Week 2 Preview

Week 1 is in the books! This week’s game ball goes to Tooz Town GIMB QB Kyler Murray who threw for 4 TDs and ran one in for another en route to a 29.41-point performance. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to overcome the Marshfield Pirates.

Winners

Culver City (1-0), Marshfield (1-0), Cleveland (1-0), Bestine (1-0), Fransburg Madtown (1-0), Linn County (1-0)

Prediction Record

Week 1: 4-2 3-3

Overall: 4-2 (0.667) 3-3 (.500)

2022 Divisions (if they were made today)

Week 2 Matchups

Batavia (0-1) @ Oregon (0-1)

Theoretically Batavia should win this one, but tell that to the Cleveland Battery, who proved in week 1 that the Colliders are just a rag-tag collection of chumps and poseurs.

The Colliders have a 7-2 record against the Dream Team overall, but if their defense can’t step up, they could be doomed to a mediocre season. Meanwhile the Dream Team underperformed in week 1, and should be a little better over the long haul given their roster.

Saquon Barkley is obviously still hurt, and won’t find much running room against Washington’s defense, if he plays at all. Look for the Colliders to bounce back in this one, as it takes the Dream Team a few weeks to reach full speed.

Culver City (1-0) @ North Point (0-1)

The Indestructible Force meets the Very Moveable Object in this one.

After a strong Thursday night showing, where Brady scored north of 21 and Chris Godwin had 16.55, the Chitons only managed 118 points. Their defense was okay, but their offense sputtered, and outside of Jalen Hurts, nobody on the bench offered any signs of hope.

Meanwhile, Culver City was on the opposite end of the spectrum, scoring the most points in the league and proving their legitimacy as a Gold Division team despite their terrible record and backdoor championship last year.

Surprisingly, North Point owns a 5-2 record against the Krakens. Nevertheless, Patrick Mahomes continues to do Patrick Mahomes things, and DeAndre Hopkins scored two touchdowns last week. Look for more of the same this week as the Krakens humiliate the Chitons.

Marshfield (1-0) @ Cleveland (1-0)

Look at this early season battle of undefeated titans!

Last week Marshfield started Joe Mixon right in Tooz Town’s eye, after trading Singletary for him. Mixon scored 18 points while Singletary scored 4 on the bench for the GIMB. If Tooz Town doesn’t make that trade, they are 1-0.

As an aside, it would help the rest of us if people stopped giving Enright good players for free. Christian McCaffrey also played well. Did Marshfield draft Christian McCaffrey? Of course not, they traded for him.

Meanwhile the Battery had balanced scoring throughout the lineup, and got 20 points from Travis Kelce. They will have to stop being such homers, however, and bench Baker Mayfield, who is not nor never will be a thing, in favor of Derek Carr.

Marshfield in this one because Enright is evil and evil always triumphs over good.

Tooz Town (0-1) @ Madtown (0-1)

This battle of teams with “Town” in their name is a rubber match – the only year they ever played each other was 2019 and they each took 2 games. Both were unlucky Tooz Town was unlucky in week 1 as they were on the losing end of a high scoring games. Madtown was led by their punter, Kevin Huber, who boomed his way to 8.16 points.

The GIMB, who, I repeat, would have won if they hadn’t traded away Joe Mixon for Devin Singletary, were led by Kyler Murray who scored just shy of 30 to lead the league in scoring. It could be more of the same this week for Kyler, who has a pretty impressive cast of receivers to throw to.

The GIMB have a lot of highly paid WRs, and if they step up this week it’s curtains for Madtown. Curtains I say. (I’m saying they’ll probably play a little better and Tooz Town will win the battle of “Town” name teams.)

Holley (0-1) @ Linn County (1-0)

Holley started their life in the Gold division with a dismal loss, but now they get to try to rectify that against a lowly Bronze team. Of course, Linn County can simply say, “Scoreboard” since they got a win in Week One and the Hawks did not. Overall, however, the Hawks have an 8-5 advantage over the Lumberjacks.

Holley has to be a little nervous having only Kirk Covid Cousins and Nick Third String Foles playing quarterback, and what the heck was with Trey Sermon not playing? Certainly whatever he did to anger the coach has to be forgiven since Raheem Mostert predictably landed on IR. But they may be in the market for a Teddy Bridgewater or some other QB, because it’s only a matter of time before Lord Jesus stops protecting Cousins from the delta variant.

Linn County has a quarterback controversy of their own brewing, with reigning Immersion MVP Josh Allen playing like a practice squad wide receiver pressed into action because of COVID and Famous Jameis Winston lighting it the fuck up on the bench, throwing for 5 TDs, most of which went to nobodies not named Alvin Kamara.

Given that every good Linn County running back is on IR, things are not looking promising. Javonte Williams didn’t do much, and Melvin Gordon played well, so that transition looks to come later rather than sooner. If I were them I’d trade a first rounder for Kenneth Gainwell.

So who’s going to win this shit-show? I’d say Holley has a bit more firepower so let’s give it to them.

Bestine (1-0) @ Fransburg (1-0)

The Banthas looked good in their demolition of the hapless Chitons in week 1, but Fransburg scored more without any contribution whatsoever from Aaron Rodgers. Fransburg has dominated this “rivalry” historically, winning 7 of 9 against Bestine.

The Banthas receiving corps stepped up in a big way, and you have to figure their RBs will get into the swing of things soon. But their defense is sus, whereas the Fransburg defense came to play. If there is a weakness on the Fransburg team, it’s at running back, where it seems as though Jonathan Taylor is their only true number 1. Miles Sanders had a nice game but got banged up, and the Cardinals don’t really need a running game so Chase Edmonds was muted.

You have to expect Aaron Rodgers to have a huge comeback game against the Detroit Lions, whose secondary gave up a bunch of passing yards to the 49ers of all teams. Look for AA-RON to score close to 30, giving the (r)EvoLUtion a 2-0 1-1 start.

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