The Banthas: America’s Most Confusing Team?
The Bestine Beat met with Banthas’ owner Ryan Lindsay today to talk about last week’s game against the Krakens, and to get his thoughts on players performances and where they go from here. Lindsay, who sat down with our reporter at a dim lit local watering hole while wearing a hood, sunglasses, and what looked like a fake mustache over his existing beard, looked disheveled and unconvincingly (read unnecessarily) incognito. When confronted about said fashion choice Lindsay answered through a voice changer, which was actually just a 1992 Talk Man with a Home Alone 2 logo on the side. “My adoring fans expected a win to start the season. We [management] put them through the wringer this offseason and then let them down. Our team was a hot chick on Tinder ready to get wild, but turns out we were catfished. That may not be a perfect metaphor, but I mean, have you seen that show Catfished on MTV? It’s great. Remember when Manti T’eo got catfished? That was classic.” He went on the laugh at his own joke for a few minutes before getting back.
“So, yea, our devoted following expected these guys to pull off something great, and instead we got our top running back injured. Matt Ryan didn’t even show up! He was double booked that night. Apparently, he sent a pygmy goat with his uniform on to play for him. He just kept saying, ‘I see Tom Brady being called a goat, and goat emojis everywhere, this is what’s best for the team!’ and it turns out he’s an idiot.” Other notable players that may or may not have been barn yard critters were: Travis Kelce (pulling in one point, singular), Zach Brown, and Kevin Huber.
A few fans at the bar were quick to state that these kinds of losses and expensive injuries were the norm in Bestine and that maybe Lindsay held his team to a much higher regard than their fans. In fact, one fan pointed out that the last time the Banthas won the title was the year they lost AP to karma, I mean injury. When our reporter returned to the booth from interviewing patrons of the bar, he found that Lindsay hadn’t stopped talking and did not know he had stood up and left due to wearing sunglasses in a nearly dark bar.
Lindsay went on, “And, who the fuck is Harrison Smith? This dude goes large out of nowhere!” Lindsay seemed worked up at this point and wasn’t receptive to hearing that Smith had been a strong contributor at safety the past two years. “I never should have benched my nephew, Phillip. His mom was all, ‘Ryan, why even have Philly-billy on your team if you’re not going to play him. You know, I bought a 15 gallon bucket of OxyClean from Costco to make sure his uniform is white every game because I know how my Silly-Philly gets those grass stains. But, YOU NEVER PLAYED HIM.’ Needless to say, he’s in this week.” Lindsay went on to talk about some of the moves he made in the early stages of the week to help improve holes that he saw in the first game. In typical Banthas style, he may have gone overboard. They picked up Jalen Richard, Will Dissly, Nigel Bradham, Nick Vigil, Malcolm Butler, Clayton Fejedelemememeasdfjk;lkj, and John Johnson. We at the Beat had to fact check that last one, because it seemed like Lindsay was just making up names lazily toward the end of the list.
“We moved some people around, have fresh faces this week, and so far, we feel better about this year going forward. Not everything is bad, though, our receiving corps showed what they can do, as did Marcus Peters and both our DE’s. And, on top of that, the Bengals are 2-0.” This led our reporter to ask, “The Bengals? Who dey?”
© 2018, Ryan Lindsay. All rights reserved.
This is great.
Haha, nicely done. Enjoyed it