Week 6 Preview

Justin Herbert scored the most points in the league last week…from the bench.

Tom Brady went crazy for the Chitons again, and North Point got more than 47 points out of their two-TE set, en route to a stunning 210-point performance.

Winners

Holley (3-2), Cleveland (4-1), Batavia (4-1), Bestine (3-2), North Point (3-2), Fransburg (2-3)

That’s a clean sweep for the Silver Division in Week 5.

Prediction Record

Week 5: 5-1

Overall: 14-16

I’m on the comeback trail! My only loss was the Holley game, where the fantasy gods punished me for my terrible pun.

2022 Divisions (if they were made today)

The two teams with the worst all-play records, Holley and Linn County, both have winning records. In fact, Holley is in first place in the Gold Division!

Week 6 Matchups

Linn County (3-2) @ North Point (3-2)

Well now I have to rethink everything I know about the Chitons. Are they…good? I mean, the Linn County Lumberjacks will never, N-E-V-E-R, score 200 points. I don’t think the Chitons are likely to do it again either, but they keep proving me wrong with their 3-game winning streak. “Keep naysaying, Josh,” I imagine Tom saying, “We love it. We thrive off of it.”

Incidentally, it’s a testament to the strength of the current Silver Division that the Chitons have won three in a row and are still in last place.

Josh Allen seems to have returned to form for the ‘Jacks, ripping off 28 points against a hapless Kansas City squad. But the rest of the team…oof. Javonte Williams is still hoping to one day become a real boy and score more than 10 points in a fantasy game. Keep trying, buddy! One day you’ll get there! The other starting RB is Nyheim Hines, who rewarded Garcia with -0.29 points the last time he was given a starting nod. FUN TIMES!

The lineup does not improve from there. In fact, it’s literally sickening. I am sick to my stomach.

The Chitons aren’t bringing their best either, what with Devin Duvernay filling in for All-World-First-Ballot-Hall-of-Fame-Receiver Cordarrelle Patterson on the bye. Even so, they still have Ekeler who is playing lights out football. I was wrong about him, man. I thought $59 was too much to pay. If this column is any indication, I’m wrong about a lot of things.

But I feel pretty confident in giving North Point the edge in this one. TAKE IT TO THE BANK!

Batavia (4-1) @ Marshfield (2-3)

It would seem that this would be the perfect time for the Colliders to stomp the Pirates into oblivion, given how the season has started. However, the Colliders will be without Alvin Kamara thanks to the bye, and with David Montgomery injured it’s come down to starting the backup running back in Green Bay with the hopes he can steal a goal line touchdown from Aaron Jones. The Colliders are also facing a bunch of other injuries outside of Montgomery- Daniel Jones had his head smashed into the turf last week, MIke Williams and Justin Jefferson aren’t practicing, and Lavonte David is out.

The Pirates have some injuries of their own, with Christian McCaffrey trying to come back from a hamstring injury and Russell Wilson out. Fortunately for them, they were able to get Dak Prescott for a bag of chips from the Lumberjacks, so the QB dropoff isn’t as bad as say, having to start Trevor Fucking Lawrence. Did Urban Meyer quit yet? Did he get fired? We need that to happen.

Speaking of coaches getting fired, it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy in Jon Gruden. Everybody just knew that guy was an asshole (see alienating Khalil Mack through tough guy posturing). That guy just kept failing up. He was unwatchable on Monday Night Football, and I for one have been tired of his act for at least a decade. I didn’t quite know the extent of his full-on racism, misogyny, and homophobia, but it’s zero percent surprising. The only good thing he ever did was advise me to look for big things out of Darren Waller on Hard Knocks.

Jon Gruden getting what he deserves points to a certain degree of Karmic Justice going on this season. This could mean bad things for the Pirates. They tried to start David Montgomery’s backup right in my eye and the dude tested positive for Covid-19. If he’s vaccinated, he could still wind up playing on Sunday (two negative tests 24 hours apart), but it has to be somewhat concerning for Marshfield. Now we just need Damien Williams’s twin brother Darrell Williams, who is getting his first career start in the place of an injured CEH, to also test positive for the ‘Rona. Otherwise, I’ll settle for the Chiefs just throwing it for 600 yards instead of involving the running back.

