2022 Week 5 Preview

Winners

Batavia (3-1), North Point (1-3), Culver City (3-1), Oregon (3-1), Madtown (3-1), Holley (1-3)

North Point and Holley finally got on the board with a W (for those of you who don’t know, “W” stands for “win.”)

Prediction Record

Week 4: 4-2

Overall: 17-7

Hey, I was right about the Chitons and I was right about Austin Ekeler finally scoring. Oh, I was wrong about stuff too? Well guess what, sucker? I don’t have to talk about that.

2023 Divisions (if they were made today)

Week 5 Matchups

The record for the closest game was set in the Immersion’s inaugural season. Back then, the Charleston Crushers edged the Sullivan’s Island Silvertips 143.55 to 143.36, winning by a mere 0.19 points. That record held up for 12 years until last week when it was broken – twice.

There is a new record for closest margin of victory: 0.18 points. It’s shared by the Colliders and the Holley Hawks.

Fransburg: 179.50
Batavia: 179.68

Linn County: 142.04
Holley: 142.22

It’s crazy that the record for the closest game held up for so long only to be broken twice during the same week. I feel bad for Adam, who had an all-play record of 9-2 and somehow managed to find one of the two teams he’d lose to last week.

Batavia (3-1) @ Linn County (2-2)

Linn County has a decent squad this year even though they lost to the winless Hawks last week (not winless anymore!) But the Colliders have an eye-popping 10-1 overall record against the Lumberjacks. Can they improve to 11-1?

Maybe. I guess it depends on their dipshit quarterback. Maybe he’ll score 20 points. Or maybe he’ll turn it over 5 fucking times. WHO FUCKING KNOWS WITH THAT GUY? Glad I finally got rid of Daniel Jones so that I could have Daniel Jones.

It’s a real sad day when you have to seriously consider starting Geno Smith. One more good game out of that guy and I swear to God I might.

The Colliders saw another good game out of Derrick Henry and Christian McCaffrey’s garbage time touchdown breathed life into a moribund backfield. Justin Jefferson returned to getting his, with a rushing touchdown last week, and Maxx Crosby looks to be the real deal.

‘Jacks quarterback Josh Allen goes up against the Steelers (trash fire) and will undoubtedly triple the score of whatever quarterback the Colliders trot out. JK Dobbins is going to need to ball out again (2 touchdowns last week) if he and Kareem Hunt (bum) hope to keep pace with the Batavia backfield. Linn County does have a puncher’s chance at wide receiver, with Mike Evans and Jaylen Waddle leading the squad.

It may come down to the defense, and at press time both teams are starting three defensive ends for maximum boom potential. Who will it pay off for? THIS IS WHY THEY PLAY THE GAMES FOLX.

Quarterback notwithstanding, the Colliders seem to have more upside and should CHOP DOWN the Lumberjacks this week.

Culver City (3-1) @ Tooz Town (2-2)

The GIMB had a coaching blunder in which they started D’Andre Swift last week, and that bozo didn’t even play. He’ll be out until week 7 at least, but that didn’t stop the GIMB from putting him in the lineup again (as of press time.) They also have to start Michael Carter at RB, so it’s tough sledding for the GIMB, who are looking more and more like the Holley Hawks each and every week. Some (like Jeppsen) would take that as a compliment but most (like Hammond) know that to be a biting insult.

The Krakens have a juicy matchup at QB, where Mahomes takes on the hapless Raiders. Their running back Damion Pierce, aka Damion FIERCE, is coming into his own as he beasted all over for 17 points last week. And while Aaron Jones has had precisely one good game, beating up on the Giants in London seems promising.

Rashaad Penny sucked for three weeks, giving Kenneth Walker owners plenty of hope for a takeover, but Walker was hurt for most of it and Penny scored twice in week 4, slamming the door on the rookie for now. Outside of Kyler Murray, though, Penny is the GIMB’s only good offensive player. AJ Brown and Corey Davis have had their moments, but it’s not like they’re Justin Jefferson out there.

If the GIMB are to win it will be on the strength of their defense, where Myles Garrett and Jeremy Chinn can stack points in a hurry. But I just don’t see how they outduel the second highest scoring team in the league. KRAKENS all the way baby.

Cleveland (2-2) @ Madtown (3-1)

If these two teams had played last week they too would have joined the scoreboard for closest games. The Battery’s strength is Nick Chubb, who is running wild. The Cleveland (Browns) finally realized they should give their best player the ball more often. DUH! Nick Chubb has led the Browns to a 2-2 record and a share of first place (likewise he has led the Battery to a 2-2 record and a share of 3rd place.)

At first you have to wonder why the Battery keep trotting out Derek Carr, but then you see the backup is Carson Wentz and you nod your head knowingly, muttering to yourself, “Ah, I get it.” And you do. You do “get it.” Because Carson Wentz sucks ass.

The Battery have a solid contributor in Davante Adams, and a fairly decent defense, so they will compete in most games. However, they are far from a complete team.

Which brings us to the Marauders. Madtown shares in this; they are not a complete team, but neither are they a complete shit show like say the GIMB or Hawks. They have awesome quarterbacks in Herbert and Lamar Jackson. Herbert regains the starting role this week, I assume because of Lamar’s substandard game last week and the fact the Ravens face a solid defense again in week 5. A lot of points will be generated from the QB position in Madtown, and they have serviceable running backs in Joe Mixon and Breece Hall (Joe Mixon was amazing last year, but that was only because the Pirates traded for him. Now that he’s with another team it took him 4 weeks to score a touchdown.)

