2023 Week 14 Preview

Winners

Oregon (11-2), Batavia (9-4), Fransburg (9-4), North Point (5-8), Holley (9-4), Linn County (3-10)

Most of the usual suspects, though it’s nice to see Linn County get a much needed W.

Prediction Record

I haven’t done this article the last 3 weeks due to illness and being busy, so I’m not going to look up how well I did predicting the Week 10 games.

2024 Divisions (if they were made today)

They are going to be set after this week, so a lot is riding on the scoring outcomes.

Week 14 Matchups

I was hoping to stay caught up with these previews over Thanksgiving break but after I cooked a beautiful turkey I started to feel a cold coming on. After that I had the worst illness of my life since my OG Covid in 2020 (pre-vaccine). This time it wasn’t Covid or the flu or strep. It was some virus, but could have been RSV, which is going around Gainesville. Anyway, it sucked SO HARD to be sick during my break. It carried over into the next week an I actually had to miss work on Monday and Tuesday. Then I muddled through the rest of the week hopped up on DayQuil. Fast forward another week and I’m mostly recovered but now my daughter is laid low with it. Being sick is dumb.

I did make a kickass turkey though.

Anyway, we’re heading into the final week of the regular season, which means it’s time to take a look at the playoff picture. It’s more complicated than it used to be because we tweaked the rules last year. Here’s what I know:

GOLD:

The Oregon Dream Team have won the Gold Division and earned the #1 seed and a first round bye. Not bad considering they’ve been starting Gardner Minshew for most of the season.

The number 2 seed and first round bye will go to either the Batavia Colliders or the Culver City Krakens. This is important thanks to the rule changes, which state that seeds 3-6 are based on record (it used to be the Gold teams got the top 3 seeds.) Batavia can earn the #2 seed with a win or a Krakens loss. The Krakens would win the #2 seed with a win and a Collider loss, because then they would have the same record, same division record, and a H2H tie, which I believe would send it to total points. The Krakens are the highest scoring team in the league.

Regardless of the outcomes above, both teams will round out the playoff picture in the Gold division. The odd man out is the Cleveland Battery.

SILVER:

The Marshfield Pirates and Fransburg (r)EvoLUtion are headed to the playoffs from the Silver Division. Marshfield is 10-3 and Fransburg is 9-4. If Fransburg wins and Marshfield loses, and both teams wind up at 10-4, then Fransburg would have the seeding edge over Marshfield by virtue of defeating the Pirates twice this year. However, if the Holley Hawks from the Bronze division also wind up at 10-4 then it would go to a Points Scored situation, which favors Fransburg over both squads.

The Pirates can lock up the #3 seed by winning this week. North Point and Bestine are out.

BRONZE:

Only one team goes from the Bronze and it has been pretty clear for most of the year that it would be the Holley Hawks. They are 9-4 currently. In days of yore they’d automatically get the #6 seed but they have a chance for the #4 seed with a win, a Fransburg win, and a Marshfield loss, and some outscoring of other teams. In that situation all three teams are 10-4 and whatever Gold team that finishes third in their division is 9-5. Should that scenario play out then Fransburg is likely your #3 seed with Marshfield and Holley being seeds 4 and 5 and some 9-5 Gold Team being the #6 seed instead of the #3 seed. It could be crazy!

Obviously the league punching bag teams (Madtown, Linn County, Tooz Town) are out of the playoffs and the rest of the league thanks them for the ineptitude. The playoff teams are set, if not the seeds. And all of them have convincingly winning records this year. Not the 5-9 bullshit of years past.

Oregon (11-2) @ Culver City (8-5)

Luck has favored the Dream Team and it has not favored the Krakens. Culver City is leading the league in scoring by a wide margin, yet they keep suffering heartbreaking losses. Last week they were in good shape against the Colliders, heading into the Monday night game, when Trevor Lawrence scored 21 points to secure a 1-point win. (Lawrence, incidentally, suffered a bad ankle injury because why would you want your QB, who has finally figured out how to play, to be available for the playoffs?)

Every time I see the Dream Team lineup I pick them to lose and then somehow they don’t. Culver City should run away with this one but somehow the Dream Team find a way to win. NEVERTHELESS, a Culver City win fucks up my chances of earning the #2 seed so I assume that will be the outcome.

Tooz Town (2-11) @ Madtown (2-11)

When I saw that both Deebo Samuel and DK Metcalf had 29 points last week I assumed the GIMB won. NOPE. Turns out they also posted 5 goose eggs in their lineup and had an efficiency rating of 59.9% which has to be one of the lowest I’ve seen. It makes me wonder if Matt Matuszak thinks this is a Best Ball league. Aaron Jones has started 12 games for the GIMB while playing in 7 games for the Packers. But it’s not even a “set-it-and-forget-it” situation because they don’t have a lineup in yet for this week, which means they missed out on Jabrill Peppers’s interception on Thursday night.

