PIRATES BREAK OUT AT COLLIDERS EXPENSE
Batavia fans left after the Thursday game.
Most of the Colliders players returned to mediocre form as Boom or Bust Cam Newton opted for bust. The former MVP has 9 TDs to and 10 interceptions while Alex Smith leads the league in scoring because nothing is real and nothing matters anymore. While the game didn’t stay close for long, Hammond got to endure several indignities, like seeing Alvin Kamara get stoned at the 1-yard line so that the Pirates’ four hundred year old QB Drew Brees could get a rushing touchdown.
The seven-game losing streak has brought the vultures out, as many teams hope to desiccate the corpse of the Colliders; several teams have attempted to pry Antonio Brown away. The new
framework makes it harder for top teams to rebuild, however, so the Colliders’ epic shit-storm won’t even lead to the first pick in the draft – the best they can hope for is pick #9. When Hammond agreed to give all the top picks to the Bronze division teams, he never envisioned a hellscape where he had the worst team in the league. There are no restricted free agents with expiring contracts on the roster either, so there’s no hope of getting first round draft picks that way. Without a clear path to improving his squad, Hammond has decided to hold on to his best assets out of pure spite.
The Colliders take on the 7-0 (r)EvoLUtion this week. Their wife-beating running back somehow continues to avoid suspension while the Colliders’ wife-beating running back continues to avoid the end zone. Should be a great match-up of equally talented squads. Haha, just kidding. Expect another blowout loss for the Colliders.
© 2017, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
If it makes you feel any better, I was going to start Cooper anyway. (It’s still hilarious and fitting you chose Cooper though). I wanted to start Coleman but didn’t want this very thing to happen when I give up on him the second he blows up, so give by you the choice was my cop out.
Yeah, but you beat me by like 60 so it’s not like that even mattered for the outcome.
My magic number is 1. Beat Batavia and Fransburg is in the playoffs.
Also, you don’t really have the worst team…more like the 5th worst team. But suffering the 3rd most points against will make the year look bad. That’s going to be the gold division rub – you can lose 6 or 8 straight pretty easily and the season will seem like a failure even with a decent squad.
This explains the hesitation when it comes to selling my team off for parts.
Well Points Against is an interesting metric because by playing in the Gold you’re just naturally going to have more PA, so it’s hard to compare teams that way. Batavia does have a worse All-Play record than Sweet Home at the moment, so that might be a bit more telling.
In any event, this new format is going to totally skew historical winning percentages and stuff (not that that really matters)
I say that comment but forgot to note that I feel the future is still much brighter in Batavia than SH…just a current statistical aberration.