2023 Week 9 Preview

Winners

Oregon (7-1), Batavia (6-2), Culver City (5-3), Marshfield (6-2), Holley (6-2), Madtown (2-6)

Madtown traded away Justin Herbert and went nuclear somehow.

Prediction Record:

Last Week (Ryan’s week): 2-4

Overall: 28-20 (.583)

Hilarious that the Colliders jinx selection was one of the correct ones.

2024 Divisions (if they were made today)

No changes this week!

Week 9 Matchups

The 49ers are on a 3-game losing streak but I’m pretty excited they traded for Chase Young. They can overcome their deficiencies in the secondary if the opposing quarterbacks have less than two seconds to make the read and deliver the pass. Hoping it works out!

We celebrated Halloween this week. My oldest went trick or treating with her friend in her friend’s neighborhood. My middle child went trick or treating with her friend in her friend’s neighborhood. That left my youngest to trick-or-treat with me.

The number of times I heard, “I found Waldo” or some variation thereof was too many to count. I displayed patience and grace, however, as I was determined to set a good example for my 8-year-old. She had much more stamina than previous years, so we were out there for quite some time. I did not enjoy it as much as I might have, given that it was 88 degrees out. Of course it snowed in my previous hometown so I guess it’s a tradeoff.

I also went on a field trip with my fourth graders to St. Augustine. We did a trolley tour, explored the Castillo de San Marcos National Monument, and checked out the “Fountain of Youth.” Did we spend a bit of time making kids go to the bathroom before loading the school bus to go back? You bet. Did one kid start crying because he had to go so badly when we were twenty minutes from school? Of course. The bus driver showed mercy and pulled over and told him to go in the bushes. He did not walk into the bushes. He just…went. He was in full view of all of his classmates on the school bus. I mean, his back was turned to us, so thank God for small mercies.

Also, the other bus got pulled over for speeding, which is a feat given that the buses are equipped with a governor that doesn’t allow them to exceed 65 mph. It was a speed trap where it goes from 65 to 45 abruptly. Good times.

In summary, the kids learned a lot more than Florida history that day.

Fransburg (6-2) @ Batavia (6-2)

The Colliders made a bold move and traded for Jakobi Meyers just in time for him to have his worst game of the season. The Raiders game was so bad that the Raiders canned their head coach, GM, and offensive coordinator. They also fired Jimmy Garoppolo as the starting quarterback, who was a big part of why Meyers struggled. Not sure he’s going to do much better with Aidan O’Connell. More like Aidan O’Pieceofshit amirite?

The Colliders are without Trevor Lawrence due to the bye, but will start Will Levis who lit it up last week. He certainly won’t do that again this week, or likely ever again, but there is a brief glimmer of hope that the Colliders can replace their overrated POS QB. They are also with Christian McCaffrey due to the bye and Darren Waller due to the hamstring that has been threatening to put him out all year. Given that Fransburg is more or less at full strength I look to them to run away with this one.

Linn County (1-7) @ North Point (3-5)

I don’t love the Linn County lineup but I think they may have a chance in this one. Jalen Hurts of North Point fame is going up against the Cowboys. Last week he fumbled on the butt push play and that was great to see. Like, seriously, fuck off with that play. I’m tired of hearing the phrase “tush push” and “Brotherly Shove” on repeat every fucking week. The broadcast teams get a new phrase and they beat it into the ground. I’m hearing it now even when Philly isn’t playing. Makes me glad the Phillies lost the NLCS.

Tyler Lockett scored his third touchdown of the year last week to really earn that $60 contract the Chitons are paying him. He could conceivably steal some of Geno Smith’s thunder, but if it’s like most weeks, then Smith will just throw to other guys.

That’s why I’m manifesting a Lumberjacks win. It didn’t work for Ryan last week, but I’m built different.

Madtown (2-6) @ Marshfield (6-2)

Marshfield looked like a real piece of shit team at the start of the year. Now, they look like juggernauts. I think we need to propose a new rule where nobody is allowed to trade with Jason. Somehow he manages to separate all the fools from their coin.

To wit: Justin Herbert starts against his old team this week.

I know Madtown scored a bunch of points last week but one does not “win a trade” with the Pirates. Especially when they have so much hubris they don’t even bother starting a punter. Look for Marshfield to stomp the Marauders into oblivion as they make their run towards yet another title.

Bestine (3-5) @ Oregon (7-1)

The Dream Team is having a “dream” season if you know what I mean. Sure, they’re good, but are they 7-1 good? I guess they’re as good as their record but I’m always amazed at how this hodgepodge lineup can keep putting together wins. Last week they were on the lower end of the scoring but got matched up with the second lowest scoring team of the week. Lucky break!

The Banthas lost their high scoring QB Cousins to a season ending Achilles tear, but fortunately have Joe Burrow who is finally getting hot. He seems to be more or less recovered from his injury and he decided to curbstomp the 49ers to prove it. It sucks to lose Cousins but Burrow may be able to replace the production. Additionally, they just traded for the world’s greatest running back, Gus Edwards, who went scorched earth on the Colliders last week to the tune of 3 touchdowns. I didn’t love that! While he likely won’t do that again anytime soon, at least he’s demonstrated to the Ravens coaching staff that they should let him play more often.

The Dream Team is also showing hubris by not starting a punter and for that reason I’m going with the BANTHAS BABY!

Holley (6-2) @ Culver City (5-3)

The Krakens are scoring the most points in the league by a lot. Last week, Patrick Mahomes cored 1.70 points for them, and they still scored 191 points overall.

What. The. Fuck.

If this continues, they will overcome their bad luck in the beginning of the season and catapult past the Colliders and Dream Team in the Gold Division.

Their running back duo of Mostert and Henry works well, and they’ve got great receivers in AJ Brown and Terry McLaurin. Amon-Ra St. Brown is on the bye this week, so two capable rookies get the start: Zay Flowers and Josh Downs, who’s come on strong lately. They just picked up Trey McBride so I expect a 2-TD day out of him.

I like the Hawks, who are running away with the Bronze division, but I think the Krakens will reach out of the sea with their giant tentacles and pull the Hawks under the surface of the water. In this metaphor, the Kraken drowns the Hawk and emerges victorious.

Tooz Town (1-7) @ Cleveland (2-6)

Cleveland had a fire sale last week, apparently deciding they don’t have a chance to compete this year despite the existence of teams like the GIMB. Even so, they look poised to win this week against the lineup-less and hopeless GIMB.

I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is, though. If the GIMB do somehow win this week, I will gladly drink a beer.

In Closing

With Halloween in the rear view mirror it’s time to start getting pumped about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is great because:

• I get a week off from work.
• I get to cook a turkey.
• There is football on television.

While I enjoy Christmas, I don’t think it gives me the wall to wall entertainment that Thanksgiving does. On Thanksgiving you’re supposed to overeat. You’re supposed to watch football. And as a bonus for the kids, you’ve got the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. So, yeah, I’ll cook all day and have great smells in the house and watch football and then stuff my face. I’ll do that 25 hours a day.

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2023, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.