One of their two wins came against Madtown in week 1, but I do not see that happening again. Give me Tua and Etienne all day against the GIMB.

Holley (9-4) @ Linn County (3-10)

Are the Hawks looking past the Lumberjacks? They haven’t set a lineup yet. Last week the Hawks put up a league high 173 points, getting 20+ point performances out of De’Von Achane, Nico Collins, and Antoine Winfield (not to mention 19 points out of DE Josh Allen.) The Hawks seem to be built for sustained success as most of their team consists of first or second year players. Excellent drafting and shrewd trades have put Holley into the upper echelon of teams after years of futility. You love to see it, it’s the whole point of a Dynasty/Contract league.

The Lumberjacks have some up-and-coming players in Jahmyr Gibbs and Rashee Rice, but they don’t have enough firepower to hang with Holley. Also, if I were the ‘Jacks I’d probably get a new punter since Ryan Stonehouse is on IR now.

Bestine (4-9) @ Marshfield (10-3)

Bestine has been behind the eight ball all season with injuries. I wondered why they were starting Desmond Ridder this week and then I saw that Kirk Cousins, Joe Burrow, and Aaron Rodgers are all on IR.

Neat.

Marshfield made the necessary moves to turn their shit team into a contender, like they always do, and I don’t see them having too much difficulty this week, even if Justin Herbert forgot how to play football. The Banthas really don’t have an answer, and Tee Higgins sucks now (bad timing, my guy.) Marshfield will end up 11-3. MARK MY WORDS.

Fransburg (9-4) @ North Point (5-8)

Fransburg is looking good these days, especially with the return of Kyren Williams, touchdown machine. Williams has 10 touchdowns in the eight games he’s played this year. He’s come back just in time for Fransburg, who also feature heroes like Tyreek Hill and Ja’Marr Chase. Remember how Adam drafted Puka Nacua at 4.02? Man, I wish I would have taken him at 4.01 instead of Sean Tucker, Pig Fucker.

North Point won an asterisk worthy championship last year and look at them now. Ha. Haha. I laugh at their misfortune. Tom Brady comes off the bench for 30 points at age 100? GTFO.

Jalen Hurts continues his reign of terror. I just don’t like that guy. I can’t explain it. I feel like he’s not that good despite all evidence to the contrary. Anyway, it was really fun to watch the 49ers curbstomp the Eagles last week. What a great day that was.

I think Fransburg has a LEGIT shot to add their second title to the trophy case this year, so I’m going to pick them to win against North Point. It would be nice for them. Adam won the first ever Immersion title but that was before we had the trophy. If I can’t win it this year, then I’ll be rooting for Adam to take it home. Nothing better than displaying the trophy prominently in your living room to remind your family of your success.

Batavia (9-4) @ Cleveland (6-7)

I thought the Battery were done for after they started selling off all their best players. But then they weirdly started winning and have set themselves up for a possible Silver Division placement next year (after dabbling with a Bronze placement for a bit.) Remember when they accidentally picked up Ezekiel Elliott, forgetting he cost $69? Well, that motherfucker scored 19.70 points on Thursday night to put the Battery in position to spoil the Colliders’s #2-seed aspirations.

The Colliders have been successful despite navigating a bunch of injuries to key players. Austin Ekeler missed some time and when he came back he demonstrated that he’d lost two steps in his absence. Mike Williams peaced out early. Both Darren Waller and Luke Musgrave are on IR (thanks for the 0.00 points Cade Otton!) Every linebacker is dead.

Justin Jefferson finally returns but has Joshua Dobbs throwing to him now. Thankfully Christian McCaffrey and CeeDee Lamb have been holding down the fort.

Trevor Lawrence started the first 9 games for the Colliders and was the 20th rated quarterback. After putting up 0.33 in week 10, I benched him. Naturally, he scored 28.11 on the bench, having his best game of his career. Still, I didn’t buy it, so I started Joshua Dobbs against the Bears, who went on to throw 4 interceptions while Lawrence scored 17.56 on the bench. Had I believed in Lawrence I would have won against the hated Pirates.

“Fine, I’ll start Lawrence,” I said last week. “Maybe he’s finally figured it out.” T-Law scored 21 points and led me to victory over the less-hated Krakens. Also he had a high ankle sprain and will likely miss time.

I need to get that #2-seed and bye so that Lawrence can rest up for his 1.56 point performance when he comes back and I need a win. Actually, I should be careful what I wish for. If I do get the bye I’ll probably score 186 points and then follow it up with 112 when it counts. This is the way of fantasy.

Nevertheless, the Colliders are 15-4 all time against the Battery so I think I’ll pick them to win.

In Closing

I’m always surprised with how quickly the fantasy season goes. It’s been another fun season, aside from all the injuries. It definitely helps that the 49ers are good, because if I get bounced from the playoffs I can still enjoy the NFL. Fingers crossed that league-MVP Brock Purdy stays healthy.

Have a great weekend, and enjoy the games!

And in case you missed it, the saga of the grill ended thusly:

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