COLLIDERS’ OFFENSE FAILS AGAIN
An embarrassing loss to Fransburg has Batavia fans worried.
The Colliders started four running backs this week and only netted one rushing touchdown (and that was by quarterback Cam Newton.) Cam, for his part, threw three interceptions and was once again the worst quarterback on the team. Julio Jones’ scoreless streak continued, as Antonio Brown was the only player that did something on offense.
The defense did reasonably well again, but the Colliders lost linebacker Lavonte David to an ankle sprain.
Hammond personally witnessed the callbacks of two touchdowns, by Tarik Cohen and Adoree Jackson, which were both proven to be terrible calls by the officials. Hammond fumed, “Look, we suck enough as it is, we don’t need the zebras conspiring against us.”
After scouring the waiver wire for any possible help on offense, Hammond came up empty. “It’s a bum fest out there. There’s no one to be had. We’re trying to hold it together and remember that we started 2-4 last year and still won the title. But we don’t seem to have the firepower this season.”
The Culver City Krakens are 0-3, and in the driver’s seat for relegation, but they scored over 160 points this week, something Batavia hasn’t even sniffed. The Colliders, historically, are the highest scoring team in the league, but rank 9th this season so far, a franchise worst.
“We’re just terrible,” said Hammond. “And I loathe every minute of it. And it’s not like we’re going to get a good draft pick out of this terrible season with the new rules in place.”
Anonymous players reported that Hammond got in the faces of his running backs after the game, saying, “Any time you fuckers want to play, that would be great!” Cam Newton was not available for the post-game press conference. According to sources, Hammond told him to “Go home, and don’t come back until you learn how to not throw three interceptions against the league’s worst secondary you fucking fake MVP fuck.”
The Colliders look forward to a matchup against the Chitons in week 4. “At least it won’t be a division loss this week,” said Hammond.
© 2017, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Oh man–that 2nd to last paragraph was hilarious.
You’re right though–things can change quickly. I imagine any one of us could go 0-3 in the next go-around.
Yeah. Maybe Robbie Anderson will be good. Or Demarco Murray will finally up and die. Or Joe Mixon will pretend the defender is a woman and punch him en route to the end zone.
Ha, looks like I’m ranked 12th in coaching efficiency, too. Maybe I should stop blaming my players and look in the mirror.
My coaching WAR has to be pretty pretty negative.