2022 Week 12 Preview

Winners

North Point (8-3), Marshfield (6-5), Oregon (5-6), Bestine (4-7), Holley (5-6), Linn County (4-7)

Upsets all over the place.

Prediction Record

Last Week: 2-4

Overall: 39-27

With back to back 2-4 showings I’ve demonstrated I have no idea what I’m talking about.

2023 Divisions (if they were made today)

This might be the first time there is no change in the divisions. Maybe not. I’m not looking it up.

Week 12 Matchups

I’m hoping I have an advantage picking games this week since 3 NFL games went down on Thanksgiving. Also, I didn’t have time to work on it yesterday because I was cooking like a boss (and I think I did dishes 4 or 5 times yesterday.)

Anyway, Thanksgiving rules. The kids got up and watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Then I got to see the Lions play well but predictably lose in the end. I wasn’t a super big fan of Ryan’s NYG DT doubling up my NYG DT but overall it was a good day. At least Justin Jefferson returned to form.

After dinner we had pie and watched SPIRITED on Apple TV, which is a musical vaguely based on A CHRISTMAS CAROL but with Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds. It was just the right amount of silliness to help with digestion after a glorious day of eating.

On to the games.

Bestine (4-7) @ Batavia (7-4)

The Colliders were the second highest scoring team last week but played the only team that could defeat them. That gave the red hot Chitons the chance to overtake them in the Gold, and they did just that. Eff the Chitons is what I’m saying.

Bestine got a rare W against thanks to Travis Kelce (pictured above.) Sure, Kelce costs $41, but he is outscoring the next best tight end by an eye-popping 70 points. I’d say he’s worth it.

Ezekiel Elliott rudely outscored CeeDee Lamb yesterday, as did Ryan’s NYG DT (as stated before – were you even paying attention?) The Colliders’s Mac Jones scored in double digits for the first time all year. Couldn’t do that last week when you were forced into the starting lineup? No? Could only muster 3 offensive points last week? Eat shit, Mac Jones.

With Jefferson playing well, the Colliders have a 10-point lead, but the Banthas have one more man left to play than them. I still give it to the Colliders. Derrick Henry scoring 3 TDs against the Bengals will just be doubly heartbreaking for the Banthas.

Oregon (5-6) @ Fransburg (3-8)

The Dream Team finally got a good game out of Najee Harris last week, and this week they play against the (r)EvoLUtion, who get scored on more than the Cleveland Browns. The Goff/Cousins QB controversy continues to brew, with Goff getting the start and doing worse than Cousins. Rest assured, whichever QB Adam picks will be the one that sucks.

But Goff still did okay with a pair of 1-yd TD passes. Fransburg isn’t favored, but I think they have a chance in this one. The 49ers are running into a classic trap game with New Orleans (it gives me no pleasure to report this) so it’s unlikely that all of the Dream Team’s Niners will go apeshit like they did last week to defeat the much cooler Colliders. On the other hand, with Khalil Herbert injured, the Fransburg running backs are complete dogshit. They have to start Kyren Williams this week, which looks smart given Damien Harris’s 1.30 points and Nyheim Hines 0.77 points from the bench (they also have Jaylen Warren, who helped out with 0.95 in his start last week.)

They’ve suffered a lot of injuries, but Ja’Marr Chase might be close to coming back. They need him. Boy do they need him. Sheesh.

Given that I’ve already committed to the Saints trap game, let’s say Taysom Hill outscores George Kittle, who also had his best game of the year against the Colliders.

GO FRANSBURG!

Madtown (8-3) @ North Point (8-3)

For all the prattling about Gabriel Davis I heard in the background as I prepared my feast, you would have thought he did better than 4 catches for 38 yards. His failures, along with an underwhelming defensive effort have me concerned the Marauders don’t have what it takes to destroy my mortal enemy.

If the Marauders have a chance, then Justin Herbert is going to have to stop being kinda shitty. Oh sure, every one of his wide receivers is always injured, but still. I’m going to need a 5-TD game out of you this week.

