Hey sports fans. It’s hard to believe we are back for yet another season of fantasy football. Did you know this was our 13th year? It feels like this league just started.
The offseason was tumultuous. Brady retired then unretired. Then went awol from camp. Might become a divorced guy.
Calvin Ridley got nabbed for gambling. A promising rookie running back was carjacked and shot. But all of that is over now because the rosters are down to 40 players and the games finally count.
The Bills manhandled the defending chumps, and on Sunday we get to see which of our defensive lineman can actually make the stat sheet. Let’s get to the matchups!
Marshfield Pirates @ Fransburg (r)EvoLUtion
The Pirates looked really weak heading into the season, and then they pulled their typical move where they traded for a top-end RB. Last year it was Joe Mixon, who went on to have the best season of his life. This year it’s Alvin Kamara, who got swapped for Brian Robinson (shot), Antonio Gibson, and the burned out husk of Amari Cooper.
But despite their five(!) championships, the Pirates are only 4-7 all-time against the (r)EvoLUtion. And like the Rams, these defending champs are looking to get curb stomped in week one. Allen Robinson got doubled up by the Fransburg kicker, and I’d wager that the cavalry isn’t coming for Marshfield. Jonathan Taylor and Dalvin Cook are a frightening running back tandem, and the receivers ain’t shabby either (in fact, they are very very good!)
Fransburg might be the team to beat this year.
North Point Chitons @ Batavia Colliders
The Colliders have a losing record against two teams and two teams only: the Marshfield Pirates and the North Point Chitons. They have a chance to even the score with the Chitons this week, and they’ll want to rack up some wins early before Christian McCaffrey and Derrick Henry are lost to injury. They are playing a dangerous game with their expensive, old, and injury-prone running back corps.
North Point did not overly impress with their Bills-Rams offerings, with their four starters averaging about 6 points each. They are a little thin compared to last year, but Rondale Moore comes back to Batavia holding a tattered contract and a grudge after being unceremoniously traded to North Point for a fifth rounder right before the season. Will he make the Colliders pay?
Probably not. If Justin Jefferson lives up to lofty expectations and CeeDee Lamb takes another step, then the Colliders’ solid WR crew might make up for their precarious running back situation. They also need to figure out their quarterback, where they are streaming Matt Ryan until Trevor Lawrence can prove he’s gotten better after a terrible rookie season.
Since nobody “went off” for the Chitons on Thursday, I’m picking the Colliders to win their home opener.
Cleveland Battery @ Bestine Banthas
The Battery caught lightning in a bottle last year, but being Cleveland, it still wasn’t enough. They are forced to start Nick Chubb, who is very good but only used about 25% of the time and Antonio Gibson, who plays for Washington. Their receivers are even worse, (Weird Al’s best album), with the aforementioned corpse of Amari Cooper playing opposite Russell Gage. Barf, amirite?
Bestine looks slightly better, but they have the Colliders’s problem at running back with Ezekiel Elliott and Fat Lenny Fournette. Joe Burrow had an amazing season last year, but he was extremely efficient as a passer and that doesn’t seem sustainable. I expect some regression but let’s be honest, he’s better than Matt Ryan and Trevor Lawrence.
The Banthas have Travis Kelce (for a lot of money) and they have to be hoping that he gets ALL the targets now that Tyreek Hill is gone. Maybe he will!
Anyway, let’s pick Bestine to win out of the gate, not because they are amazing, but because they aren’t Cleveland.
Culver City Krakens @ Oregon Dream Team
The Krakens went to the title game last year despite having another losing record. It will be a lot harder to make the playoffs that way from the Silver Division.
The Dream Team was a week 14 win away from clinching the Bronze and their ticket to the playoffs, but they came up short. Revenge is on their minds (I assume.)
Speaking of Joe Burrow’s regression to the mean, you have to think the same will be true for the Krakens’s Patrick Mahomes. He had his worst season as a pro last year, and you have to think he’ll be better this year, Tyreek Hill’s departure notwithstanding. They’ve got a good receiving corps with Stefon Diggs, DJ Moore, and Amon-Ra St. Brown. Diggs already went crazy against the Rams.
Oregon is heavily invested in 49ers players, and needs a good year out of Trey Lance to make it pay out. That is, until Deshaun Watson returns to Oregon’s starting lineup with open arms. You have to like Michael Pittman’s chances this year, and the fact that TJ Watt is classified as a defensive end in our “real position” update means he could compete for defensive player of the year.
I think the Krakens have what it takes to win this week, especially since Diggs already “got his.” The Dream Team will prove to be a competitive team this year, though.
Madtown Marauders @ Linn County Lumberjacks
The Rams got handled by the Bills, but Madtown’s Cooper Kupp picked up where he left off to the tune of 22.50 points. Not only that, but Gabriel Davis also scored a touchdown.
Linn County got 25.35 points from Josh Allen, who has assumed the mantle as the best QB in the NFL. And they got a ton of points from old-ass Vonn Miller. So we’ve got a barnburner going!
I like the Marauders running back duo of Joe Mixon and Travis Etienne, and I think they have a bit more firepower than the Lumberjacks. It will be a close one but they will prevail.
Weirdly, I think the Marauders might be good this year.
“But Josh,” you say, “The Marauders were the Most Futile Franchise” last year.
This is true, but part of that was because the derelict owner didn’t submit a lineup for their first playoff game. I think they might be pretty good! *curses them forever.
Tooz Town GIMB @ Holley Hawks
The Hawks were terrible last year and they bought the entire first round of the draft for an epic rebuild. James Cook didn’t really work out in week 1, as he entered the game only to fumble. We probably won’t see that guy again until week 6.
The Hawks did acquire the often imitated never immunized Aaron Rodgers, but outside of that their lineup still appears pretty shaky. After Cook scored in the negatives, their other currently listed starting RB is Ken Walker, who might not play. Wide receivers Nico Collins and DJ Chark don’t have a proven track record yet, though Courtland Sutton and Kadarius Toney might be good.
The GIMB may be starting two backs with limited viability in the form of Rashaad Penny and James Robinson. Kyler Murray is pretty decent, but the wide receivers don’t inspire a ton of confidence. This might be the game of the week! (where both teams fail to reach 100 points.)
Gotta pick someone, though, so I’ll pick Tooz Town.
Let’s see how wrong I am about everything!
© 2022, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Smdh like Davante Adams doesn’t exist. I mean, I’ll still lose but c’mon.
Is he that Packers guy?
Honestly I saw that Adams was on your team and then forgot about him. Now I think it would be a funny bit to pretend that he isn’t on your team and just never mention him.
Adam is the team to beat, but my team did surprisingly well, for the most part. Had I not put in KJ Osborn instead of JWill at the last second and Dak, you know, scores more than 3 points, I win. Boo.
I do have a feeling that midseason, the Pirates will be selling most of their talent to the highest bidder. I feel like I’ve kept this ship afloat for past its prime …
“kept this ship afloat”
I saw what you did there.