As Oregon heads into their 6th season in the SCUFFLE Immersion, one thing is clear. The Dream Team have no idea what they’re doing.
“I’ve gotta be honest”, Coach Matuszak admits, “As soon as we felt like we’ve got a handle on things, BAM, somebody tells us that we’re in the “Premier” League? I mean, come on. All this time I thought we were playing FOOTBALL. We’ve been playing with the wrong damn BALL this whole time. The only thing I know about soccer is that it is usually 90 minutes of a bunch of Jason-Enright-lookalikes chasing a ball around, and at the end, Japan wins.”
I reminded Matuszak that the new Premier-style divisions were just going into affect this season, but he didn’t seem to care much about that.
“I really don’t give a shit about this, that, Bronze, Gold, soccer style, hockey-style, Aaron Rodger’s porn stache, or anything other than making sure we compete every day.” I realize that I’m fighting for my job as much as anybody out here. We’re going into Year 6 and we’re 27-38 since we’ve been here. Something’s gotta change around here, and it begins with me.”
Matuszak was honest about his assessment as a Head Coach in the SCUFFLE.
“I probably haven’t dedicated the time and effort it takes to deserve this job anymore, and I need to be better. Yeah, I’m playing with a bunch of jabroni’s from Pennsylvania, Mississippi, Nevada, and Northeast Saskatchewan that I’ve never had the privilege of drinking a beer with, but when people start to put you in a conversation comparable to Jeppsen, that’s when you know you’re on the hot seat.”
I asked Matuszak what “dedicating the time” and “being better” consisted of.
“Well, I put in a bid for Cooks during RFA and I thought compensation was based off where the jackass was originally drafted, not what he’s bid at. I honestly didn’t know it was going to cost me a 1st rounder. But it’s okay. Brandin has done a great job since he’s been here, and the longer I can keep Tom Brady happy, the better. As long as he is a part of this organization, Gisele will keep coming around, and I think I speak for everybody when I say BOOYAH.”
Matuszak admits that his recent draft picks in the 1st round of previous drafts haven’t exactly been slam dunk. Giovani Bernard (1.01) instead of Le’Veon Bell still bothers him. Bishop Sankey (1.08) over ANYBODY in what was a very stacked draft class. And then the 2015 draft that still haunts him, where he took Melvin Gordon (1.02), Abdullah Ameer (1.05), and TJ Yeldon (1.07) over the likes of David Johnson or Jay Ajayi. On top of that, after two fizzled-out seasons, he traded away Melvin Gordon the year before he set career-best numbers.
“I mean, fuck me, right?” Matuszak adds under his breath.
With the mistakes of the past obviously still lingering, Matuszak acknowledged there’s only one thing to do- hydrate heavily and press on.
“I mean, what are you gonna do? It’s the NFL, it’s an ever-changing league. You can be down in the dumps one year and make a couple of roster moves and be right in the mix the following year. We understand 2017 is going to be rough, but we’re also excited about the prospects of a bunch of young guys heading into the future. We’ve got Tom Brady ($23) locked up for another two years if we choose to franchise him at the end of the season, and plenty of pieces to compliment him. Cooks ($33) and Terrelle Pryor ($1) are expected to have productive seasons with their new ball clubs, and even Oregon-grown Tyrell Williams ($1) came into his own last season as an undrafted rookie, finishing as the 17th ranked scoring WR.”
Matuszak knows that his RB crew can’t be relied on to win ball games, and looks forward to losing a combined $79 off of his books when Abdullah, Yeldon, and Ingram’s contracts expire next season.
“Unless something stupid happens, Yeldon won’t be re-signed as an RFA, and Abdullah’s heath coming off of a broken foot is still a concern for us. I’m am, however, excited to see what Carlos Hydedoes this season under a new Head Coach who has always been able to incorporate 1000 yard rushers into the passing game. “
Embarrassingly enough, it wasn’t until the early hours of Tuesday morning that Matuszak looked around practice and noticed there wasn’t a Kicker on the practice field.
“Kickers are like lawyers. You never really give a shit about them until you really need one. I’ve been so preoccupied with trying to pronounce CLINTON-DIX without laughing that I forgot we needed to sign one. So, we went out and signed 45 year-old Phil Dawson last night. He’ll be fine. He’s reunited with long-time punter Andy Lee from their 49er days, so they just hang out with each other and help tie one another’s shoes and stay out of our business.”
On defense, Matuszak admits, it’s a circus. They’ve brought in five DT’s for some reason along with six LB’s.
“I don’t know what the hell we’ve been thinking”, Matuszak groans. “Maybe I should pull my head out of my ass and start spending our cap money more wisely.”
“It’s a combination of being afraid to spend money in the auction on the high-end guys, creating too small of a budget, and then relying on guys’ success from the past rather than putting the time and energy into researching the new talent in the league,” Matuszak says. “The old strategy obviously hasn’t gotten us anywhere, so it’s time to make some changes going forward. One thing I can promise you, though, is that the Dream Team won’t be in the Bronze division for long. We might not make the jump this year, but I guarantee we’ll be in Silver by 2019.”
© 2017, Tim Matuszak. All rights reserved.
This is glorious. I spit my drink at the realization that there was no kicker bit. Well done!
This article is 100% great.
” …but when people start to put you in a conversation comparable to Jeppsen, that’s when you know you’re on the hot seat.”
Nice work, man.
Oh my god, so many laugh lines. “Hydrate heavily and press on.”
This is great! I didn’t find this article until last night when I was in bed trying to fall asleep and I unexpectedly laughed out loud and woke up my wife and my dog. Neither of them found the article as funny as I did.