Meanwhile the Chitons got unearned success from Alex Anzalone, some linebacker I drafted a million years ago that has always sucked. Somebody do an article on the Chitons recent (at least two years in the making) spate of incredible luck. What deal with SATAN did Tom make? I’m supposed to believe that Alex Anzalone is now good? Fuck outta here.

I believe the Chitons are going to win and maintain their hold on first place. But it’s my sincere hope that my streak of bad picking continues, and that by picking the Chitons I have cursed them straight to hell.

Tooz Town (3-8) @ Marshfield (6-5)

Like I don’t have enough problems with the Chitons. Now the Pirates are breathing down my neck? At least they have a quality opponent this week*

(* just kidding, the GIMB have an all-play record of 16-105. Their current winning percentage of .273 shows how far above the rim they’ve been playing…the all-play record is .132)

Also they haven’t submitted a lineup this week, so they missed out on starting some of their regulars like Tony Pollard and D’Andre Swift.

The Pirates started a bunch of guys yesterday but left Isaiah McKenzie and Adam Thielen on the bench like a joker. Such an error might cost them a game against a real team, but fortunately for the Pirates they aren’t facing one this week.

Still don’t know how the GIMB got to 3 wins. They might be one of the worst teams of all time. Pirates in this one, obviously.

Holley (5-6) @ Culver City (7-4)

The Hawks are on a tear!

The early returns from the Thanksgiving games don’t look promising if you’re a Holley fan (or even a casual dabbler in the Hawks.)

Culver City got 18.85 out of Amon-Ra St. Brown, the steal at the end of the third round of the 2021 draft. They also got 15 out of Stefon Diggs and double digits out of TE Hockenson. Patrick Mahomes hasn’t even played yet, and he draws the Raiders. Last time he played the Raiders he scored 25 points on 4 touchdown passes. I think the Raiders are worse now than they were then.

The Hawks bold move of starting Daniel Jones over Aaron Rodgers might not have worked out, as Jones only scored 10. Meanwhile, if Christian Watson is going to continue to be a thing, the Hawks might want to cash in on the Rodgers/Watson stack. Rodgers has scored 15 points two games in a row, which is not a lot given his former standard, but maybe he’s finally getting his shit together.

The deficit is probably too much to overcome here, so let’s put the Hawks winning streak to bed. We salute you, though.

Linn County (4-7) @ Cleveland (6-5)

Speaking of not taking advantage of the stack, the Battery are weirdly starting Taylor Heinecke over Derek Carr. Look man, I get that Carr isn’t amazing but Taylor Fucking Heinecke? Don’t overthink it man. You’ll get an extra 4 points for every Davante Adams touchdown if you start Carr.

The Lumberjacks got a solid 23 points out of Josh Allen, but unfortunately for them I think that’s where they’ll get the bulk of their scoring. The much hyped Aidan Hutchinson chipped in with 0 whole points on Thursday. Nice one sided face paint though, my guy.

Von Miller had one tackle before hurting himself (he’s very old) and Micah Parsons chirped all over Twitter about how great he is. Turns out his 2 sacks were also his only 2 tackles. Didn’t even crack 10 points.

This is all to say that the Battery should get a win here, but the ‘Jacks have a chance if the Battery are going to screw around at quarterback. They’ll likely come to their senses when the turkey hangover clears, so look for Cleveland to notch another victory.

In Closing

Hopefully everyone had a nice holiday and ate a bunch of delicious food. I’m looking forward to leftovers today. And I already ordered one Christmas present. Just a model of efficiency.

I am a little sad about the week coming to a close, however, as that means I have to return to work soon. Working is for suckers, amirite? Wish I was unethical enough to invent a multi-level marketing scheme and then fleece a bunch of rubes of all their money. Ah well, nevertheless.

Enjoy the (remaining) games everyone!

© 2022, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.