wright, and the ghost of James Laurinaitis. Not a top notch crew, especially if Davis is sidelined for seven weeks.
CB: Some guy named Antwon Blake is somehow holding out for $6. Geez, how does a 6-7 team with Gary Barnidge leading the way have so many fucking holdouts? Ronald Darby and Darius Slay are cheap, and Delvin “What’s Up” Breaux was a draft pick (3rd round!) last season, so he makes way too much money.
S: Three guys that cost $1.10 each: Kurt Coleman, Tony Jefferson, and Mike Adams. Garcia gets it.
I really don’t get how these guys went 6-7. I’m calling 4-9 this season.
© 2016 – 2019, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
This team was actually 6-3 after beating Fransburg and DownState in back to back weeks … then they crapped the bed and allowed Fransburg to sneak into the playoffs.
That’s nuts. The power of Gary Barnidge is real.
Sneak in, he says. Check the All-Play record. My team was getting everyone’s best shot.
There ARE a ton of holdouts on this team. I think Garcia goes worth the 2-year contract too often.
Yeah, a fun game is to look at the Points Allowed in the Gentlemen Scholars division last year, and compare those to the rest of the league.
Which is why I was so distraught about losing that week 13 game. I knew Fransburg could knock me out of the playoffs, so I was hoping to keep them out of qualifying.