Week 3 Preview

Week 2 is done, and Derrick Henry single-handedly led the Colliders to victory with a 36.35 point performance. He toted the ball 35 times for 182 yards, scored 3 TDs, and surprisingly added 6 receptions for 55 yards.

Winners

Batavia (1-1), Culver City (2-0), Cleveland (2-0), Tooz Town (1-1), Holley (1-1), Bestine (2-0)

Prediction Record

Week 2: 4-2

Overall: 7-5

2022 Divisions (if they were made today)

Week 3 Matchups

Fransburg (0-2) @ Batavia (1-1)

Both of these have looked like hot garbage at different points this season, but theoretically they could each go off for lots of points. Historically, the Colliders own a 13-9 edge against the (r)EvoLUtion and a 3-2 edge in children sired (that we know of).

The Colliders have made some lineup changes, giving Daniel Jones the start after recognizing that their first round QB is a trash player coached by a trash coach. Mike Williams and his excessive targets gets the start over overpaid and underutilized Robert Woods, so look for both Trevor Lawrence and Robert Woods to go absolutely crazy on the bench.

Fransburg’s wide receivers are pretty tough, so let’s pick the (r)EvoLUtion to get their first W of the season, only to have it reversed on Thursday.

Just kidding, the W will hold. Fransburg in this one. If I’m wrong, I’m happy.

Oregon (0-2) @ Bestine (2-0)

Unlike Robert Woods, Tyler Lockett of the Banthas has already earned his $50 holdout payment, scoring 40 points in two games. That’s a pleasant surprise. The Banthas are winning, and they haven’t even hit their stride yet. You have to figure Ezekiel Elliott will get his act together at some point. Unfortunately for the Banthas Joe Burrow seems to be on the Trevor Lawrence Plan for Quarterbacking Excellence, which teaches new and interesting ways to throw interceptions.

The Dream Team probably won’t have Josh Jacobs again this week. Saquon Barkley and CEH have been HUGE busts so far, but Najee Harris showed a few signs of life last week. Right now the squad is floundering, with a dismal 2-20 All-Play record. It’s hard to see how they turn it around this week.

These teams have only played 3 times in history, with Oregon owning a 2-1 advantage. The Banthas should even that record this week and go to 3-0.

Madtown (1-1) @ Holley (1-1)

Madtown has the overall edge in this rivalry, winning 5 of 8 games played against the Hawks. Every single bit of the Marauders success this year can be pinned to Cooper Kupp, the anti-Robert Woods. Kupp has 16 receptions for 271 yards and 3 touchdowns in 2 games.

And somehow their Pittsburgh wide receivers not named Chase Claypool are performing well. I hate Ben Roethlisberger.

With Lamar Jackson in the fold, it seems like they should have enough to win.

I mean, do you really believe Teddy Bridgewater is the answer? The Hawks apparently do. PATHETIC.

Linn County (1-1) @ Tooz Town (1-1)

Per usual, the Lumberjacks are neck and neck with the Dream Team for worst team. They’ll get another chance at a victory when they play Oregon again.

Tooz Town has an insane quarterback in Kyler Murray, so they’re always dangerous. The Lumberjacks boast last year’s MVP in Josh Allen, but he’s been pedestrian so far. Rob Gronkowski has been picking up the slack for Linn County, but the rest of the receivers are suspect af.

It won’t take much for the GIMB to overcome the hapless Lumberjacks, and they’ll showcase that Garcia is indeed their B.

North Point (0-2) @ Marshfield (1-1)

While I was right about the outcome of the North Point – Culver City tilt, I was wrong to say the Chitons would get humiliated. They looked pretty good last week thanks to Tom Brady and company. Brady finally faces a real defense this week, so it will be interesting to see if he continues his world beating ways.

On the Pirates side, Controversial Trade Boy Joe Mixon regressed to the classic Joe Mixon stat line: 20 carries for 69 yards. He unhelpfully added one catch for two yards.

Lol.

Christian McCaffrey, on the other hand, had another double digit day. The Pirates are also getting mad production out of Russell Wilson. With quality wide receivers in Cooper, McLaurin, and Allen Robinson, the Pirates have the potential to put up points.

Meanwhile the Chitons may have peaked last week. Now they are starting guys like, I shit you not, Latavius Murray, Cordarrelle Patterson, and Henry Ruggs.

Like Jay-Z said in his uninspired verse on Kanye West’s “Monster,” “I smell a massacre.” (Everybody knows Nicki Minaj owned on that track.)

Sorry Tom, but your namesake quarterback won’t have enough this week to overcome the Pirates.

Cleveland (2-0) @ Culver City (2-0)

GAME OF THE YEAR!

In the first two weeks of the season, the Battery have knocked out teams with a combined 7 championships. Meanwhile, the Krakens have posted the best all-play record and second most points scored. WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE OF TITANS?

The Krakens make sense. They have Mahomes, Diggs, and Hopkins, not to mention a strangely relevant Melvin Gordon.

But how are the Battery doing it? They’re heavily leveraged in Browns players and guys like Darrell Henderson (who is playing well!). It seems like the defense is stepping up. Roquan Smith is playing like a man possessed, and they have a high scoring and consistent defensive tackle in Javon Hargrave (someone teach me how you do this). One can only conclude that it’s being done through smoke and mirrors. SMOKE AND MIRRORS I SAY!

Look for the Krakens to smash Cleveland and send them on a shame spiral into the World’s Worst tournament. Mahomes is going to throw for 600 yards and 6TDs to make up for losing last week.

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