Surprisingly it appears to be coming from the Gridiron Gang oddly enough. Why you ask? We might just have a few answers that confirm why. We spoke with one of the couple fans of the Gang. Here’s what one fan said:
“It appears that the G.M. Jesse Garcia has put down the bottle and put the Gang in some good position entering this year. We can’t wait to see what he does in the rookie draft. We FINALLY have draft picks!”
I had to double check myself and IT’S TRUE! The Gang didn’t piss away their draft picks this year. In fact they did quite the opposite. Somehow they managed to pick up 3 first round……..( wait a minute, did I just read that right?)…..yes, yes I did. THREE first round picks. They are also entering this season with far less cap penalties than normal. I caught up with Jesse and asked him what it was that triggered this sudden change. His answer was actually kind of intelligent and makes sense. ( Jesus, did I just say that?) Here’s what he said:
“To be honest, I was in over my head. The only teams I ever ran were those ESPN teams. I was actually quite successful at them so when I was asked to run a scuffle team I thought why not share my dominance with a different kind of league. Boy was I wrong. It’s a whole nother world. I was swimming with sharks. I mean literally, there’s a team of sharks in our league I think. If that’s what a silver tip is anyway. Not to mention a God Damn pirate, and a battery. Now a battery doesn’t sound that bad but let me tell ya. That asshole will shock you if you’re not careful. Then I fell victim to some predator by the name of Revolution God knows how many times. That guy is an opportunist. He preys on clueless owners. My only hope was beating those stupid tweety birds. Man they’re terrible. So going into last year I realized it was time to call that season a loss before it started and start liquidating to prep for a fresh start. So yeah, we’re excited to get or there and make some noise.”
After looking they might not be far away from a complete turn around. They have some young talent in Dan Prescott, Sterling Shepard, Taylor Gabriel, and CJ Prosise on the offense, and Dunlap
Damon Harrison, and Cameron Jordan on defense. I also asked Jesse if he was gonna pay the holdouts Jordan and Harrison. His response was kind of comical when he said,
“Da fuck? Really? Did you just ask me that? We don’t pay holdouts demands around here unless they are truly elite players. Especially a God Damn DT or any defensive guy unless his name is Watt. He knows better. I’m not saying never, but chances are slim.”
Ummmm, ok, so what are your expectations of the aging duo of Jamaal Charles and Marshawn Lynch?
“We’re hoping for at least a decent year from Charles and to show the younger guys some leadership. He knows his time is up. We only kept him around cuz we didn’t wanna eat that big cap hit, and he knows that. Now Lynch is a different story. He was retired but I knew he had some left in the tank. I seen him sitting there on the waivers so I took a flyer and signed him as a free agent. Come to find out all he was waiting for was someone to sign him and basically just pay him with Skittles. BOOM, JACKPOT!”
I walked away from the interview kind of shocked. Could this be? Could Jesse somehow have turned into a competent owner? Or was he high and somehow made some sense? Or did he hire someone to secretly run his team and tell him what to say? Either way, the proof is there. Things are trending in the right direction. Oh who the hell are we fooling? He’ll find a way to screw things up.
© 2017, Jesse Garcia. All rights reserved.
“I was swimming with sharks. I mean literally, there’s a team of sharks in our league I think. If that’s what a silver tip is anyway.”
I laughed so hard at that part. Great article!
I laughed multiple times–nice job bud.