2016 Preview – Cleveland Battery

Ben took over a horrible team, but it looks like he's turning it around.
Ben took over a horrible team, but it looks like he’s turning it around.


The Battery finished 3-10 last year, but they had the most points scored against them by far. Such is your luck when you play in the Gentlemen Scholars division (clearly the best division in the Immersion.) Andrew Luck took his $61 RFA contract and got hurt, allowing Pershey to renegotiate a much better deal. So, while they suffered in the short term, it worked out much better in the long term.

Fans were excited when Cleveland traded for Calvin Johnson at the end of the season, not knowing that their pick would go on to be the #2 pick in the draft (and not knowing that Megatron would rather retire than set foot in Cleveland.)

Even so, it looks like they are a team on the rise. Check it:

QB: Andrew Luck is healthy and making $26.39 instead of $67.10, so that’s nice. If he bounces back, the Battery get an automatic boost right there. Luck is backed up by RGIII (ha, same draft) and Trevor Siemian, so an injury to their primary signal caller will be pretty devastating.

RB: The Battery traded for LeSean McCoy, who has one expensive season left. He teams up with Jeremy Hill, making a decent backfield. After that it’s a bit more grim, with Duke Johnson being the next best player.

WR: A lot of moving and shaking here. Jarvis Landry comes to town, thanks to the big fat check Ben Pershey wrote. He teams up with Amari Cooper (beast) and Jordy Nelson, who hopes to bounce back from a year on injured reserve. This is a potentially lethal receiving group. Doug Baldwin was also signed, and that dude somehow scored 191 points last year.

TE: Richard Rodgers is holding out, but they also have Martellus Bennett, Crockett Gilmore, and Jimmy Graham. Why so many tight ends? Want to give me one of them?

PK: Blair Walsh, the latest “automatic” Minnesota kicker to choke hard in the playoffs.

DT: Gerald McCoy should be better, right? He had 8.5 sacks last year, which is great for a defensive tackle, but didn’t crack 100 points. What gives? Eddie Goldman is the backup.

DE: Muhammad Wilkerson is a nice player to have. They also drafted Joey Bosa in the third round. REACH! Looks like he won’t play a lot this year, at least not early on.

LB: Old Man Posluszny is still getting the job done. Pershey caught the rest of the league napping on 10-ppg LB Malcolm Smith, who came to Cleveland for a pittance of $1. Navorro Bowman didn’t return to his pre-gruesome injury form last year, but he did put together a solid season. If he can maintain that level of production this year, then Cleveland fans will be satisfied (to be fair, it doesn’t take much.) Shane Ray is a rush LB so don’t expect much out of him.

CB: Joe Haden is too good in real life to be an effective fantasy corner. That’s why the 5th round pick of James Bradberry is so interesting. Teams are going to test the rookie Carolina corner, so he should get plenty of tackles. Byron Maxwell is also on the team.

S: You’ve got four to choose from: Barry Church, Tayshaun Gipson, Micah Hyde, and Karl Joseph. The first three are $1 wonders, but Joseph was drafted in the second round, so he costs $8.

This team is definitely going to compete, especially when they venture out of the division to play those other suckers. Pershey has demonstrated a willingness to wheel and deal, and has done a remarkable job of bringing this team to the cusp of respectability. I think they’ll go 3-3 in the division and win four or five against the others. Let’s make a cautious prediction of 7-6 and a playoff berth for Cleveland.

And thanks to his recent articles, Ben will move up in the owner rankings as well.

© 2016 – 2019, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.

About Josh Hammond 222 Articles
Commissioner. Three-time champion (2011, 2016, 2018.) Keeper of spreadsheets.

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