2024 Week 2 Preview

Winners

Fransburg (1-0), Oregon (1-0), Marshfield (1-0), Holley (1-0), Linn County (1-0), Bestine (1-0)

Marshfield edged Cleveland by 1.25 points in a high scoring affair.

Prediction Record

Last Week: 3-3
Overall: 3-3

I was wrong half the time. But that other half? Right as rain, brother.

2025 Divisions (if they were made today)

It’s looking like Dingle might need a couple of seasons to dig out of the hole their previous owner left them in.

Week 2 Matchups

For those of you who aren’t in the know, I work for the University of Florida’s Lab School. Because of that, I’m able to get discounted tickets to some (less-than-marquee) Florida Gator football games. This year we got the Samford Bulldogs. I just googled them. They are from Alabama.

The Gators got curb stomped in week one by Miami, but I figured Samford wouldn’t pose much of a problem. But in the first half, the Gators had first and goal like 4 times and only came away with 1 touchdown. At halftime they were only up 14-0.

My 9yo was tired and cranky so we left after halftime, ensuring that we would miss anything cool. Fast forward to the end of the game and the Gators won 45-7, with us missing most of the action. It was probably for the best. It was 90º with 99% humidity at 9:00 PM, which is just unreasonable if you ask me.

I also scored tickets for this week against Texas A&M, so I assume they’ll go back to getting curb stomped.

The older daughters liked the vibes even if they didn’t know much about what was happening.

Oregon (1-0) @ Fransburg (1-0)

A clash of undefeated titans! Oregon has a healthy (for now) Anthony Richardson and Fransburg has a questionable Lamar Jackson. Hopefully the Jackson thing isn’t serious, because that would SERIOUSLY suck if he was out. Currently the Dream Team have Bucky Irving in the lineup because they can’t lay off Oregon Ducks. You don’t see me starting any Florida Men, Tim!

Fransburg scored a lot of points last week, but you have to admit they got pretty lucky with that injury to Josh’s punter. Had he stayed in the game the records might look very different.

Ladd McConkey is starting again, so that’s enough to make me give this one to the Oregon Dream Team.

Dingle (0-1) @ Batavia (0-1)

It’s a battle of the worst teams in football (by record)! Dingle can expect more from Patrick Mahomes this week, especially as he’s going against the Colliders, who, like the 49ers, can’t stop him. Regardless, they don’t have the depth that Batavia has. The Colliders are great candidates to league the lead in bench scoring this year. Hey, maybe we should change the scoring to best ball (this year only.)

Remember how Will Levis ended the game with 3 straight turnovers? That’s so Trevor Lawrence-coded. The Batavia fans have severe PTSD. They need to address the quarterback position ASAP, because even Bryce Young outscored Levis. What a disaster.

But the schedule gods are in Batavia’s favor, as Jim “No Wins” Lawson comes to town. The Colliders should pull this one out even if Josh starts all the wrong guys (likely.)

Holley (1-0) @ Cleveland (0-1)

An undefeated juggernaut takes on a hapless winless squad! The Cleveland Battery are paying something like $3,000 a season to Josh Allen, and he looked like a big joker for the first part of his game against the Cardinals. But then the Cardinals had to Cardinal and Allen led a big comeback, scoring 26.52 points in the process with new receivers. Maybe he’s better than I thought. New Stefon Diggs seemed fine.

The Hawks left a ton of scoring on the bench in their meager victory, but it looks like the firepower is there. CJ Stroud proved he’s here to stay. Javonte Williams proved he’s washed. Overall, the Hawks look promising.

But this week? This week I’ll go with my man Ben Pershey and his Cleveland squad.

North Point (0-1) @ Marshfield (1-0)

An undefeated juggernaut takes on a hapless winless squad! Marshfield was the second highest scoring team in the league next week. What else is new? It pains me to say it, but Enright brings the heat every season. North Point, on the other hand, has turnover prone Jalen Hurts back in the fold. Jalen Hurts his Team, more like. Anyway, without 15 tush-push touchdowns, Hurts will prove to be a middle-of-the-pack also ran quarterback (still better than Levis though.) Jason Kelce has retired and somehow become omnipresent (derogatory) and the Eagles have Barkley, so Hurts’s days of bullshit touchdowns are over! Haha, suck it Tom!

