SCUFFLE Immersion Kicks Off 12th Season

After making it through a strange pandemic season, with games held on Tuesdays and practice squad wide receivers playing quarterback, we’ve finally emerged on the other side…for another pandemic season.

But it’s different this time! Most of the players are vaccinated and those who aren’t (cough cough Cam Newton) are having trouble finding work.

So, it’s with great anticipation that we kick off another season of fantasy football, with an extra game to boot. So what’s new this season besides the 14-game regular season? We’ll also use All-Play Record to reseed divisions next year. So being the third highest scoring team in a given week and losing won’t have exactly the same sting it used to.

Let’s take a look at the matchups!

Marshfield Pirates at Tooz Town GIMB

The GIMB only have two seasons under their belt, and last season the Pirates swept all three games with them. The Pirates also bested them this offseason, trading Devin Singletary for Joe Mixon. The Pirates have an abundance of talent and the GIMB paid Mike Evans $66 to score 4 points on Thursday night. Not a great start. The Pirates countered with Amari Cooper, who scored 28.

Look for the Pirates to continue to demolish the hapless GIMB in today’s games. Even though there has only been one game played so far, the Pirates have a 99% win probability according to the MFL site.

LOL.

Culver City Krakens at Holley Hawks

These two teams last played each other in 2018, thanks to the Krakens always rocking the Gold Division. Holley has completed their journey from the bottom to the top, and now will face the defending champs at least twice this year. Culver City holds a 5-1 record against the Hawks all-time.

Some offseason blunders called into question the mental acuity of Krakens owner Jonathan Marcot, as he skated right past the deadline for signing option-eligible players. Instead of getting Calvin Ridley for $15.81, Marcot opted to never reply to any emails and now Ridley plays for the Oregon Dream Team and draws a $50 salary. Win for Ridley.

Ridley is replaced in the lineup by DeAndre Hopkins, who is good, but also a lot older. It remains to be seen if the Krakens can repeat last year’s heroics. Let’s not forget they finished 5-8 but benefited from being in the Gold Division. They beat the GIMB in the semifinal last year by a mere 2 points and then pulled out the game of their lives to beat the Colliders by less than 2. Looking at their roster, especially their running backs, a repeat does not seem very likely.

The Hawks boast a solid if not spectacular roster, and owner Jeremy Jeppsen made some questionable offseason moves himself, deciding that the premium position worth an outsized share of cap dollars was…cornerback. Mercifully, one of his corners took his double digit salary and retired.

The Krakens probably have enough in this one, with Raheem Mostert getting in one decent game before getting hurt. MFL tends to agree, also giving Culver City a 99% win probability, even though only their kicker has played.

LOL (again).

Cleveland Battery at Batavia Colliders

The last time the Battery beat the Colliders was 2017, which also marked Batavia’s only losing season ever. Since then, the Colliders have ripped off 6 wins against Cleveland. Overall, Batavia is 12-3 against Cleveland.

Cleveland has a tendency to undermine their own success, usually by trading away an up and coming player for a bag of magic beans. So far this year, however, the only trades the Battery have made have involved draft picks. Are we seeing a more measured and cautious Ben Pershey?

Cleveland’s big splash move this offseason was to pry TE Travis Kelce away from Ryan Lindsay’s cold, presumably alive hands, to the tune of $47. This would have been a baller move if the Battery were one player away from contention. Unfortunately, they rely heavily on Browns players, and that’s never worked out (they paid quite a bit of cash for RB2 Kareem Hunt and are paying Odell Beckham’s Ghost of his Former Self $61).

Meanwhile, the Colliders, who scored the most points last season, return the lions’ share of their starters. They have areas of strength across the lineup, but seem particularly well represented at wide receiver. After failing to secure a quarterback in free agency, the Colliders did something unusual (for them): they drafted a quarterback in the first round. Trevor Lawrence will either be the face of the franchise for the next four years or he’ll flame out. If he sucks, fourth rounder Mac Jones may prove to be the answer (the Colliders have tried to solve the QB position for years…but it hasn’t really affected their success since it’s a 1-QB league. If you really want to make the Colliders pay for their QB sins then you should suggest a superflex position next offseason).

