2023 Week 2 Preview

Winners

Oregon (1-0), Batavia (1-0), Fransburg (1-0), Marshfield (1-0), Holley (1-0), Tooz Town (1-0)

Impressive wins for Tooz Town and Holley as they turn the page and declare they might be for real.

Prediction Record

Last Week: 4-2

Overall: 4-2 (0.667)

Not a terrible start given the volatility of week one. Hopefully we’ll have a “team” overall record, as other people besides me get in on the pointless fun of predicting games. Want to write a weekly preview? Sign up here!

2024 Divisions (If they were made today)

Bestine laid an absolute egg, scoring less than 100 points. Joe Burrow and Tee Higgins combined for 2.82 points, with Burrow scoring 100% of those combined points.

Week 2 Matchups

You probably heard me throw a temper tantrum about losing the Week 1 file because of WordPress nonsense. Let’s just remember that it was one of the finest pieces of literature ever written. Thanks to Jason for trying to find a cached version, and thanks to others for offering words of support. Obviously it meant something to me, because I’m trying to revive the column after my initial frustration. I’m glad people like to read it. And I’m super excited to read what some of you bring to the column. Ryan Lindsey is already signed up for Week 8 and others have indicated (soft verbal commitment) they might help out as well.

This week has been wild as I developed an ear infection like a child might. Of course, the antibiotics aren’t working so I can only assume it’s one of those fatal fungus infections the CDC is raising alarms about. It was neat to read how the first one happened in Japan and presented as…an ear infection.

We also had two x-rays in the family, as the 8yo fell off the monkey bars at school and broke her wrist. Then the dog started limping around, unable to put weight on her back leg. The x-ray came back negative for the dog, they gave her pain meds, and now she’s jumping around like an asshole. Thanks dog. Thanks for making me spend $300 for nothing. Three hundred dollars is 75% of the way to NFL Sunday Ticket.

I did get Redzone through the NFL+ app, which was wild. I was thinking I would grade papers while I watched football, but the Redzone channel is intense. Instead I just stared at the TV for three hours. It was great (for me) but I did feel that I was getting silently judged by my family. In the immortal words of Bob Belcher:

Just let me have this one thing, okay? I’m the only one that picks up after myself so I think I should get a chance to watch football on Sundays. ALL REASONABLE PEOPLE AGREE.

Marshfield (1-0) @ Tooz Town (1-0)

Tooz Town has never defeated Marshfield. That’s not surprising given Matt Matuszak is a newish owner and Jason Enright is a 5-time champion. But I think this might be the year that changes. Despite the (lucky) win, Marshfield’s roster looks a little grim. Meanwhile, the GIMB seem to have figured some things out. It doesn’t hurt that they got the first pick in the draft, picked up Bijan Robinson, and that Bijan looks the part.

The GIMB won last week despite starting their worst quarterback in Dak Prescott. To be fair, Dak didn’t have to do much as the Cowboys defense decided to punt the Giants offense into orbit. This week Jordan Love gets the start, and the question will be answered: Is Jordan Love good, or are the Bears just incredibly bad? I think the answer lies somewhere in between but Love should be good for double digit points.

The GIMB gladly paid $36 for WR Calvin Ridley in the auction and despite that man being out of football for two years he came to play, with 8 catches, 101 yards, and a touchdown. Trevor Lawrence loves him so much that the Batavia Colliders sent Christian Kirk to the Oregon Dream Team for a 5th rounder.

Tooz Town also got a lot of scoring from Aaron Jones, but he pulled up lame on a touchdown reception and is in danger of not playing. With Zack Moss already in the lineup (bleh), a Jones injury would be pretty hard fo the GIMB to overcome.

But Josh, what about Marshfield? Well, they’ve also got a dead-and-forgotten-about wide receiver making a comeback. Michael Thomas looked pretty good in week one, and he might reward Enright for all the dead money they paid him lo these many years. One would expect Saquon Barkley to bounce back so it’s possible they could pull out a win.

That being said, I like the GIMB and their amazing linebacker duo of Zaire Franklin and Bobby Wagner. Those guys are ballers and the Pirates will not overcome the onslaught.

Batavia (1-0) @ Madtown (0-1)

Justin Jefferson already has a fumble lost in this matchup and has far fewer points than random Minnesota defensive tackle Harrison Phillips. If I’m Giorgianni I’m delighted that my defensive tackle outscored the best player in football.

The Colliders seem to be in a bit of trouble as Ekeler hasn’t been practicing. If he’s out, their best hope is that Aaron Jones is also out, forcing the Packers to play AJ Dillon. Hammond wasn’t able to replace Facade White with Kenneth Gainwell like he hoped, and while Gainwell was out D’Andre Swift ran for 175 yards which means he’s probably going to command the backfield for a while. All of this is to say that behind McCaffrey and Ekeler, who are great, is a cavalcade of bums.

We’re two games in and Jefferson doesn’t have a touchdown, so the Colliders need Trevor Lawrence to take that next step and be a 20-point quarterback instead of a 13-point quarterback. They have a tough matchup against the Chiefs and I’m just asking this: Trevor, if you must fumble, let Nick Bolton pick it up. If you must throw interceptions, throw them to Trent McDuffie.

Madtown is rolling out some good running backs with Etienne, Breece Hall, and Joe Mixon. They all have big game potential. The receivers are less exciting: Gabriel Davis and Robert Woods. Madtown is running the deadly two-TE set of Jake Ferguson and Hayden Hurst.

On defense both teams are rolling with the upside of the 3-DE set. Sam Hubbard plays against the Colliders, the only team he’s ever known up to this point.

