2024 Week 4 Preview

Winners

Fransburg (3-0), Oregon (2-1), Marshfield (3-0), Cleveland (1-2), Linn County (3-0), Tooz Town (2-1)

Break up the Lumberjacks!

Prediction Record

Last Week: 5-1
Overall: 11-7

Pretty rad that the only game I picked incorrectly was my game. Eat shit Jauan Jennings! Only buttfaces put three vowels in a row in their names!

2025 Divisions (if they were made today)

Batavia is hanging with the Gold scoring-wise despite being 1-2. They have to be happy about Dingle being in the division this year to serve as the sacrificial last place team not making the playoffs.

Week 4 Matchups

Greetings from Hurricane Helene! I’m trying to get this bad boy posted before I lose power and internet. Apparently it’s a nightmare scenario for Tallahassee. Hopefully everyone is able to evacuate. We should be okay(ish) in Gainesville but apparently we’re on the “dirty side” of the hurricane this time which might mean we’ll get some tornadoes. Yay!

The upside is that nobody has to work today (and hopefully tomorrow, though UF hasn’t called it yet.) As I’ve mentioned in this column before, not working fucking rules. On to the games!

Marshfield (3-0) @ Fransburg (3-0)

This is a TASTY game featuring undefeated juggernauts. It’s pretty easy to make the argument that Enright has been the most successful owner in this league, but one quirk of history is that he sucks shit against Fransburg! Adam has an 11-4 record against the Pirates. Let’s put that in perspective. The Pirates are 140-75 overall, and have a winning record against every other team.

The Pirates have Saquon Barkley, who is playing at a very high level. The (r)EvoLUtion have Kyren Williams, a player the 49ers refused to tackle last week. But it’s the other backs who have given the Rev a boost: Zach Charbonnet has been magical filling in for Kenneth Walker and James Cook has finally become the pro-bowl caliber running back the Hawks were hoping for when they drafted him – right after they traded him, obviously.

Listen guys, this one is tough to call. But since the Chiefs are playing the Chargers I’m going to assume that Travis Kelce gets his head out of his ass and finally does something for Fransburg.

Batavia (1-2) @ Cleveland (1-2)

This is a battle of twice-defeated juggernauts! The Colliders and Battery have been jockeying for that coveted fourth Gold Division spot, so this game could have HUGE early season implications. I’M HYPING IT UP LIKE I’M TRYING TO SELL SOME THURSDAY NIGHT AFC SOUTH MATCHUP. But if you want to talk about one-sided rivalries, the Colliders are 16-4 against the Battery. Hey Ben, you don’t have to keep thanking me for letting you in the league. You can go ahead and try to win now. It’s been years.

The Colliders have been extremely inefficient in choosing their starting lineup and it cost them two games already. To paraphrase Dennis Green, Jameson Williams is who I thought he was. The minute I put him in the starting lineup he scored less than one point. Have I learned my lesson? No, not really. I’m putting him in the starting lineup again to spite my asshole running backs D’Andre Swift and Rachaad White. I can’t believe that White got punked by Bucky Irving. Bucky. B-U-C-K-Y.

Fuck that guy.

Cleveland has been hanging in games and was on the wrong side of a an extremely close one. They are dangerous with Josh Allen in the lineup. The Battery are rewarding Blake Corum’s 0-point effort last week with a fantasy start. Am I missing something here? Is Kyren Williams dead? I kind of blacked out at the end of that Niners game last week. Ah well, this is looking like another get-right game for the Colliders (Thanks Dingle!) as the Battery don’t have a lot of “juice” left after Josh Allen. (Get it? God, I’m clever.)

Madtown (0-3) @ Oregon (2-1)

Justin Herbert might not go for Madtown, which means they have to start backup QB Sam Howell or pay $17 to start Brock Purdy, who is holding out. Rome Odunze had a breakout game last week, and Breece Hall has been chugging along, but what does Madtown have beyond that? NOTHING!

Oregon got scoring from unexpected places last week. I don’t think they can count on 34 points from Jauan Jennings (I’m over it, I swear) this week, but it looks like Bucky Irving is set to take over the Tampa backfield. I wonder if the Tampa game will even be played on Sunday. Hurricane Helene should disrupt Philly’s travel plans in the very least.

Anyway, Madtown looks a little snakebit so far, so I’m going to go with the Dream Team pulling this out.

Tooz Town (2-1) @ Holley (2-1)

Holley weirdly traded James Cook for a washed Javonte Williams who has been playing like absolute garbage. They desperately need Kenneth Walker to come back. CJ Stroud has been okay but he’s being outplayed by Daniel Jones of all people, with Bo Nix right behind him. Come on Stroud, you’re better than this.

The Hawks are a little desperate and to that end they signed potential 3-man platoon player Kareem Hunt for $49. I don’t begrudge the price. If you’ve got the money, spend it. I just don’t imagine Hunt can do anything for them.

The GIMB counter with Dakota Ann Prescott, who heard me call him out and responded with a 23-point game (mostly garbage time insane almost comeback stuff.) I can’t believe the Cowboys recovered an onside kick in that game. That should never happen. Regardless, the Cowboys were true to form and didn’t actually win.

I think MHJ and Derrick Henry do just enough and the GIMB win again (gross.)

North Point (0-3) @ Linn County (3-0)

It’s chaotic that the Lumberjacks named their stadium after a broken image link. I have no idea where that’s supposed to go to or what the real name might be. It’s also chaotic that the ‘Jacks are the best team in the league.

Swindling the (r)EvoLUtion for Achane proved to be a good move, as well as drafting Gibbs. This year’s pick of Malik Nabers has already paid handsomely. But it’s not just young talent playing well. Amari Cooper went off for 21 points last week and Kamara has been playing lights out football. Mike Evans has come back to Earth however, ceding ground to North Point’s Chris Godwin, who scored a touchdown in his third consecutive game.

North Point starts Jayden Daniels this week, who had an amazing week 3 (on the bench.) It looks like he’s pretty good, though. You know who’s not good? Tony Pollard. That em-effer is stealing $47 from Tom as we speak.

No reason for Linn County to mess this up. Look for them to be 4-0.

Dingle (0-3) @ Bestine (1-2)

James Conner and JK Dobbins immediately sucked after I highlighted them last week. However, Joseph Burrow continues to improve, which is nice, since Caleb Williams is being consumed by the Bears’s QB curse. Speaking of poor quarterback play, the Blow-Ins Patrick Mahomes had the best game of the season – and it was only 13 points. With the rest of the roster looking like absolute dogshit, team DBI needs at least 20 a game from Mahomes.

The Banthas aren’t, what’s the word? Oh, “good.” But they have enough on their roster to pull out a 118-109 win against the Blow-Ins.

In Conclusion

I’m not sure what’s going on with the 49ers but I don’t like it. Kyle Shanahan treated the Rams game like the Super Bowl and blew a big lead. What’s with Jake Moody? Why does he suck when it matters? What’s with the officials also sucking? Vibes are off, man.

Do you have a favorite team? Do they also suck? Are any teams even good?

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2024, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.