Week 4 Preview

Winners

Batavia (2-1), Oregon (1-2), Holley (2-1), Linn County (2-1), North Point (1-2), Cleveland (3-0)

Prediction Record

Week 3: An incredible 0-6.

Overall Record: 7-11

2022 Divisions (if they were made today)

Week 4 Matchups

LOL, I suck at predicting games. Everyone could have made a lot of money by betting against me last week. After a two-week hiatus, it looks like we’re returning to division games this week.

Bestine (2-1) @ Batavia (2-1)

Bestine currently owns the edge in the Silver Division standings thanks to having a division win in week 1. Batavia hopes to rectify that this week, but historically the Banthas have been one of the only teams to give the Colliders trouble, as they own a 6-4 all-time series record against the more refined and professional Batavia outlet.

The Banthas are better than they played last week, when they laid an egg against the lowly Dream Team. Unfortunately they were hobbled by poor coaching, with Ryan Lindsay posting a meager 70% efficiency rating. It reminds me of my high school commencement speaker, who was some teacher none of us actually ever had, who sarcastically said we graduated. Sarcastically, because, according to Mr. Whatever-His-Name-Was, all that meant was we had earned a 70%. He then asked us if 70% would be good enough in our jobs. In our marriages. In our lives.

Really makes you think.

Or, if you’re 17 years old hearing that nonsense, really makes you pantomime the jerking motion.

Anyway, the Banthas should probably score more this week, but it might not be enough to overcome the Colliders and their epic special teams play. Justin Tucker hit a game-winning 66-yard field goal last week (good for 4 points!) en route to an 11.5-point performance. And, the Colliders may have finally solved their DT position, as Austin Johnson, the nose tackle I’ve definitely heard of before this season, played well.

Robert Woods continued to disappoint, but last week it was from the bench, where he should find himself for the remainder of the season, earning big bucks Deshaun Watson style. Mike Williams rewarded Coach Hammond for starting him by offering up 24-points. Williams is on pace for a breakout (and holdout) season. Look for the Colliders to finally notch a division win this week.

Holley (2-1) @ Tooz Town (1-2)

These teams have only played once before, and the GIMB won.

Tooz Town is the unluckiest team so far, giving up an average of 170 points per game. They are outscoring the Hawks so far, but Holley is in a much better position standings-wise. The GIMB suffered a power outage of epic proportions in week 3, only scoring 114 points, thanks largely to a defense that thought it better not to show up.

Fortunately Kyler Murray played the lowly Jags, where he posted…his lowest score of the season. It’s always terrible when your star players underperform against a terrible team. Annoying.

It’s also annoying when a star player leaves the game with an injury right at the beginning of the action. Such was the case for AJ Brown, who is still a question mark for week 4.

On the Hawks side, they’ve been #blessed to have Kirk Cousins playing well. Cousins has thus far been protected from COVID-19 by his lord and savior Jesus Christ, so much so that I’m beginning to find religion (not really, but that fucker better stay healthy and he better keep chucking it to Justin Jefferson.) I wonder which God Lamar Jackson is praying to. That guy loves getting COVID. Can’t get enough of it. He should meet up with Cousins to learn his secrets. They should wear masks, just in case.

I can sympathize with Jeppsen, though, on at least one front. He started a Saints defensive end because he scored 14.50 points in week 2. In week 3, he posted nothing. I understand that pain well, having wasted three years of my life on Marcus Davenport.

The GIMB might be down two Tennessee receivers this week, so I’m going to give the edge to the Holley Hawks. But if this week is anything like last week, the GIMB should be cheering that prediction.

Cleveland (3-0) @ North Point (1-2)

It’s hard to believe that the Battery are good. They are the only undefeated team! Still, you have to wonder when they emulate their NFL namesakes, who usually mess around and start 6-2 only to lose the rest of their games. But you can’t deny that they are leading the league in scoring. How? Why? Dafuq?

One thing to watch out for is that they are giving up the 3rd fewest points per game. But they can’t help that. All they can help is the points they score, which again, are the most in the league.

The rivalry with North Point has actually been pretty epic. Like most teams, the Chitons own a winning record agains the Battery, but it’s a mere 8 games to 7. Cyborg Tom Brady faced a real defense last week and lost, but more importantly, he still posted a 20-plus fantasy game. DUDE IS UNSTOPPABLE. So much so, that Ben Pershey posted, “Tom Brady please don’t hurt me” in the fantasy previews, which reminds me that I should start checking those and post my own coaching quotes.

The Chitons are also getting good scoring out of Austin Ekeler. Every time I look up at the TV from grading papers I see Ekeler getting stoned in the backfield, but when I’m not looking he’s apparently lighting it up.

Still, I like the Battery in this one, because their defensive tackle has 49 points in 3 games. Ben wisely signed him to a 3-year deal so he can’t hold out next year.

The past couple of years of pandemic living have made us all question our institutions, leadership, and ways of living. Up is down, day is night, and the Cleveland Battery are going to start the season 4-0.

