2024 Week 5 Preview

Winners

Oregon (3-1), Batavia (2-2), Marshfield (4-0), Linn County (4-0), Tooz Town (3-1), Bestine (2-2)

Prediction Record

Last Week: 5-1
Overall: 16-8

Sadly, predicting games from a random fantasy football league does not translate into money for me.

2025 Divisions (if they were made today)

No movement in week 4. The Colliders improved their all-play record by scoring the most points. There was symmetry in being paired up with the team that scored the fewest points (of the season). The Collidlers basically doubled up the hapless Cleveland Battery, who have not recovered from their devastating 0.6 point loss in week one.

Week 5 Matchups

We got hit by Hurricane Helene and lost power. Ironically, it wasn’t because of this tree that fell down on my street, wrapped in power lines, as our electricity returned before the tree was dealt with. It did trap us in our cul-de-sac for a couple of days. I had to make expired instant coffee by boiling water in a pan on my propane grill. Still, that coffee was better than not having coffee.

Many big tree limbs fell in our back yard but miraculously just missed the house. We’re still trying to get a tree guy to come take it the rest of the way down, but they are strangely very busy at the moment. I don’t have a chainsaw big enough to deal with it myself and I don’t trust myself to not be killed by falling limbs. Terrible way to go out.

We didn’t have power for about 24 hours, which was inconvenient for sure, but obviously pales in comparison to what a lot of people are going through (still.) Some of our local friends didn’t have power for about a week, so we hosted them when they were tired of being hot and/or wanted a shower. I could totally see society crumbling into chaos if the power was out for long enough.

Now we have a new storm coming, Hurricane Milton, predicted to be a Category 2 (Helene was a Category 4.) My homeowner’s insurance renewal rate jumped up to $11,300. For reference, it was $2,800 when we moved into our home four year ago. This is not sustainable.

If anyone tries to tell you Florida is affordable because there’s no state income tax, tell them they are full of shit. They get you other ways.

I did have power and internet in time for the games last week, though, so that was good. On to this week’s matchups!

Linn County (4-0) @ Oregon (3-1)

We’ve got a marquee matchup here between some Oregon guys. The Lumberjacks and Dream Team spent many a year battling it out in the Bronze Division but both teams are on the rise. The Lions bye week is hitting the Lumberjacks pretty hard as they’ll be without 100% completion rate Jared Goff, Jahmyr Gibbs, and Aidan Hutchinson.

Meanwhile the Dream Team got a monster Thursday night game out of Drake London, who does that sometimes. Bucky Irving didn’t help much, though, so the Lumberjacks aren’t down for the count yet.

Jauan Jennings came back to Earth last week, so I don’t think we’ll be seeing any more 34-point games out of him. That was just a special treat for the Colliders. Given that Mike Evans nearly matched Drake London, and that P-Diddy acolyte Deshaun Watson will have any passing success canceled out by the ‘Jacks Amari Cooper being on the receiving end of it, I’m picking the Lumberjacks to go 5-0!

Holley (2-2) @ Fransburg (3-1)

Fransburg let me down last week as the only incorrect prediction. Travis Kelce did have his best game of the season but it was still single digit points. The Chiefs suck and they are only winning because the referees have determined that they must.

The fun part of this game is that Kenneth Walker is back for the Hawks (28 points last week!) rendering the (r)EvoLUtion’s Charbonnet utterly useless. But not to worry, Fransburg will be starting another Seahawks backup in Jaxon Smith-Njigba. The Hawks are also starting Kareem Hunt, a man they’ve stood by since drafting him, even though he’s someone who likes to punch women. Don’t worry, Andy Reid thinks Hunt has “grown up“, but Reid’s baseline is, “Did you give a five-year-old a debilitating and life-altering traumatic brain injury with your car because you were blackout drunk?” Hunt is already a better citizen than Reid’s own kid.

Fransburg got 10 points out their kicker, and that’s with him missing two field goals. I feel like the die is cast, and Holley won’t be able to recover from that excellent special teams play. Plus, Kareem Hunt will likely face karmic justice like Rashee Rice did, so I don’t expect him to finish the game. The universe is done with Kansas City even if the refs haven’t caught up yet. Fransburg wins (yeah yeah you’ve heard that one before.)

