Pirates Dominate Colliders 156.28 to 110.50
The Colliders got absolutely nothing from their offense in week 2; not one of their offensive starters cracked the 10-point mark.
“You can’t win if you can’t score,” said Hammond. “Simple as that. It was a garbage performance all around.”
Week 2 marked the second straight week that Cam Newton failed to do anything. Reporters at Batavia’s practice facility noted that Ben Roethlisberger began taking first team reps this week.
Adding insult to injury was that former running back Devonta Freeman went off on the Colliders, scoring nearly 20 points. “I’ll own that,” said Hammond. “At the time, I didn’t know we’d have more cap space in the future. I didn’t like the price tag. I thought we could replace him in the draft. Turns out Joe Mixon sucks.”
Team officials confirmed that many predatory owners have already reached out to the Colliders to trade for Mixon, a classic buy-low move. “Yeah, you figure the sharks will be circling when you’re struggling,” said Hammond. “Every week brings new surprises, so we’ll stick with our scouting report for the time being.”
Adding injury to insult, the Colliders also lost wide receiver Corey Coleman to injury and promising linebacker Jarrad Davis is in the concussion protocol. Hammond commented, “No way to sugarcoat it. We’re in rough shape right now. We need guys to get healthy fast, and we need our players to start earning their paychecks. Thank God Almighty for the Krakens, because we can probably weather this and at least avoid relegation as long as they are in the division.”
The Colliders head to Fransburg this week to take on the first-place (r)EvoLUtion. A win can put them right back into the thick of things, but Fransburg is the 2nd highest scoring team in the league right now and has the best all-play record.
“Psshaw,” said Hammond. “Throw the records out when these two teams meet. Remember how Franssen led the division for the whole season only to lose it to me in the last game? Haha, classic Franssen choke.”
© 2017, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Ha–I almost used the same picture in my tweet (I’m the only one doing them anymore, *tear*) I enjoyed reading this as usual. Might of had something to do with the victory.
Yeah, I saw the tweets. I’ll have to remember to do some as well.
I miss Devonta.
I was actually hoping the rest of the league would pick the tweeting thing up in lieu of writing articles … guess not
I might have to do another Owner Rankings article to shame them into participating more.