This game is going to be close, especially with the DT explosion we saw in Madtown. Still, let’s hope and say the Colliders win a squeaker.

Cleveland (0-1) @ Fransburg (1-0)

Fransburg got the win despite not starting Brandon Aiyuk who looked like a beast catching two touchdown passes. He blocked a defender straight to hell on the Christian McCaffrey touchdown run of 65 yards. It’s safe to say he’s in the lineup this week, with the other very capable receivers of Ja’Marr Chase, Tyreek Hill, and Garrett Wilson.

Fransburg’s RB situation is a little less stellar as they trot out Gus Edwards and Khalil Herbert. At least their tight end, Dallas Go Eat Dirt, decided to get on the scoresheet this week with a 5-point performance.

The Battery lost last week but that was mostly due to Josh Allen eating absolute shit. $48 worth of shit. One would expect him to be better this week. With Rhamondre Stevenson and Brian Robinson being pleasant surprises last week, the Battery look to field a pretty decent squad. DeVonta Smith has already been lighting it up this year, and he’s on the board in week 2 with 16 points. They also have the sure-handed Davante Adams and the corpse of DeAndre Hopkins. Hopkins is questionable, but if he plays he gets the 32nd ranked Chargers pass defense. Remember what the Dolphins did to them last week? That was awesome (if you own Tyreek Hill.)

This one is really hard to call, but I’m going to go with Fransburg because DE Haason Reddick put up a goose egg and only has one assist on the year after putting up 16 sacks last year. HE’S DONE.

Culver City (0-1) @ Bestine (0-1)

There’s no way Joe Burrow and the Bengals are as bad as they looked against Cleveland last week. Look for a rebound there. The Banthas welcome Travis Kelce back into the fold, and every pass he catches will help neutralize the Mahomes effect. They also have Joshua Kelley, who will likely start for the Chargers with Austin Ekeler looking doubtful (BOO HISS.)

Culver City has hero quarterback Patrick Mahomes who seems immune to a bad fantasy outing. Even with Kelce out last week he ran the ball a bunch and scored in the double digits. He will likely make up for lost time and throw for 350 yards with 211 of them going to his bestie tight end.

Unfortunately for the Krakens their lead receiver AJ Brown had a quiet game on Thursday night. But they’ve got plenty of wideout firepower in Zay Flowers, Amon-Ra St. Brown, and Terry McLaurin. Derrick Henry and Miles Sanders are solid running backs and should be able to outscore James Connor and Joshua Kelley.

Let’s give the Krakens a win. I need to see the Banthas score more than 100 points before I believe in them.

Oregon (1-0) @ Linn County (0-1)

Tim Matuszak had a lot to say after his team scored the most points in week 1. He talked up Anthony Richardson, Jake Moody, and Tank Johnson. He used my full biblical name of Joshua. He was fired up!

And he had every right to be. The naysayers naysaid about Tyler Allgeier and that dude scored two touchdowns. Apparently the Falcons are only going to run the ball (sorry Drake London and Kyle Pitts.) Wait a minute, Oregon is the Drake London owner. London put up a goose egg! And he’s starting again!

The Dream Team look good, except for Najee Harris. The good news is that Josh Jacobs should improve, and that Michael Pittman is relevant again. If Anthony Richardson is serviceable as a passer, and elite as a runner, then he is going to be a very good fantasy quarterback.

The Lumberjacks didn’t get what they’d hoped for out of Jahmyr Gibbs in week one, but he flashed elite talent when he was in there. The NFL is not going to be able to hold that guy down for long. If you’re the Lumberjacks you have to be excited about how David Montgomery was used, and you can definitely start both Lions running backs, which they are doing this week. They are subbing out Justin Fields for Geno Smith, which seems like a mistake since Geno Smith is 100% going to regress to old Geno Smith.

This is a classic matchup of the two teams you have to scroll all the way to the bottom to see. The Lumberjacks own a 17-12 record against the Dream Team. In a curious twist, Oregon is benching Anthony Richardson for Deshaun Watson despite the fact Richardson is playing against the Texans. I think that’s a mistake. If Watson proves to be better, we’ll all be treated to an email rant. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say Linn County wins this one because of their QB blunder (and if Oregon wins we’ll get an entertaining screed delivered to our inboxes.)

North Point (0-1) @ Holley (1-0)

The Holley Hawks are doing that annoying thing where they submit a fake lineup before later submitting a real one so that now I have to go to the rosters to see who they will likely be playing.

The strength of the Hawks is their defense, with Josh Allen (not the bum QB, the DE) and Foyesade Oluokon, and Tyson Campbell leading a surprisingly potent Jaguars D. On offense, the Cook brothers underwhelmed, but the wideouts Chris Olave and Courtland Sutton performed well. There may be a quarterback controversy brewing between CJ Stroud (bad) and Daniel Jones (even worse.)

Jalen Hurts scored two rugby touchdowns on Thursday night for the Chitons so he’s already posted 21 for the week. On the flip side, Alexander Mattison continued to look like hot garbage for the Vikings, who foolishly cut RB DeWayne McBride and added him to the practice squad. The Chitons still have Tony Pollard, though, who looks the part of a fantasy MVP.

While I like the Hawks defense, I think the Chitons have too much on offense to overcome. Let’s give North Point their first win.

In Closing

I was buoyed, nay, heartened, by the outpouring of support after my sad WordPress snafu. This league is legit, my dudes. The only thing that would make it more legit is if Jonathan Marcot stopped hoarding the trophy and sent it off to our current champion, Tom Rothfus. If you sold if for meth, just let us know now so we can order a new one. We all know how much Jonathan likes meth.

© 2023, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.