The most interesting (and potentially frustrating) thing to watch will be Dak’s distribution of passes. Will he favor CeeDee Lamb, the good guy? Or will he throw to the evil Amari Cooper?

JOE MIXON WATCH

Joe Mixon had 10 carries for 33 yards last week. He somewhat salvaged it with a touchdown. He gets a very favorable matchup this week against the Lions, but hopefully the Colliders can somewhat mitigate that with Lions safety Tracy Walker tackling Mixon on every play.

THIS CONCLUDES THE JOE MIXON WATCH.

Both teams are a little undermanned in this one, but I would venture that the Colliders ultimately have a little bit more scoring potential. Let’s go with Batavia in a clunky win, followed by coach Josh Hammond nodding sagely, Jon Gruden style, pointing out that a “win is a win.”

Oregon (1-4) @ Tooz Town (2-3)

After two weeks of high scoring antics, the Dream Team returned to their hometown of scoring in the 130s. Saquon Barkley scored 0.65 before leaving the game with an injury and Clyde Edwards-Helaire scored 2.40 before being carted off with a knee injury. Brutal. The running backs were the strength of the team and now they are decimated with injuries that will likely keep them out multiple weeks. Don’t forget that Josh Jacobs has also missed 2 games this season and he’s questionable this week. Just terrible luck for the down and out Oregon Dream Team.

Tooz Town has also seen their fortunes fall as of late, as their wide receivers are playing absolutely dismally when they are playing at all. Furthermore, Matt Matuszak seems to be about as invested in the GIMB as Urban Meyer is in the Jags. To wit, they’ve started a kicker who is on injured reserve three weeks in a row (and this week not only is he on IR, but he’s on the bye.) I wouldn’t mention it if I were Tim, but next week he should give his bro a ring and tell him that he’s bringing shame upon the Matuszak name.

The GIMB are currently a two-man show with Kyler Murray and James Robinson, who represents the Jaguars’ only hope of staying in games. He’s been on fire the last three weeks. Will those two be enough to overcome an undermanned Dream Team, who are also missing their best WR in Deebo Samuel to the bye?

Yes.

Look for the underserving, checked-out Matt Matuszak score a victory over the high-character but unlucky Tim Matuszak in this veritable CIVIL WAR of a game, pitting brother against brother.

Fransburg (2-3) @ Holley (3-2)

Don’t look now, but here comes Fransburg. Despite their record being underwater, they are currently slated for the Gold Division, thanks to being second in scoring behind the Colliders (Funny, I could have ended the sentence after “second in scoring” but I really needed to let everyone know that I was first. Maybe I should work on that.)

In a bold coaching move, Franssen benched RB Jonathan Taylor during week 4, and it had the desired effect of lighting a fire under his ass. Taylor responded with 23 points in week 5, fueling a Fransburg victory.

The other good news for Fransburg is that no NFL team has figured out a way to cover Davante Adams yet. Look for that trend to continue. Aaron Rodgers gets the Bears this week. Rodgers vs. the Bears is like Adam Sandler destroying a bunch of elementary school children with a dodgeball in the classic film Billy Madison. It should be a good week for the Rodgers/Adams combo is what I’m saying.

Incidentally, Sam Darnold fell on his face last week and Rodgers now has almost as many points as him. Let’s see if this trend continues, and the universe begins to correct itself.

Now let’s talk about the second worst team in the league, the Holley Hawks. Yes, they are in first place. Yes, a win is a win. But do they secretly suck?

