2023 Week 15 Playoff Preview

Winners

Batavia (10-4), Culver City (9-5), Marshfield (11-3), Fransburg (10-4), Linn County (4-10), Madtown (3-11)

Prediction Record

Last Week: 5-1

Overall: 36-24 (0.600)

Not too bad. I shared some of that success with Ryan and Ben who helpfully pinch hit for a couple of week. I appreciate the help. Once again I’ve demonstrated that I’m unable to keep up with this article every week for a whole season.

2024 Divisions (OFFICIAL!)

Congratulations to Fransburg for moving up to the Gold from the Silver. Congrats to Holley for moving up to the Silver from the Bronze.

Coaching Awards

Shoutout to Jonathan Marcot for being our scoring leader this year. Culver City averaged a hefty 170.8 ppg this year. Adam and Josh finished a distant second and third, with 157.8 and 157.6 ppg. That was like when Adam finished just ahead of Josh in high school, outscoring him by something like two hundredths of a point on the old GPA. Unsurprisingly, both went on to be titans of the fantasy football industry.

Props to Ryan Lindsay for being the unluckiest owner this year, giving up a 159.1 ppg, far outpacing the Lumberjacks, who gave up 154.8 ppg.

In week 6, Jonathan Marcot set the high score of the season with 233.58 points, good for third all-time.

For as terrible as the GIMB were this year, it was actually the Bestine Banthas who put up the lowest score of the season with 93.36 points in week 6. They also posted the second-lowest score with 95.31 points in week 1.

Coaching efficiency isn’t a stat that I put a lot of stock into, because if you have a really good team (with a really good bench) then sometimes your bench players will blow up and you’ll look to be inefficient. If you have a terrible bench then you should generally have a pretty high efficiency score. That being said, all efficiency scores ranged from 83.4% to 78.8%. All but the GIMB, that is, who finished with a 73.7% efficiency rating, far outside the norm. Matt Matuszak proved that you can set yourself apart with your unwavering confidence in Aaron Jones’s ability to overcome injuries and play in the game. Only NPCs read injury reports.

The learning curve is steep in this league. Matt could just ask his brother, who’s finally put it all together after about a decade of faffing about. He’s earned a…

First Round Bye

After two straight years of finishing 7-7, the Oregon Dream Team shocked the world and won the Gold Division with an 11-3 record. They’ll sit home and drink their cocoa while the plebians of the world play their little Saturday games.

After two straight years of finishing 10-4, the Batavia Colliders shocked nobody by finishing…10-4. They hope to see improved health from Trevor Lawrence and Justin Jefferson, who’s chilled on IR for most of the season.

#6 Holley (9-5) @ #3 Marshfield (11-3)

Look who else finished 11-3 thanks in part to the second fewest points allowed. PAPER TIGER? To be fair, though, the Holley Hawks had the first fewest points allowed. So these teams look to appease their powerful fantasy gods once again in order to short circuit the other team’s scoring.

Did these teams play already this season? You bet your ass they did. In Week 3 the Lucky Pirates got a win while only scoring 134 points. They won handily because the Hawks only scored 103 for some reason.

Things are different now. The Pirates traded for Justin Herbert to give them a boost at quarterback. He did just that, but now he’s out for the season. That means the Pirates have to return to letting Russell Wilson “cook” even though his dishes lack imagination these days.

The Hawks drafted an amazing quarterback in CJ Stroud but he is concussed. If he can’t play this week then they will turn to…shit, nobody else is on the roster! They’ll likely have to pick up Davis Mills or some shit. I’d rather have Russell Wilson! Let’s send thoughts and prayers CJ’s way so we have a decent first round matchup.

If the Hawks have a chance in this one, then Coach Jeppsen needs to get his head in the game. Last week he lost because he accidentally started Dalvin Cook instead of James Cook. That’s a GIMB-like move that won’t fly in the playoffs with the big boys.

I’m not predicting a winner here because in all likelihood I won’t write an article next week. But I do think the Hawks can hang with the Pirates so an upset wouldn’t surprise me.

#5 Culver City (9-5) @ #4 Fransburg (10-4)

Imagine leading the league in scoring by a wide margin and getting the #5 seed. That’s where the Krakens find themselves, which is karma for the time they made the playoffs as the #3 seed despite being 5-8. They won it all that year. The following year they made it to the title game as a 5-9 number 2 seed. Ridiculous. I shed no tears for Mr. Five-Seed Man.

The Krakens spent upwards of $3 on oft-injured Raheem Mostert this summer, and Mostert has repaid that generosity with a career year. That dude already has 18 touchdowns on the season, which leads the league so far (McCaffrey is one behind.) Their stellar pick of Sam LaPorta also makes them tough to beat.

Fransburg is no slouch either. Their inspired pickup of Kyren Williams has paid off, and their trade for Javonte Williams finally paid off with Williams scoring his first touchdown in one million years last week. Like the Krakens, the strength of their team is at wide receiver. Like Mostert, Tyreek Hill is having a career year.

These teams draw an unfortunate matchup against each other this week, because both of them could mop the floor with the teams in the other matchup. We’ll see what happens.

Most Futile Franchise

The Tooz Town GIMB and Madtown Marauders earn well-deserved byes in the loser bracket for losers who advance by losing. The GIMB are the heavy favorite to defend their title as the Most Futile Franchise, but don’t count the Marauders out who “won” in 2021.

The Cleveland Battery scored 164 points in week 14, good enough to beat every team except the Colliders, the team they were playing. It’s so unfair! Anyway, they are likely to dominate the overmatched Linn County Lumberjacks and bow out for the season. Cleveland unloaded a bunch of assets and then weirdly started winning a lot. They’ve added an extra 3rd rounder, 4th rounder, and three extra 5th rounders to next year’s draft class. Word on the street is that it will be a very good draft class, so while the Battery may not have had the outcome they desired this year, they should be set up pretty well next year.

The North Point Chitons take on the Bestine Banthas on the other side of the ledger. Whichever team loses their way to next round should have no problem dispatching whatever opponent waits for them. It would be a little funny if the Chitons went from first to worst but the GIMB will not let that happen.

In Closing

The holiday shopping season is upon us, and while my children have mostly aged out of the fad toys that are impossible to get, their tastes have leveled up. Now they’re asking for things like laptops. SMDH. Every year I tell myself I’m going to start earlier and here we are – most of the links the kids have provided will not ship by Christmas. It’s enough to make a guy quit capitalism altogether and explore the true meaning of Christmas.

We persevere, however, and the older kids would have no qualms about receiving straight cash, homey.

This week is weird in terms of NFL schedule. We’ve got the Herbert-less Chargers against the Garappolo-less Raiders (who famously scored 0 points last week) on Thursday. What a barn burner!

Then we’ve randomly got three games on Saturday. Then the rest of the games are played out per usual on Sunday and Monday. If you like to live dangerously with getting your lineup in, I suggest you open a new tab right now and set one. You don’t want to be the boner that loses in the playoffs because you’re not able to submit a lineup in time. God, if you do that, I swear I’ll force a vote to kick you out of the league. Have some self-respect.

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2023, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.