‘Chutes Blow Load in Free Agency

DOWNSTATE – As the 2016 free agency period draws to a close, Downstate Cornchutes management again has proven a team-building strategy that could, at best, be considered blundering. Although management likely intended to improve the team, after last year’s humiliating loss in the Immersion Championship Game™, they responded with a series of inexplicable moves that likely hastened the team toward its inevitable rebuilding year in 2017.

Restricted free-agency hit the ‘Chutes salary cap particularly hard this year, after spending $61 and $50 on Le’Veon Bell and DeAndre Hopkins, respectively. When asked why he was willing to pay a third of his team’s salary cap on two players, GM Jonathan Marcot responded that he thought the prices were in Bitcoin, instead of dollars, which he followed up by stating that he had no idea how much a bitcoin was worth. Marcot then let TE Travis Kelce go to the Bestine Banthas for a third round pick. Marcot explained this move by rhetorically asking, “He wasn’t worth it. Do you know how many players I could get for $13? A lot.” The situation has since worsened as Bell was suspended four games to start the season for missing mandatory drug testing, which Bell explained he simply forgot while he was “kicking back with Mary Jane,” presumably his sister. The ‘Chutes management has appealed the suspension, and even sent a formal request to league offices asking if they could just suspend some other player instead, but no response had been received by press time.

The ‘Chutes fared no better in unrestricted free-agency. Marcot met the challenge of some glaring holes in the roster, and a paltry $40 in cap room, by bidding on a baffling cadre of players, few of which are likely to contribute this season. The ‘Chutes added three defensive ends to the two they already had on their roster. When asked why the team needed five DEs, Marcot clarified that they intended to see if at least two of them could be moved to offense to play tight end, because it was likely that the newly-signed TE Eric Ebron would be moved to defensive end, as well. Also puzzling is the signing of DT Brandon Williams, who shares the same bye-week as current stalwart DT Aaron Donald. Marcot attempted to justify the signing, saying that he expected both DTs to score so many points every week in the the team’s new two-DT defense, that they could just coast through without at DT during their bye week.

Perhaps most disconcerting to ‘Chutes fans going forward is the remaining salary cap room available of only $3.49. When asked how the team expected to sign any of their selections in the upcoming draft, Marcot mumbled incoherently, as he glanced through his prepared remarks for an awkward duration, before finally asking, “Wasn’t the draft last year?” Other sources in the team’s front office have suggested a KickStarter campaign to raise money for the rookies, but League Commissioner Josh “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful” Hammond dismissed this idea, saying, “That’s not how it works, [expletive deleted].”

Despite the past failures, ongoing management problems, and lack of any plan for the future, confidence in the team remained at an all-time high. “We’re still the best team in DownState Illinois,” Marcot opined. Even Chitons owner Tom Rothfus would have to agree with that.

© 2016, Jonathan Marcot. All rights reserved.