Week 5 Preview

The (r)EvoLUtion finally got on the board, thanks to Tyreek Hill, who abused the Eagles as if they were his own child.

Winners

Batavia (3-1), Tooz Town (2-2), North Point (2-2), Linn County (3-1), Fransburg (1-3), Marshfield (2-2)

Prediction Record

Week 4: 2-4

Overall Record: 9-15

I’m really good at this, you guys.

2022 Divisions (if they were made today)

The Linn County Lumberjacks have the worst all-play record and yet they are 3-1.

Week 5 Matchups

We seem to be cruising right along this season. How is it already Week 5? Our lives are slipping away, and what do we have to show for it?

Culver City (2-2) @ Batavia (3-1)

Culver City has dropped two in a row, which has allowed the hated Pirates to land in first place in the Gold, a familiar position for them. The lowly Krakens were unable to take advantage of a Pirates lineup that was sans Christian McCaffrey. You have to wonder if Marcot even wants to defend his title.

The Colliders didn’t look great, but they were good enough to beat the Banthas. They only needed four points out of the Darren Waller / Mike Williams tandem to secure the win, but midway through the 2nd quarter both players had scored exactly zero. I went to bed to preserve my mental health, and my good decision was rewarded. No thanks to Mike Williams, though, who I talked up last week so he could have one catch in response.

The Colliders were carried to victory by David Montgomery, so it makes sense that he got injured and will miss the next 5 weeks. That means overpaid BUM Robert Woods finds himself in the starting lineup, where he’ll surely disappoint.

Patrick Mahomes probably won’t disappoint, because he’s leading the league in scoring. He does play the Bills this week, who somehow have a real defense and are kinda good? Weird. But if history serves as a model, the broadcasters will talk up this stout Buffalo defense, mention how Mahomes is facing a real challenge and what not, and then Mahomes will simply pass for 500 yards and 6 scores.

The Krakens are rocking two questionable running backs (questionable in the injury sense…well, and also in the sense that they belong in a starting lineup) in Melvin Gordon and JD McKissick. That means the Krakens will have to rely on their stud WRs Stefon Diggs and DeAndre Hopkins. Not to mention Hunter Renfrow, who is outscoring both of them somehow.

I think the Colliders could prevail in this one, as they seem a bit deeper than the Krakens thanks to Culver City having 8 guys on IR. But it’s not going to be pretty. This looks like one of those games where the final score is 131.43 – 128.21 and both teams drop a division. Still, let’s go with the Colliders in hopes that this is one of the two games I’m right about.

Cleveland (3-1) @ Linn County (3-1)

If you just look at the records then this is a game for the ages, pitting two first place teams against each other in what could be a playoff preview.

But you and I both know that Linn County is a fraud. They’ve lost a ton of good players to injury, but they’ve managed to start 3-1 despite scoring the second fewest points. That’s just good coaching, right there. Garcia is getting the most out of his guys. I heard that his mantra was “Next man up” and his players have really responded to him.

But are we really ready to start picking Cleveland to win games? You saw where that got me last week. They only scored 130 and one can’t help but wonder if we’re witnessing the start of the Cleveland slide. Much like the United States of America, the Battery is being exposed as a hollowed-out shell that’s been papered over to look shiny and festooned with baubles to distract onlookers from the truth. “Hey look, it’s Travis Kelce!” Now that we’re #fantasywoke, however, we can see that Cleveland is not the team we believed them to be.

That being said, I refuse to believe that team starting a wide receiver named Chester Rogers can win. Of course, I also felt that way about Cordarrelle Patterson, and…

North Point (2-2) @ Madtown (1-3)

…seriously, what the fuck? Cordarrelle Patterson, journeyman “gadget” player extraordinaire, is second among wide receivers in scoring. I hate that. We can only hope this is a Sammy Watkins situation, where some bumass wide receiver rips off three good games in a row only to regress to their mean, which is sucking.

Patterson scored 29.46 points to lead the Chitons over the Battery, more than making up for Tom Brady’s power outage. Ben Pershey is a pretty level-headed and peaceful guy, but if I was on the other side of that nonsense I would be RAGING. It would have ruined my day. On Sunday, when my players were sucking ass, I decided to disconnect and go to the grocery store because I felt the anger rising. And I won last week. I may need to talk to someone.