The Marauders receivers are weak sauce, except for Cooper Kupp, who scores enough for 3 receivers each week. On defense they have Josh Allen at DE. He’s number 41. Not number 44 like Travon Walker. So every time I see the defensive end for the Jaguars make a tackle I get excited, seeing the 40-something jersey, and then I realize it was Allen yet again. Bad for me, good for the Marauders.

Overall, I think this will be a close game, but I think Madtown has a tad bit more upside with their star players.

Fransburg (1-3) @ Holley (1-3)

If you look at the records, you might think these teams are pretty similar.

*dramatic voice* Nothing could be further from the truth.

Looking at the forecast, the computer models give us a 65% chance of a blowout with a 30% chance of a curb stomping. Be careful out there.

Funny thing is, you already know which team will be doing the curb stomping, don’t you?

The (r)EvoLUtion will finally put their superior quarterback, Jared Goff (lol) in the driver’s seat of the offense. While their running backs are underwhelming (Dalvin Cook, Damien Harris, and Khalil Herbert,) their wide receivers are awesome. Last week Jonathan Allen went absolutely insane from the DT position, and DE Nick Bosa nearly closed the deal against the Colliders. Look for big things from them again this week.

The Hawks have already run 3 players out there, and oddsmakers are not impressed. They’ve run up 20.95 points on the (r)EvoLUtion, but Vegas only gives them a 2% chance of winning. Embarrassing.

I’m not quite so reckless, so I’ll say the (r)EvoLUtion will win by a modest 40 points.

North Point (1-3) @ Bestine (2-2)

The Chitons got the win last week despite having the worst outing so far from quarterback Jalen Hurts (donut.) He should bounce back this week against the Cardinals, who are not bueno at stopping quarterbacks.

Austin Ekeler might be back to form following a 3-touchdown game. And Miles Sanders had his coming out party last week, scoring 24 points on the back of 2 touchdowns of his own. Hard to believe that guy is actually going to be worth the money.

The Chitons have struggled at wide receiver, but Chris Godwin will be making his Chitons debut after reeling in 7 Brady passes last week. Hopefully Tom’s namesake will used that divorced guy energy to force the ball to Godwin twelve times. “I don’t need a family. I don’t need a wife! I just need to keep throwing a football and getting wrecked by 350-lb 22 year olds!” [editor’s note: we will not abide any kink shaming here. Tom Brady is entitled to like what he likes.]

George Pickens finally looked like a real player last week, thanks in part to Kenny Pickett coming in and realizing they should throw to their best receiver. He’ll have his chance to show the Chitons what he can do this week.

Over in Bestine, Joe Burrow hasn’t reached the lofty heights of his Super Bowl year, and that’s concerning. But at least he’s been careful with the ball after his 5-turnover opener. That’s real Trevor Lawrence shit right there. Real talk though? Burrow isn’t good enough to carry the Banthas.

Their running backs fucking suck, yo. Ezekiel Elliott knew his shelf-life was short when he demanded all that money. Kudos to him for getting paid. But the Cowboys never should have done that deal, and Elliott has fallen off that shelf and rolled into a ravine. He’s done. Cooked. His Madden rating should be 59 now.

Fat Lenny Fournette caught 7 passes last week, and his lone touchdown on the season saved him from a terrible outing. Meanwhile Rachaad White is nipping on his heels, even though that em-effer fumbled last week. If I’m Ryan Lindsay, I’m saying “uh-oh.” I’m probably also saying lots of other stupid shit.

Don’t worry though, Allen Lazard is here to save the day. He’s the safe boy your parents tried to set you up with. No tattoos and a steady job. Sure, you’re not excited by him, per se, but you’ll settle for his consistency. It’s not like you’re getting any younger.

Given the fact that the Eagles are playing the Cardinals and that Ezekiel Elliott is scoring 1.60 points this week, I’m going to pull the UPSET CARD and say the Chitons will win! Whoah!

Marshfield (1-3) @ Oregon (3-1)

First of all, the Pirates hold a 10-3 all-time record against the Dream Team. THROW THE RECORDS OUT!

The Pirates are in disarray. Currently they aren’t even starting enough players (they are short one wide receiver.) What a joke!

Also, Russell Wilson is now a 59 on Madden too, and he only scored 4 points on Thursday night. That was many points fewer than the 19.75 offered up by Oregon’s Bradley Chubb. And while the Dream Team lost Cordarrelle Patterson to a knee injury, wouldn’t you know they have his backup rostered already. Oregon is coming off a season high 199-point outing, thanks to the resurgent Josh Jacobs, who exploded for 26 points last week.

Hollywood Brown is annoyingly competent, and Deebo Samuel seems to be the only scoring option the 49ers have. I predicted the Dream Team would be good, and here it is coming to fruition. They should have no problem with the Pirates.

It’s really fun to watch the demise of Marshfield in real time, but Jason is taking it in stride which takes some of the excitement out of it, to be honest. Hard to rag on someone too hard when they are being a good sport. In my dark times, I remember that this em-effer has five championships, and then I feel better about shitting on his lousy team.

I’m betting on the highest scoring team in the league in this one. Weird that it’s the Dream Team and not the Pirates. WE’RE LIVING IN THE UPSIDE DOWN!

In Closing

Don’t forget there’s a stupid London game. Make sure your Packers and Giants are set. Last week I left Kamara in my lineup in my 2 lesser leagues. It wasn’t fun!

Have a great Sunday and may all your fantasy dreams come true!

© 2022, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.