Faithful readers of this here rag might remember the hot takes I spit forth in my 2016 Team Previews (example.) Well, I’m here to look back on said predictions. I’m holding myself accountable, now that the season is over and the playoffs are about to begin. Buckle up, kids, because a grown-up is about to talk.
Predictions I Got Right
The Bestine Banthas will finish 4-9.
Guess what, motherfuckers? The Bestine Banthas did finish 4-9. They went from hoisting the championship trophy to finishing dead last, earning the number 1 pick in the draft (already traded to Franssen, of course.)
The Sweet Home Gridiron Gang will finish 4-9.
I saw their bullshit roster and said, “I’m not buying their 6-7 season.” I was right. So, so right. Gary Barnidge did not return to form, and the rest of the team ate it, just like I said they would.
The Batavia Colliders will finish 9-4.
Okay, so it’s not that bold of a prediction to pick the Colliders to win the division. I mean, what else was going to happen? The (r)EvoLUtion were going to win it? Ha, as if. What’s more impressive is nailing the record down. The prediction was on shaky ground when the Colliders were 2-4, but a 7 game winning streak to close the season took care of that.
Predictions That Were Right in Spirit
The Fransburg (r)EvoLUtion will finish 9-4 and the division will come down to a tiebreaker with the Colliders.
Fransburg was in first place for the majority of the season, but lost to the Colliders in the final game, yielding the division title to Batavia yet again. The Colliders finished with a clean 6-0 division sweep; Fransburg’s two division losses came at the hands of Batavia. I predicted a strong push from the (r)EvoLUtion, and that’s exactly what happened as they challenged for the division. Their 8-5 record was only one off of what I predicted.
The Cleveland Battery will be much improved, but will finish 7-6 in a tough division.
The Battery were much improved, and they finished 6-7. That tough division part? Yeah, they went 1-5 in the Gentlemen Scholars division, despite being the 2nd highest scoring team in the league (Fransburg and Batavia were #1 and #3, respectively.) Cleveland’s bad luck just kept them out of the playoffs this year.
The DownState CornChutes will continue to be strong, and will finish 8-6.
Ha, well that record isn’t possible since we only play 13 games. I wonder if I meant 8-5. At any rate, the ‘Chutes finished 9-4 and repeated as division winners.
The Madtown Marauders will finish 5-8.
I said they were a one-trick pony with JJ Watt. Well, Watt got hurt this year, so they finished 4-9 instead of 5-8.
The Holley Hawks will continue to suck, expect a 3-10 record.
Actually, they did suck, and if they hadn’t beaten the Colliders by 2 points, then they would have finished at the proper record of 3-10. Instead, they finished 4-9, and were slightly better than the Banthas. That first round bye in the Most Futile Franchise bracket still puts them in the driver’s seat for the three-peat.
The Oregon Dream Team will finish 5-8.
More like 6-7, asshole! I imagine this is what Tim is saying right now.
The Pirates will either finish 6-7 or 9-3, depending on which prediction is the real one.
I had them pegged at 6-7, and they actually finished at 7-6 and made the playoffs. I think I made a joke about them going 9-3 after looking at the fact that Oregon and Sweet Home were in their division, but my joke was dumb because that record doesn’t add up to 13 games either. Pretty poor showing for a so-called math teacher. I think my heart was really with the 6-7 prediction, and they were a smidge better than that.
Predictions That Were, Okay I Admit It, Wrong
The Silvertips Will Finish 4-9.
To be fair, Weldin was missing in action at this point. The qualifier I put on it was that a competent owner could steer this team to 6-7. Turns out that Weldin came back, and that he was that competent owner. The ‘Tips finished 7-6 and made the playoffs.
The Chitons Will Finish 6-7.
To continue being fair, I did say that 6-7 would be good enough to win the division. The Chitons did just that, finishing 10-3 for the best record in the league and a 3rd straight division title. They were a bit stronger than I anticipated, finishing 5th in scoring. I also correctly predicted the ascension of Khalil Mack.
Seriously, though, those were some pretty good predictions. I won’t make a prediction about the championship, other than to say it won’t be Franssen.
Or will it?
Naw, it won’t.
But it could be.
Probably not.
Okay.
Not with Adam Thielen at WR.
Right, that makes sense.
Plus, Enright is a monster in the playoffs, historically.
Yeah, but the Pirates are down this year.
Okay, devil’s advocate time. Let’s say he gets past Enright. Can he beat the Colliders?
Hasn’t done it yet this year.
Yeah, he hardly ever beats them.
Really?
Really. The Colliders are 12-5 all-time against Fransburg.
Yeah, but Fransburg beat them three times last year.
That was last year.
True.
Are we still doing this?
Naw, we can be done.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
© 2016, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
My early season team was so dominant. Not so anymore. Not so. Sad face.
I have no idea what to expect from my team from week to week. They’re mercurial, I tell you!