The Colliders jumped out to a 26-point lead on Thursday night thanks to CeeDee Lamb and the Tampa linebackers (we shall not speak of Leighton Vander Esch, who is dead to me). MFL has the Colliders at a 99% win probability, which feels right, but now I’m wondering if there is a glitch and every matchup is scored 99%-1%.

North Point Chitons at Bestine Banthas

The Chitons only averaged 133 points per game last year and somehow edged out Fransburg (155 ppg) to escape the Bronze Division. Someone run the numbers, because my hunch is that North Point has been one of the luckiest teams in recent history.

Look at their roster. I’ll wait. Okay, welcome back. Is there anybody on that roster that scares you? No? Me either. And yet they are well positioned to secure a division win this week, thanks to Cyborg Tom Brady and his 21 points. Instead of wasting the 6th pick on a QB, the Colliders could have just spent $2 on Lizard Person Tom Brady and been just fine. Tom signed the dude to 3 years. He’s a 44 year old QB, and somehow signing him to a 3-year deal doesn’t sound insane. Nothing is fair.

The Chitons had to start a 2nd string RB (Ronald Jones) and a 3rd string WR (Russel Gage) in week 1. This is not sustainable.

The Banthas had to watch Ezekiel Elliott’s elite blocking skills on Thursday night, but they did get a good game out of Antonio Brown, who might be the steal of the century if he continues this form. Even though MFL gives the Chitons a win probability of 74%, I think the Banthas superior roster should be able to overcome the early deficit. But who knows. The Chitons have the fantasy gods smiling down on them, for now. But their low scoring ways are going to cost them in division realignment next year.

For what it’s worth, this has been a pretty competitive rivalry, with North Point holding an 11-8 edge.

Madtown Marauders at Fransburg (r)EvoLUtion

Madtown was relegated last year, despite a winning record. Like the team they’re facing this week, they were very unlucky, and should benefit from the new division realignment rules. This rivalry picks back up after a 2-year hiatus, and it’s been competitive. Fransburg owns an 11-9 edge in the 20-game history of battle.

This is the only matchup to feature zero Thursday night players, but MFL only gives Madtown a 24% chance of winning. Harsh.

You can see why, though. Fransburg recently traded for Aaron Rodgers, because the GIMB’s strategy is to win a bunch of guys in auction and then trade them away. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for him.

While the (r)EvoLUtion are a little thin at RB outside of Jonathan Taylor, their wide receivers are bonafide studs. Madtown, for their part, are starting two Pittsburgh wide receivers not named Chase Claypool in the hope that Limp Arm Rapist Ben Roethlisberger can actually get the ball to them. It does not appear to be a winning strategy.

It’s tough to know how the season will play out, but I’d be surprised if Fransburg was a Bronze division team next season.

Linn County Lumberjacks at Oregon Dream Team

These perennial powerhouses have been stuck in the Bronze Division for as long as it has existed. Oregon, however, might be the reverse of North Point. They seem to have bad luck, except when it comes to the draft lottery, where they have won the #1 pick four years in a row. Given that these two teams have been in the same division for so long, they’ve played each other 25 times, with the Lumberjacks owning a 14-11 edge.

MFL only gives Linn County a 36% chance at winning, even though they got an inspired 22-point performance out of TE Rob Gronkowski, who partied like it was 2011, finding the end zone twice. Rookie LB Micah Parsons had a decent showing, but MFL seems to like those aforementioned first overall picks, all of whom find themselves in the starting lineup for Oregon: Saquon Barkley, Josh Jacobs, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and Najee Harris.

Linn County responds with Mike Davis and Javonte Williams at running back. They also had to start Michael Gallup, Dallas third wide receiver, who helped out Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb owners by getting hurt. Oregon’s receivers, on the other hand, are nothing to sneeze at: Calvin Ridley (thanks Marcot!) and Deebo Samuel are joined by TE George Kittle, who is capable of Gronk-like performances himself.

Holy shit, are the Oregon Dream Team going to be good this year? I think they might be good this year.

Enjoy the games, everybody.