Linn County (2-1) @ Madtown (1-2)

The Madtown Marauders are on pace to join the Gold Division next year despite being 1-2. They have been pretty unlucky, giving up just shy of 170 points a game. Meanwhile the POSEUR Lumberjacks have been very lucky, giving up only 136.3 points per game en route to the division lead (enjoy it now, Garcia, it’s not sustainable).

The Broncos keep giving Javonte Williams chances to tote the ball, and Williams keeps repaying them with 3.5 yards per carry. Melvin Gordon has demonstrated much more proficiency, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see Williams’ role decline. That wouldn’t be good news for the Lumberjacks, who are in danger of becoming a one-man show with Josh Allen and nobody else.

Madtown was pretty unfortunate last week, seeing Dalvin Cook and Diontae Johnson sidelined. This week Lamar Jackson is ouchy, but they have an extremely capable backup in Justin Herbert.

Cooper Kupp has 5 touchdowns in 3 games. He’s clearly Stafford’s favorite target, and the Rams look pretty legit this year. That should help. I think the Marauders have enough firepower to overcome Linn County.

I mean, most teams do, despite the record.

Fransburg (0-3) @ Oregon (1-2)

Somehow Fransburg doesn’t have a win. I mean, they had one, but then it got reversed, remember? That sucked for Franssen. The other thing that sucks for Franssen is that teams are posting big numbers against their Swiss cheese defense. The (r)EvoLUtion are fifth in scoring, but it hasn’t been enough to buy a single W. Maybe they need Jameis Winston to do the “Eat the W” thing for them like a fucking weirdo.

Of course, they don’t have Winston on their team (and honestly, any team that can say that is doing something right,) so they have to rely on 20th ranked QB Aaron Rodgers to get the job done. He’s been less than inspirational, being outplayed by teammates Sam Darnold and Jared Goff (!) He has engineered some real-life heroics at the expense of the 49ers, who for some reason didn’t think it was important to cover Davante Adams, but he hasn’t translated that dickishness to the fantasy stat sheet.

The Rev continue to struggle at running back as well, with Miles Sanders and Jonathan Taylor refraining from doing too much. They are apparently pacing themselves for the grueling 17-game season. The wide receivers are on fire, though, which has been where the scoring for Fransburg has primarily come from.

The Dream Team got on the right side of the ledger last week with an impressive 168-point outing in Bestine. Their running backs are starting to live up to the first-overall-selection billing, save Josh Jacobs, who might return to action this week. CEH and Barkley seem to have found their groove, and conventional fantasy wisdom has thus far proved correct in making Najee Harris the first rookie off the board. Ryan Tannehill threw two picks but still posted 17, thanks to three TD tosses and some sneaky rushing yardage.

So this game probably comes down to the strength of Fransburg’s WR corps versus the Dream Team’s stellar RBs (especially if Jacobs returns). I think both teams will keep pace with each other on offense, but ultimately the (r)EvoLUtion have more defenders capable of a “boom” kind of outing. They’ve got Bofa their Bosas starting, so that should be good for at least 20 points with the potential of running it up to 40.

Let’s go with a Fransburg win, and cross our fingers that it holds up under a partisan Thursday recount.

Marshfield (1-2) @ Culver City (2-1)

Incredibly, the Pirates are 1-2. They put up a paltry 130 against the Chitons.

You love to see it.

They’ve also lost Christian McCaffrey for the time being, which is the universe giving a nod to justice, fleeting though it may be. The Pirates look like the kind of team that will go 7-7 and then make a run in the playoffs after trading for Josh Allen right before the week 10 trade deadline. What will they give up for Josh Allen? I don’t know, probably something like James Bradberry and a 4th round draft pick.

The Krakens have had a good year so far, right up until they ran into the buzzsaw that is the Cleveland Battery (not a typo). But you have to wonder if their flaws will be exposed again. JD McKissick? James White? Starters like these do not inspire confidence.

My sources are telling me that James White is out of the lineup and Miles Gaskin is in.

Yeah. Okay. I guess.

I still like the Mahomes/Diggs/Hopkins trio more than anything the Pirates are offering up. I’m also a big fan of the obvious regression to the mean of one Joe Mixon. Last week it was 18 carries for 90 yards and no touchdowns, plus a single catch for 4 yards.

That’s just how he rolls, save a little blip every now and then that makes people think he’ll be some kind of workhorse back. Sorry, the Bengals pass too much and they don’t pass to him. Tooz Town was smart to unload him.

Also Allen Robinson sucks because the Bears suck and it was dumb to pay $39 for him. THERE I SAID IT.

Though it looks like Tyler Boyd will get a lot of looks this week with Tee Higgins going down. MAKE ME AN OFFER ENRIGHT.

I like the Krakens in this one. I mean, I don’t like-like them. You know what, never mind. Toxic masculinity hurts us all.

Enjoy the games everyone!

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