2023 Week 7 Preview

Winners

Oregon (5-1), Culver City (3-3), Cleveland (2-4), Fransburg (5-1), Bestine (3-3), Holley (4-2)

There are no undefeated teams left with both the Colliders and Pirates losing.

Prediction Record

Last Week: 2-4

Overall: 20-16 (0.556)

What are we doing here, folks? I didn’t predict the Colliders game correctly but I did predict that CJ Stroud would throw his first interception of the season.

2024 Divisions (if they were made today)

Imagine being 5-1 and on track to play in the Bronze Division. What kind of luck is Enright having this year? Remarkable.

Week 7 Matchups

We’re in Parent-Teacher Conference season so I am pretty busy these days. In fact, I should probably be putting in report card grades now instead of working on this article. But that’s boring.

I believe I asked you all for money in one of these articles before so that I wouldn’t have to work anymore. So far nobody has stepped up to provide me with a trust fund. Pretty disappointing, tbh.

Speaking of disappointing, how about those Colliders? Any chance we could make it through a game without one our best players getting hurt. Having already lost Mike Williams and Justin Jefferson, the Colliders saw Christian McCaffrey and Trevor Lawrence leave their games early with injuries. Austin Ekeler came back but wasn’t effective. You know who else isn’t effective? The fourth overall pick Quentin Johnston. Even with a bye week to work him into the game plan the Chargers decided (probably rightly) that he sucked and they didn’t make him a part of their plans. I was too cool to take Jordan Addison with the pick because I didn’t want two Vikings wide receivers. Well guess what, I have zero Vikings wide receivers at the moment. Weak.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “why am I reading about the stupid Colliders?” It’s because nobody else signed up to write the article. That’s why. But guess what, fools? I get a break next week as Ryan Lindsay takes over. Hell yeah! I hope his article is as chaotic as his management style.

Marshfield (5-1) @ Fransburg (5-1)

This is a tasty matchup of two highly successful teams. Did you know that historically the Pirates have a winning record against every team, save one? Who’s the one team that has Marshfield’s number? I think you know. Otherwise, why would I bring it up?

It’s the (r)EvoLUtion. They are 9-4 all time against the Pirates.

It’s not just the Colliders that lost players to injury. Fransburg lost their steal of the century, Kyren Williams, to injury. Now they’re rolling with Gus Edwards (more like Bust Edwards, amirite) and Roschon Johnson. Roschon is filling in for the injured/dead Khalil Herbert. He’ll be receiving handoffs from Bilbo Bagent, the Bears backup quarterback. Should be a good time.

The Pirates look much better at running back, with Saquon Barkley coming back to health, Isiah Pacheco, Alvin Kamara, and Jonathan Taylor. Kamara has surprisingly looked the best in his return to game action with three consecutive double digit performances. Jonathan Taylor is working himself back into form but might find it hard to run against the Browns defense this week.

Wide receiver is where the difference will be made. Look at Fransburg with their Aiyuk, Puka, and Tyreek. Ja’Marr Chase is out on the bye, but his spot gets taken by Kyle Pitts, who I forgot the (r)EvoLUtion had. Pitts pairs up with Kelce for the dreaded 2-TE set. Pitts has sucked for most of the year, but has found himself rejuvenated after the trade, scoring his first TD on the season last week.

The (r)EvoLUtion have scored about 132 more points on the season than the Pirates. I think they’ll wind up with a few more than them this week as well.

Culver City (3-3) @ Batavia (5-1)

I don’t love it!

The Ass Krakens come in on a scoring tear and face a hobbled and almost hopeless Colliders squad. Patrick Mahomes should easily triple the score of the gimpy Trevor Lawrence. Safety Andre Cisco left the game early after scoring 1.85 points because of course he did.

The Colliders also paid $5.05 for backup Rams running back Zach Evans. The next highest (and only other) bid was $1.10. Management is in full-on panic mode after the latest spate of injuries. The Colliders are ripe for the picking, and by picking I mean exploiting in trades. Christian McCaffrey’s outlook is pretty grim for this week. Given all of that, you’d have to be a fool to pick the Colliders. Let’s go with the Krakens in a laugher.