The Chitons do have Chris Godwin going for them, the roster casualty that was shipped to North Point for a pack of Skittles. He scored 15.75 points, obviously, while the Colliders’s $73 Amon-Ra ate shit. COOL STUFF, EVERYONE. The Collider’s front office is looking a lot like the Giants front office in how they are bumbling personnel decisions.

Marshfield probably won’t get 29 out of Barkley every week, but they have a chance to start Jordan Mason this week and he could get them a fair amount of points in relief of Christian McCaffrey. Do you know who paid $72 to watch McCaffrey hang out on the sideline, by the way? That’s right, the Chitons. C-Mac didn’t even have the decency to declare himself out before the Monday night kickoff, so he clogged the Chitons starting lineup with a goose egg. I would laugh at Tom, but that’s just brutal.

Marshfield will likely start Jordan Mason right in Tom’s Not-Having-McCaffrey-Available Eye, so look for the Pirates to win again.

Bestine (1-0) @ Tooz Town (0-1)

An undefeated juggernaut takes on a hapless winless squad! Joe Mixon (now with the Texans) treated the Colts like one of his girlfriends, beating them down for 19.40 points. Joe Mixon is a bad person, but Bestine owner Ryan Lindsay will win by any means necessary (it should be noted that the Colliders tried this strategy with Mixon but he sucked right up until he ran out of contract with them.)

Tooz Town have the potential for some promising RB play with Henry, Jacobs, and Bijan, but they all underperformed last week. SURELY that won’t happen every week. SURELY Marvin Harrison Jr will be better than one catch for 4 yards. SURELY. The GIMB defense came to play, so if their offense gets their collective heads out of their collective asses then they should be fine.

Yes, Josh, I hear you saying, but what of this game? Why the long term projections. Fair enough, faithful reader. The GIMB might be decent someday, but it won’t be this week. BESTINE for the win, baby!

Madtown (0-1) @ Linn County (1-0)

An undefeated juggernaut takes on a hapless winless squad! I totally predicted Cooper Kupp being good but it wasn’t enough for Madtown. Their two defensive ends combined for 1 American point! Mean Patrick Queen only had 2 points. And it wasn’t just the defense that mailed it in. Brandon Aiyuk got paid and stopped caring. Sad!

Meanwhile, (I cannot believe I’m typing this sentence), the Linn County Lumberjacks were the highest scoring team in the league! Young Studs and Old Reliables all contributed to the cause. Hell, even Kyle Pitts scored a touchdown (Go Gators!) All of this with mediocre quarterback play. Jared Goff will likely have better games should he continue to start. THE SKY’S THE LIMIT FOR THE ‘JACKS.

What about Badtown? Things were going okay until Etienne fumbled on his way into the end zone. AN 8-POINT SWING IN SCORING. That’s not fun. Better to never watch football than to watch that happen. Still, they looked pretty decent on balance. They could surely win against perennial lottery team Linn County.

(Extreme Stephen A. Smith Voice) BUT! They don’t have the mental FORTITUDE to handle the new look Lumberjacks, who will CHOP THEM TO PIECES.

In Closing

I was understandably upset to lose to that clown Adam in week one. Guy didn’t even have a draft pick this year. I got to thinking, “I always lose in week one.” But like most sports, I’m now driven by data, so I actually looked it up. Turns out I’m 9-6 in season openers, so my feeling was LOSER TALK. One fun fact I learned was that I opened with the Cleveland Battery 7 times (I’m 5-2 in those games.)

I mean, given my incredible fantasy football record it stands to reason that I’d also have a winning week one record. Time to be more intentional about following the data.

Which is why I’m starting no quarterback this week instead of Will Levis.

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2024, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.