Bestine (2-2) @ Cleveland (1-3)

Josh Allen has a pattern where he scores 25 points, then like 6, then 25 again. This week he’s set to have another 25-point game, so Cleveland’s got a chance. He’s facing his old teammate, Stefon Diggs, both in real life and in the more important fantasy arena. Stefon Diggs is all like, “I’ll show him, they’re nothing without me,” and Josh Allen is all like, “I’ll show him by throwing touchdown passes to guys named Mack Hollins.”

So far Allen only has 7 TD passes through 4 games, but Diggs is only the second best receiver on the Texans. A pox on both their houses is what I’m saying.

I think Cleveland is going to win because the Banthas are starting Joe Mixon who has already been ruled out. Bestine? More like Worstine amirite?

Batavia (2-2) @ Marshfield (4-0)

The Lions bye also hits the Colliders hard, who will be without St. Brown, Jamo, and safety Brian Branch, who was playing insanely inspired football before he brained himself making a tackle. They are forced to start D’Andre Swift, who had a great game from the comfort of the bench last week. Look for him to once again wilt under the pressure of having his points count.

Brian Thomas has been a nice little player so far, and Sam Darnold has gotten better each week. The Colliders got lucky there, but he faces a tough test against the Jets, ranked number two against quarterbacks.

The opportunistic Pirates start Jordan Mason and Trey Sermon, who are both filling in for superstar running backs that are hurt. Mason has the juice but I’ll be livid if Trey Sermon does anything. Sermon starts for the Colts, but the good news for Batavia fans is that Anthony Richardson is unlikely to start, which means more points for Michael Pittman, since Richardson (injury rating: 37) hates throwing to him.

My heart wants to pick the Colliders here, but reality says that nothing good can ever happen while I’m in Florida. Pirates win.

Madtown (0-4) @ North Point (0-4)

Haha, together these teams have had 8 chances to win and have failed to do so every single time. Not so this week. Given that we’ve never had a tie in the Immersion, one of these teams is going to come away smiling, or maybe wry-grimacing.

North Point dropped $72 on Christian McCaffrey and bro hasn’t suited up yet. It kind of feels like he might not ever do so again this year. On the other hand, Jayden Daniels has been a nice surprise. It’s jarring to see a competent Washington team. Poor Tress Way doesn’t even get to play anymore.

The Chitons are starting Antonio Gibson right in the Rhamondre-having Marauders’ eye. It will be (boring) to see both Patriots running backs fail in tandem. And while Madtown gets to start the Red Rocket at QB, any passes to Xavier Legette will benefit the Chitons more.

This game will suck, but it will suck more for Madtown. The Chitons will win on the Golden Arm of Jayden Daniels.

Dingle (0-4) @ Tooz Town (3-1)

Sometimes I wish I had the first pick in the draft so I could get a generational talent like Marvin Harrison, Jr, son of Marvin Harrison Sr, who may have gotten away with trying to murder a guy. After posting a clunker in week 1, he’s been a beast. That makes up for the disappointing career of Bijan Robinson. But hey, at least Bijan played on Thursday. The Blow-Ins are making like the Banthas in starting a running back who has already been ruled out (Zamir White.)

Dingle’s got nothing, and the GIMB have a good enough team to benefit from a cupcake schedule so far. But hey, they’ve got nothing to apologize for. They didn’t make the schedule. AI did.

I’m not sure when (if) Dingle will win, but it won’t be this week.

In Conclusion

I’ve been trying to write this article for days but the wife has Covid (weak) and my kids keep wanting to “eat” and “go places.” Today I had to spend the day at school with my 9th grader to help build the set for the Alice In Wonderland performance. We had to build this 12-foot table. It had to be sturdy enough for kids to crawl/walk on but also light enough for kids to move backstage between scenes. The director was like, here we can use these panels that are made of the veneer cardboard type of wood you nail to the back of an IKEA book case.

So, yeah, LOL, that wasn’t going to work if the kid weighed more than 20 lbs. We thought we had a great solution by designing and crafting 8 leg supports that could be moved separately from the table tops, since we had to reinforce the “tables” to support the weight of a kid. That way you could lean the table tops against the wall backstage and they wouldn’t take up so much space. After spending all day building the system the director said she wanted the legs attached. So now the tables weigh about a million pounds. But they can support the weight of a kid. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ll admit it was pretty fun to cut it up with the other dad types while using power tools. Seems like the perfect segue into NFL Sunday, the only other Board Certified vehicle for male bonding.

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2024, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.