North Point (2-4) @ Bestine (3-3)

Has there ever been a team with so many backups that turn into starters? North Point rostered KJ Osborn for some reason and POOF, magically Justin Jefferson got hurt. On July 14, 2023 Tom Rothfus thought to himself, “You know who’d be a good linebacker to have? Terrell Bernard. I’ll pay updwards of $3.00 for him.” Guess what. That fucker is the third highest scoring linebacker.

Last week the Banthas got a much needed win against the hapless Lumberjacks. More like the SLUMBERjacks, amirite? They’re asleep at the wheel!

They paid Zach Ertz big TE bucks so he could catch 2 passes for 22 yards. Wise investment imho. After starting the season with 340+ passing yards in three straight games, “Captain” Kirk Cousins has thrown for 139, 284, and 181 yards. He only scored 6 points against the fucking Bears of all teams, and now he’s facing the 49ers. This might be wish casting, but the 49ers defense may well murder Cousins once and for all. The Banthas are in such dire straits they are starting Chase Claypool. Chase. Claypool. CHASE. CLAYPOOL.

Anyway, the defending chumps are going to win.

Linn County (0-6) @ Tooz Town (1-5)

Two teams will be 1-6 after this game. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. The Lumberjacks are going to win.

Why do I think so? Let’s make a listicle. Haha, listicle. Sounds like testicle.

• Aaron Jones is iffy but he’ll get the start anyway.
• Tooz Town refuses to start Myles Garrett for some reason.
• Calvin Ridley barely eclipsed his jersey number on Thursday night.
• Bijan Robinson has zero (0) rushing touchdowns on the season.
• DK Metcalf is one personal foul away from getting benched.
• Zack Moss went from 25 touches in the first game with Jonathan Taylor back to 13 in the second game. I expect him to get less than ten touches this week.
• The GIMB haven’t won a game since week 1. Their last four point totals are 118.97, 114.40, 112.01, and 97.10.
• I could go on but…

Madtown (1-5) @ Holley (4-2)

Now that they’ve got Cooper Kupp back, and finally decided to put him in the starting lineup after weirdly sitting him for 12 and 18-point performances, I think they have a chance to w-

Foyesade Oluokon: Haha fuck and no.

Cleveland (2-4) @ Oregon (5-1)

I like the quarterback matchup for Cleveland: Josh Allen vs. the Patriots. The Dream Team answer with Gardner Minshew vs. the Browns.

Fuckin’ yikes.

But we’ve been down this road before. Josh Allen is a stat monster that never actually helps his fantasy (or real) team win anything. Jaguars linebacker Devin Lloyd put up 9.50 points for the Dream Team already. Sure, he’s not Foyesade Oluokon, but I would personally accept 9.50 points out of my linebacker. You think Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah is going to do that for Cleveland? As the kids would say: be so for real.

Davante Adams has been playing hurt for the Battery and it shows. Jimmy Garoppolo had his annual injury earlier than usual this season, and Brian “World Destroyer” Hoyer will be the one throwing wounded ducks in Adams’s general direction. I’m not sure it’s going to work out Ben.

Meanwhile, if I’m the Raiders, I’d just be running the ball with Josh Jacobs and/or dumping the ball to Josh Jacobs on short passes. And can you guess who has Josh Jacobs? That’s right, fools, it’s the Oregon Dream Team. That plus Drake London becoming annoyingly relevant has me picking the ODT (yeah you know me) to take over the GOLD division this week.

In Closing Sponsored by Toyota

Okay, the In Closing section does not actually have a corporate sponsor…yet. But if I could choose one, I’d pick Toyota. My 2011 Toyota Sienna is closing in on 200,000 miles and it still runs like a dream. I wish my fantasy football team was as reliable as my minivan, you know what I mean? Of course you do. Minivans rule.

I would wager that I’ll get a minivan even when the kids are grown. Why? Because I might have to haul a bunch of people around. And those people will be hauled around in style. Hell, I might need a piece of drywall. Can an 8-foot piece of drywall fit in my minivan? You bet your ass it can.

And trips to IKEA? Fuggedaboutit.

Anyway, enjoy the games everyone!

© 2023, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.