Austin Ekeler continued to light it up, since Mike Williams refused to. I just can’t believe in the Chitons. I know this is a weak argument to make, but take away Patterson and Ekeler, and the Chitons barely crack 100 last week. While Ekeler might manage to keep up his torrid pace, it’s hard to imagine Patterson doing the same. What is he, like 35 years old? And Tom Brady is my age. I hurt my back, and I’ve narrowed it down to four possibilities: I hurt it sleeping, standing, walking, or sitting. It’s tough to say. All I know is that it’s bad enough that I probably have to get it looked at. I will grant that Tom Brady is probably in better shape than me, considering he’s allowed to feast on fetal tissue, but he also has one thing going against him that I do not – there are 300-lb men working tirelessly to crush him into the earth. If he’s not going to lose arm strength (credit: fetal tissue) then he could eventually succumb to injury, given the danger of his profession. And when that happens, the Chitons are truly sunk.

Speaking of power outages, what the hell is going on with the Marauders? After looking pretty solid and scoring enough to be placed in the Gold Division next year, they laid a 113-point egg and now find themselves the fourth ranked Silver team (for next year). Another performance like that and we have to start thinking about Madtown as a Bronze team, which is where they currently reside. Maybe they are accurately rated already.

Madtown’s kicker scored 5 points, which is a normal amount for a kicker to score. Here is a list of the Madtown starters that were outscored by the kicker:

• RB Dalvin Cook
• RB David Johnson
• WR Gabriel Davis
• WR Juju Smith-Schuster
• P Kevin Huber
• DT Grady Jarrett
• DE Josh Allen
• DE Gregory Rousseau
• LB Matt Milano
• S Adrian Amos

If you like Math, and who doesn’t, that comes out to the kicker outscoring nearly 60% of the remaining starters. That’s not a formula for success.

I don’t think it’s possible for both teams to lose, so I think I’ll go with the Chitons to get another win.

Holley (2-2) @ Oregon (1-3)

Oregon got totally jobbed last week, in the dreaded “I would have beaten every team but the one I played” scenario. The Dream Team backfield played well again, even with Branden Bolden subbing in for Josh Jacobs, and Deebo Samuel scored a bunch in the 49ers loss. But here’s the thing, y’all (pardon me, I’m trying out the southern dialect now that I’m in Florida): MFing Tim started two guys who didn’t even play. How cool would it have been to hand Fransburg another undeserved loss? I would have laughed. TJ Watt for an injured Zach Cunningham would have done the trick. Alas.

Holley had the honor of scoring the fewest points last week at 106, which comes out to 5.9 points per guy. DJ Chark pitched in 0 before breaking his ankle and losing the rest of his season, which should hasten Urban Meyer’s inevitable firing / “stepping down for health reasons” and pave the way for a real coach to help Trevor Lawrence actually be good. Haha, remember how Urban was caught on camera fingerbanging some college co-ed? After the fluff pieces about his weird ass house with his family photos on the coffee table? That guy is legitimately a sociopath.

Kirk Cousins finally played like shit against the vaunted Cleveland Browns defense, but to his credit, his one TD pass did go to Justin Jefferson, which is where his value starts and ends. The Holley Hawks lineup looks pretty dismal if Cousins and Aaron Jones don’t produce, but to be fair, it seems like everyone’s lineup has a bunch of SUSPECT players in it these days.

Oregon’s performance did vault them into the thick of the Silver Division for next year, and their RB corps keeps producing. I think they are going to make some hay this year, especially if their coach can get his head out of his ass and WRs like Deebo Samuel can be relied upon to score. Holley? Not so much. It would be folly to choose Holley this week.

(I’m sorry. I’ll see myself out.)

Tooz Town (2-2) @ Fransburg (1-3)

Okay, I’ve committed to changing, done my community service, and I’m back to talk about Tooz Town and Fransburg.

Tooz Town is benefiting from pscyho Urban Meyer realizing that Trevor Lawrence would love nothing more than to throw multiple interceptions per game, so their best chance to win is to lean on James Robinson, who himself is benefiting from the fact that his replacement ACL’d himself in the preseason. Robinson is taking advantage of the situation, posting 16 and 18 the last two weeks.

