Well, unfortunately I couldn’t keep up with the old blog after week 12. Maybe next year we can have some kind of rotation of writers to split up the work of the column, if people are interested in that. However, I’m back on this Merryneum (weird week between Christmas and New Year’s) to at least get one last article done about the championship game.
2023 Divisions (Official)
GOLD:
Batavia
Culver City
Oregon
Cleveland
SILVER:
North Point
Bestine
Fransburg
Marshfield
BRONZE:
Madtown
Holley
Linn County
Tooz Town
Immersion Bowl XIII
Batavia (11-4) vs North Point (10-5)
These two teams battled it out all season for the top spot in the Gold Division, with the Colliders edging the Chitons in the final week of the regular season to take the crown. Both teams earned first round byes, and both closed the deal in the semi-final to find themselves in the title game.
This game is a rematch of Immersion Bowl VII in 2016, where the Colliders were victorious 160.05 to 117.34. The Chitons are 0-2 in title games and the Colliders are 3-3.
These teams have been evenly matched over the years. They’ve played each other 19 times, with the Colliders winning 10 and the Chitons winning 9.
Who to Watch
The Chitons quarterback, Jalen Hurts, has been destroying the league this year. Prior to sitting out in week 16 with an injury, he was leading all scorers. Now he’s a point behind Patrick Mahomes, who hasn’t missed any games.
Hurts was drafted by the Chitons in the fourth round of the 2020 rookie draft. He is averaging 20.89 points per game to lead the Immersion. He’s on his final year of his contract and he’s obviously exceeded expectations. He’ll become a free agent unless the Chitons apply the franchise tag to him.
Hurts has 22 passing touchdowns and an ungodly 13 rushing touchdowns. Given that the Eagles lost without him in week 16, he’s pushing to play in week 17, which is good news for the Chitons.
The Chitons also have the best running back in the league in Austin Ekeler. He stepped up last week in the absence of Hurts to score 19.75 points and end the Krakens 3-year streak of appearing in title games.
As for the Colliders, their quarterback will be Trevor Lawrence, who has been up and down this season but mostly up lately. He replaces Geno Smith who has regressed into being Geno Smith.
Batavia has a couple of solid running backs of their own in Derrick Henry and Christian McCaffrey, who are third and fourth in scoring among running backs. It’s been a little bit of a running back rebound year, as there are four backs who have eclipsed 200 points. Saquon Barkley will likely join the group after this week.
The difference may come at wide receiver, where the Colliders have three in the top-11. Justin Jefferson continues to amaze as the best one in the league, and CeeDee Lamb is the 6th best wideout with a 25-point performance last week. Christian Kirk has also played well, but not since the bye, and will likely find himself sitting again.
The Chitons have five wide receivers on IR, so they’ll be playing with Chris Godwin and George Pickens. Things are so dire at wide receiver that they have to go with the two-TE set in Andrews and Kmet.
Why to Watch
Because it’s the freaking championship game! To see if the Colliders can inch closer to the Pirates and their five titles. To see if Tom can get over the hump and bring home the trophy before being demoted to the Silver Division.
Hear It from the Owners
Things have fallen apart a bit the last few weeks for the Chitons. It seems we peaked about 6 or 7 weeks too early…..Week 10, that was a good week. There is some early optimism that we might get our QB back and that will provide the spark we need to get things back on track and bring home the win; or even at least a respectable showing.
The Pirates gave us all could handle last week, reminding me that this is an Any Given Sunday type of league. This is one of my better teams and I feel pretty good going into the final week, but you never know what could happen. I’m hoping to win, obviously, but at least Tom is a worthy opponent, so it won’t sting too badly if I don’t. Of course, once things start to turn south in the game, look for all sportsmanship to cease and the whining to come out. It will probably be something along the lines of, ‘Love it when my first round QB turns it over five times in the half.’
The tell is, I won’t actually love that. I’ll be mad as hell!
Most Futile Franchise
Tooz Town (3-12) vs Linn County (5-10)
I refuse to believe that Tooz Town won three games. They started the season 2-0! Incredible, considering how bad they are. They were the lowest scoring team in the league 11 times out of 15 tries. Their all-play record was 16-138 after the regular season (it’s worse now, but that includes their bye week in which they did not submit a lineup so I’m not going to pile on.)
They averaged 112.6 points per game. That seems pretty low! But is it historically low? Kind of! It’s the fourth worst scoring output of all time:
| Team | Year | Record | Average PPG |
| Sullivan's Island Silvertips | 2014 | 0-13 | 104.3 |
| Holley Hawks | 2015 | 3-10 | 106.7 |
| Kamino Bounty Hunters | 2013 | 1-12 | 108.8 |
| Tooz Town GIMB | 2022 | 3-11 | 112.6 |
Not great, GIMB!
Although, unlike the Lumberjacks, the GIMB have never been named Most Futile Franchise. I believe this is the year that changes.
Who to Watch
The Lumberjacks Josh Allen continues to score a ton of points for his ungrateful teammates who do nothing to help him. Allen is on the franchise tag and will become a free agent next year, but the Lumberjacks have Justin Fields waiting in the wings. They’ve got an eye for QB talent, that’s for sure.
Cam Akers scored 3 times last week, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the surprisingly solid Holley Hawks.
Which NFL free agent on the GIMB should you watch? Huh, can’t think of any since they literally don’t have jobs in the league. I guess you could see what Tony Pollard and AJ Brown do, as they try to push the final score closer to 100 points.
Why to Watch
Look, I know I’m supposed to be a good soldier and oversell the games so that our corporate sponsors make money, but I can’t think of a single reason to watch this trainwreck.
Hear It from the Owners
Going to beat Garcia with Kaepernick as my QB because GIMB.
Matt Matuszak
Ha! GIMB couldn’t beat their way out of a wet paper bag this year.
In Closing
It’s been another fun season everybody. Thanks for the competition and camaraderie. Crazy that we’ve completed 13 seasons in this league, which requires owners to have a great deal of knowledge about rookies, defensive players, and, well, math. And however the last week turns out, we can rest easy in knowing that Enright isn’t going to add any hardware to his trophy case this year.*
*Obligatory shot at Enright. I actually quite enjoy playing with knowledgeable owners who are really engaged. But come on, bro, five titles is enough.
© 2022, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.
Another fun season indeed! Good luck to you both!
I will be submitting a lineup, just so I could say what would have been had we not adjusted the seeding! Boo…
A form of torture! You’ll probably score 200 this week!