Week 15 – Playoffs

We’ve made it to the playoffs! Here are some programming notes:

Thursday Game: Chiefs at Chargers

Saturday Games: Raiders at Browns and Patriots at Colts

MNF: Vikings at Bears

Get your lineups in, is what I’m saying.

Winners

Marshfield (8-6)*, Culver City (5-9)*, North Point (10-4)*, Batavia (10-4)*, Fransburg (8-6)*, Linn County (7-7)

* Playoff Team

Linn County gave Fransburg the gift of a playoff berth by beating Oregon.

Prediction Record

Week 14: 5-1

Overall: 49-37

Stupid Enright, barely winning.

2022 Divisions (OFFICIAL!)

Nothing changed from last week. Congrats to the Dream Team for finally leaving the Bronze Division.

Week 15 Matchups

Let’s start by celebrating the fact that Urban Meyer was fired in the dead of night. He survived groping a college co-ed instead of flying home with his team, calling his assistant coaches losers, and hardly ever winning. Not to mention the fact he’s actively ruining Trevor Lawrence. He could not survive the report about how he kicked Josh Lambo at practice. What kind of shitty boss are you that you actually kick an employee at work? Kudos to Lambo for not laying his old ass out.

Urban Meyer has always been a scumbag. Glad to see him get fired. He’ll surely get hired onto some college program where he can continue being a mini-tyrant. But until then, we can be glad that some measure of justice was finally meted out.

First Round Byes

Marshfield and Culver City. The Krakens finished 5-9 and get a first round bye. Last year they finished 5-9 and won the whole damn thing. Fuck the Krakens.

In the Most Futile Franchise bracket, having a first round bye is a bad thing. That “honor” goes to Madtown (totally fair) and Oregon (an obscenity). Oregon gets jobbed for finishing 3rd in the Bronze, but they are SO much better than Holley, who deserves that spot. We might want to look into the rules about MFF seeding next offseason.

Fransburg (8-6) @ Batavia (10-4)

Fransburg finished the regular season 1st in scoring, with Batavia third. Makes sense that they would have to square off in the first round. Our playoff system is dumb af.

The Colliders won the week 3 matchup with Fransburg, but that was back in the halcyon Derrick Henry days. Those days are over, and now it’s just injuries and Covid outbreaks. The Colliders got word that starting defensive backs Kendall Fuller and Xavier McKinney are now on the Covid list. McKinney can return by Saturday if he tests negative, but it looks like Fuller is out. He has done press conferences in a mask, which would seem to indicate he’s unvaccinated. Colliders corners have spent more time on IR than off it, it seems.

Fransburg got big games out of Aaron Rodgers and Davante Adams to punch their ticket to the playoffs last week. Jamarr Chase proved he was the right pick at #2 in the draft, scoring 2 touchdowns en route to 19 points. Keenan Allen returns after a bout with COVID and he’ll square off with Mike Williams for LAC WR primacy (he will win, because when he was out a bunch of nobodies caught all the passes instead of Mike Williams).

Adam finally achieved his dream of credibly starting D’Onta Foreman last week, albeit about 3 years late. Foreman responded with a touchdown against the lowly Jags. The real problem for the Colliders is going to be Jonathan Taylor. The only thing that stopped him in recent weeks was the bye. He draws the Patriots, who have hopefully designed a scheme to prevent him from running rampant, which is his usual course of action.

Overall, the (r)EvoLUtion have an advantage at each position group, even WR, which is the strength of the Colliders. They’ll put an end to a Colliders season that withstood a great deal of depth chart strain. Maybe next year the NFL will figure out how to not have half the league miss games when most of the players are vaccinated.

At least the Colliders don’t have to start Trevor Lawrence this week.

(Trevor Lawrence will throw 4 TD passes and run for 2 more without Urban Meyer around to stink up the joint.)

Tooz Town (5-9) @ North Point (10-4)

The Chitons deserve a first round bye, and this is the closest thing they’ll get to one. The GIMB do not have what it takes to win this game. Not by a long shot. Look for them to get absolutely dominated. Decimated. Humiliated.

Dollar Store Tom Brady (aka actual Tom Brady who costs $1) will have 4 TD passes by halftime.

Kyler Murray will drive the Cardinals to the one yard line and then James Conner will punch it in.

The Chiefs will beat the Chargers 44-8 and Austin Ekeler will have the lone Chargers touchdown.

It will be a travesty beyond all measure if the undeserving GIMB find a way to knock off one of the best teams in the league. But it won’t happen.

It can’t happen.

It shan’t happen.

Bestine (9-5) @ Holley (3-11)

Bestine should be in the playoffs. It’s an outrage that they have to travel to Holley in the loser bracket. Holley shouldn’t even be playing this week, let alone hosting a game.

Last time these two teams played, Bestine won by 21. I suspect we’ll see more of the same this week. Holley is a STRONG contender for Most Futile Franchise. I’d be surprised if they crack 100 this week.

Cleveland (8-6) @ Linn County (7-7)

The Cleveland Slide actually came into existence, as foretold by Ben Pershey. They finished the season on a 4-game losing streak to miss the playoffs. Linn County, on the other hand, finished hot, winning 3 in a row and almost pulling out the division. Josh Allen continues to shine even as the Bills struggle. He shouldn’t have too much trouble against the Carolina Panthers.

Baker Mayfield, and all of the Browns, really, are on the COVID list this week. Do I think Derek Carr has what it takes to lead the Battery to victory? I do not.

The losing streak continues. Hopefully the Battery can put a stop to it before they are crowned the Most Futile Franchise.

Enjoy the games, everyone. And if you’re hitting the road like I am next week, then safe travels. Hopefully your fantasy dreams will come true, but if not, there’s always next year.

Or is there?

I mean, yeah, probably. Plagues can’t last forever, right?

Right?

Well, I don’t want to leave you on a sour note, so if you haven’t checked into the Jorts the Cat saga, you can click the link and take your mind off this troubled world, if only for a few minutes.

© 2021, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.