It’s hard to believe that the 2017 season is finally upon us. I meant to get this article out before the Thursday game but other things kept getting in the way. Let’s begin with the big news – division realignment. After fierce debate, the Immersion has gone to a premier league style of promotion and relegation. Teams will play division foes three times so it’s sure to be a battle royale as teams try desperately to avoid relegation.
Let’s begin with the GOLD DIVISION (please someone rename these divisions.)
First of all, it should be noted that these teams account for 6 of the 7 total championships. Only the Krakens lack hardware. The Pirates have 3 titles to the Colliders’ 2, and Fransburg won the first ever title back when the league only had eight teams.
It’s really tough to say who will win this division. My non-scientific gut tells me that they will finish in this order: (r)EvoLUtion, Colliders, Pirates, Krakens, with the Krakens getting demoted.
And now on to the SILVER DIVISION.
The only championship in this division belongs to the Bestine Banthas, who rode Odell Beckham all the way to the title back in 2014. The Chitons have been consistent performers and look to be the type of team to move on up to the Gold Division. The Battery don’t seem particularly strong until you note their points per game. They’ve always played in the toughest division with two of the best teams in the league (the Colliders and (r)EvoLUtion.) Despite what the chart above says, my finishing order looks like this: Banthas, Battery, Marauders, Chitons. What? The Chitons going down to the Bronze Division? It might happen, folks (though I doubt they’d stay there for long.) And Ryan isn’t Ponyboy, so I doubt he’d be able to stay gold.
The Bronze Division gets all the best draft picks. And why not? Just look at them:
Now, let’s move on to the games for week 1!
Colliders (0-0) @ Krakens (0-0)
Series Record: 0-0
Who to Watch: The Colliders start a former Offensive MVP at QB in Cam Newton this year. The long time Silvertip was scorned for Kirk Cousins. You like that? The Colliders do. They are hoping that Cam can get his against the lowly 49ers. The Colliders also picked up running back Joe Mixon in the first round this year, and have plunked him into the starting lineup even though he’s listed as third on the depth chart.
Meanwhile the Krakens will start Le’Veon Bell fresh off a lengthy holdout. Bell didn’t participate in any offseason activities, which spared him from needless injury. But will he be rusty in this one? Beyond that it will be interesting to see if DeAndre Hopkins will be effective with Randy Macho Man Savage at quarterback.
Why to Watch: Can you believe that the Colliders and Krakens have never played each other? The Krakens (formerly the DownState CornChutes) joined in 2012, which was also the year the schedule changed from 14 games to 13 games. The result of that move was that there was one matchup that never occurred, and for the Colliders it was the CornChutes. Now they’ll face off at least three times, so it will be fun to see if a rivalry develops.
Prediction: Since Hurricane Irma canceled the Dolphins-Bucs game, Batavia needed a substitute for Lavonte David. They found a more-than-adequate replacement in DE Trey Flowers, who went off for 14.25 points on Thursday. Eric Berry posted 8.30 before being lost for the season. The Colliders are off to a good start and have some favorable matchups in week 1. Colliders 148, Krakens 132.
(r)EvoLUtion (0-0) @ Pirates (0-0)
Series Record: Pirates, 3-2
Who to Watch: Fransburg gets at least one week of Ezekial Elliott before the suspension and/or court battle begins. The Cowboys claimed (in court) that suspending Elliot would do “irreparable harm” to their franchise. Does that mean they’ll force feed him the ball to the tune of 200 yards and 3 TDs so they can make a stronger case?
On the other side of the ball Devonta Freeman starts his first game for the Pirates after being lured away from the Colliders with a big $50 payday. Freeman should have plenty of room to run against the Bears, who will likely suck again.
Why to Watch: It’s gold division football at it’s finest! Given that both teams are charter franchises, it’s kind of amazing that they’ve only played five times in 7 years. Can Enright compete now that he’s away from his cellar dweller Oregon buddies? Is Franssen insane for sitting Fournette, the first pick in the draft? Will one of these coaches commit a tremendous boner and call into question their fitness to compete in the top division? Tune in and find out.
Prediction: I think Enright’s matchups are a little easier this week, but it should be a close one. Pirates 136, (r)EvoLUtion 133.
Banthas (0-0) @ Battery (0-0)
Series Record: Battery, 3-2
Who to Watch: The Banthas gambled and didn’t give Matt Ryan the franchise tag. They were able to sign him anyway in free agency at a steep discount. Will he be able to recapture the magic of 2016? Alshon Jeffery comes over in a trade from Batavia and Adrian Peterson plays for the Saints. It will be interesting to see how these two fit into their new teams’ plans.