DJ Moore scored 25 in the win.

Of course, Coach Matuszak saw that his two quarterbacks, Kyler Murray and Matthew Stafford, were squaring off in real life, and chose to go with…Stafford.

Bruh.

Surprising nobody, Kyler Murray was the better play. Surprising me, the Cardinals curbstomped the Rams.

Just a side note: the other Matuszak also started a guy who wasn’t playing in Julio Jones, because blood is thicker than water or something.

Let’s pause here for a moment and take a look at Tooz’s big time contributors in Moore, Robinson, and even Matthew Stafford. Where did they come from? Oh, that’s right, they all came over from Fransburg on September 9th in exchange for Aaron Rodgers, Budda Baker, and a 1st.

I’m not going to pooh pooh the trade, because it does seem fairly balanced, and I especially like that Franssen got a first rounder. However, Aaron Rodgers isn’t even the best QB on the (r)EvoLUtion. That distinction belongs to Sam Darnold, obviously (by quite a bit!). They traded away Stafford, who is also outscoring Rodgers. Jared Fucking Goff is not outscoring Rodgers, but it’s close!

Imagine the glory the (r)EvoLUtion could be enjoying with the Darnold-Moore connection each week. Instead they’re forced to start Aaron Rodgers every week or risk him holding a press conference to talk about how the (r)EvoLUtion management won’t sign expensive ineffective veterans.

Even after bumbling the trade, the (r)EvoLUtion still look to be a solid team. And can you really blame Adam for not believing in Sam Darnold? Sure you can. Fuck Franssen.

Regardless, guys like Tyreek Hill and Davante Adams can go off at any time, and I just don’t see that explosiveness on the Tooz side of Town. So let’s go with Fransburg to keep the winning streak going.

Marshfield (2-2) @ Bestine (2-2)

The Banthas lost a tough game to one of the Immersion’s historically best and most beloved teams last week. On the heels of a devastating loss, Banthas owner offered a master class in sportsmanship when he texted me the following:

There is no other way to read this message than a sincere offering of condolences. It’s hard to imagine the writer smirking or basking in someone else’s misery.

Anyway, Lindsay can console himself with the knowledge that he would have lost anyway, even if he had chosen a different defender than Khari Willis, who didn’t play. That’s comforting, in a way. I still like the Banthas in general, especially as Joe Burrow gets better and better. The defense could use some work, but they have to be happy about Sebastian Joseph-Day, the stellar defensive tackle everyone was clamoring over in the auction. SJD scored 19 points last week and is the 3rd ranked defensive tackle. He’s much better than his teammate, that overrated piece of shit Aaron Donald, who is merely 6th in scoring among DTs.

I want the Banthas to win with every fiber of my being because they are playing the Pirates, who are in first place. They deserve prison, not first place.

(I’m just kind of leaning into this “Most Hated Team” discussion that Marcot and Enright started up last week. It’s just a lot more interesting when the league has a Heel.)

I do kind of hate them though, because when David Montgomery got injured, I looked to pick up his backup, who of course is already on the Pirates. Damien Williams finds himself in the starting lineup this week, so now we can all actively root against him.

How did Joe Mixon do last week? 16 carries for 67 yards. Pathetic. He did add the touchdown to redeem himself though, but he’s no Christian McCaffrey, who has been practicing in a limited fashion this week. If C-Mac does get to play, it’s against the Eagles 31st-ranked rush defense, so that could be a big plus for the Pirates. Let’s all pray for a setback.

You have to wonder how Enright felt about Russell Wilson’s effort against the 49ers last week. Were the fantasy points worth seeing the 49ers lose? Were they? You better get your soul right, Jason.

So, I have to pick someone. Do I go with my head or do I go with my heart? FUCK IT LET’S GO BANTHAS! WOOHOO, BESTINE RULEZ!

Enjoy the games, everyone. Who is playing tonight, anyway? Rams and Seahawks? Oh snap! Youse guise better get those lineups in!

As for me, I have tomorrow off, so I can stay up and watch it. Why do I have tomorrow off? Oh, because it’s homecoming for the University of Florida and apparently they cancel school for that shit. Gotta love living in SEC country!

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2021, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.