The Battery have some nice young wide receivers in Tyreek Hill and Amari Cooper. Hill didn’t disappoint on Thursday night. Jordy Nelson rounds out an impressive receiving corps, who will hopefully keep the Battery in games while Andrew Luck sits out with an injury.
Why to Watch: The Battery scored a lot of points last season but struggled to get over the top in a tough division. Will they be able to dominate the somewhat lesser competition this year? Will Ryan’s coke-addled offseason management of the Banthas pay off handsomely?
Prediction: I like the Battery’s defense a little more, and the fact that they aren’t starting two guys with the same name, like the Banthas are. Battery 142, Banthas 126.
Marauders (0-0) @ Chitons (0-0)
Series Record: Chitons, 2-1
Who to Watch: Marauders running back David Johnson takes us back to the heady days of Ladianian Tomlinson and Priest Holmes – running backs who could catch the ball and accounted for two thirds of the offense. They also brought JJ Watt back into the fold after an injury-marred season. A healthy Watt can make a big difference in Madtown’s fortunes.
The Chitons are spending $92.74 on two of their running backs, Eddie Lacy and Latavius Murray. Neither one is listed as the starter on his NFL team. That fact, along with the salary of Jamaal Charles, will shed some light on why the Colliders let Devonta Freeman go for $50. Their best wide receiver is Jamison Crowder, who they were forced to pay $33 to, even though he failed to crack 1,000 yards or 10 TDs last year.
Why to Watch: You’ll want a front row seat for Tom’s descent into madness. Oh sure, I’ve predicted his demise before, but this time it’s really going to happen. You’ll also want to see if Matt can ever be good again.
Prediction: Johnson and Watt will prove too much for the Chitons. I mean, those two by themselves will probably outscore all 17 of Tom’s players. Marauders 135, Chitons 99.
Silvertips (0-0) @ Dream Team (0-0)
Series Record: Dream Team, 3-2
Who to Watch: Silvertips’ running back Mike Gillislee is somehow good. He scored 3 TDs on Thursday night despite only rushing for 45 yards. It’s also worth watching the 2017 campaign of Kirk Cousins, especially as it compares to Cam Newton. Weldin had both QBs run out of contract and he chose Cousins over Cam.
The Dream Team got subpar performances out of Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. It will be fascinating to see how Cooks develops, because Tim unwittingly gave up the 5th pick in the draft (Joe Mixon) to sign Cooks away from Batavia.
Why to Watch: To see if the Silvertips can be historically bad again (like that time they went 0-13 in the regular season and won their first game against Holley in the Most Futile Franchise game.) To see if Tim can get out of the doldrums and string together some wins.
Prediction: If Thursday hadn’t happened yet, I’d probably pick the Dream Team. But since they got duds out of two of their best players, and since Mike Effing Gillislee scored over 21 for the Silvertips, I going to have to pick Weldin to pull this one out. Silvertips 112, Dream Team 100.
Hawks (0-0) @ Gridiron Gang (0-0)
Series Record: Gridiron Gang, 4-1
Who to Watch: Second overall pick Kareem Hunt did not disappoint. He gained nearly 250 yards from scrimmage and scored three times en route to a 32-point outing. Hopefully Jeppsen will hold on to the lesson that you shouldn’t trade your top draft picks moving forward. It will also be fun to see how the Hawks’ murderer’s row of running backs does this season, with Jordan Howard, Melvin Gordon, and LeSean McCoy also in the mix.
The Gridiron Gang has a rookie running back of their own, picked third overall, in Christian McCaffrey. Not only that, but they signed Marshawn Lynch to a 2-year deal last season, even though he was retired, and that deal pays off this year as he is unretired.
Why to Watch: To see Holley’s ascent to respectability from the beginning. To say, “I was there when the Hawks went from worst to first in their division.” You’ll also want to see Jesse set fire to the $27 he spent on Rob Kelley when he’s out of the league by week three.
Prediction: This one’s already over. No way the Gang can overcome the Kareem Hunt Experience. Hawks 160, Gridiron Gang 128.
Tune in next week as I don’t find the time to do this again and another series crashes and burns.
© 2017 – 2019, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Excellent, excellent analysis. Thank you for taking the time! Also, screw you for predicting me to win as inevitably I’m sure I’ll lose now.
Well, we know you’ll lose at least 3 times to the Colliders. Beyond that, I think you’ve got some wins in you.