I don’t think so, actually. Kirk Cousins had a down game, but they have to be encouraged by Antonio Gibson playing well these last three weeks and the fact that DK Metcalf has 5TDs in 5 games (though you’d like to see more targets go his way.) It’s somewhat concerning that Aaron Jones has been muted since his 34-point game in week 2 as AJ Dillon eats into his workload. Hopefully that will happen in a big way this week, but otherwise you have to assume Jones has some more big games in his back pocket. The real kick in the nuts is Trey Sermon, who couldn’t hold the starting job over Elijah Mitchell. Sermon was only on the field for 2 snaps last week.

I don’t think the Hawks are the second worst team in the league, but they have about as much of a chance at winning this week as Jon Gruden has of being the grand marshal of a Pride parade.

Madtown (1-4) @ Cleveland (4-1)

The Cleveland slide did not, in fact, happen. They scored an impressive 168 points thanks in large part to a stout defense that included Hasaan Reddick (a steal) scoring 19.50 points and Derwin James scoring 21.95 thanks to 9 tackles, 7 assists, a forced fumble, and a sack. That dude is lighting it up this year. Wasn’t he on injured reserve all last year? That feels right, but it’s not like I’m going to look it up.

We have a lot of fun here calling the Marauders the MaFRAUDers, but they actually looked pretty decent last week. It’s not their fault they ran into the BUZZSAW that was North Point and their 210-point performance. Of course, they left Justin Herbert on the bench in favor of Lamar Jackson, which isn’t actually insane since Jackson had a great game as well. If I were Matt I’d trade one of those two QBs to the Colliders. Madtown also got epic scoring from their defensive line, which helped to mask the weird start of Zero-Point Matt Milano.

Cooper Kupp has fallen off. He’s still getting double digit targets, but without the touchdowns he’s pretty ordinary. Fits right in with the MaFRAUDers theme. Justin Herbert gets the start this week, and the Chargers are playing Lamar Jackson and the Ravens. We might have a quarterback controversy brewing, and this can only end one way – whichever QB Matt starts that week will have fewer points than the one he benches. MARK IT DOWN.

Overall, I don’t think Madtown’s defense is going to score as much this week (volatility, yo), and I have a lot more confidence in Cleveland’s offensive players. They got burned by me last week when I lobbied for Derek Carr to start. Carr scored a season low 4.43 points while Baker Mayfield posted nearly 16 from the bench. The moral of the story is that nobody should ever listen to me. Looks like Ben has learned his lesson, and Mayfield is back in the lineup. I think that will be enough to get the W against Madtown (more like BADtown, amirite?)

Bestine (3-2) @ Culver City (2-3)

The Banthas looked good last week in their decimation of the Pirates. The Krakens looked good in their tough loss to the Colliders, and even clawed their way back into the Gold Division discussion for next year. The Krakens could be the best team in the Gold despite their current position of last place there. The Banthas are in a stacked Silver Division that will only send 2 teams to the playoffs when it might be true that all four teams deserve to go.

In Bestine, one might argue that the strength of their team is the wide receivers. However, they had a down game last week, but were picked up ably by Ezekiel Elliott and Leonard Fournette. The Fournette Renaissance continued last night as he scored 2 touchdowns for Bestine to give them the early lead.

The other Bantha to be reborn is Antonio Brown, who has seemingly set aside the crazy/criminal elements and focused on his game. He’s scored double digits the last couple of weeks. What’s going on with him legally? Didn’t he commit some crimes? Obviously that doesn’t matter to Banthas owner Ryan Lindsay. If he was squeamish about NFL players being criminals he wouldn’t be a Bengals fan.

The Krakens helped the Colliders out last week by benching Myles Gaskin. Now, if you look at his scoring history, this move makes total sense. Of course, Gaskin had the game of his life on the bench because fantasy football is a game best suited to masochists. He finds himself in the starting lineup this week with a tasty matchup against the Jaguars. I will 100% be getting the Jaguars/Dolphins game on local television. Thrilling.

Part of the reason the Krakens are losing can be traced back to their wide receivers. Where has Stefon Diggs gone? Could it be true that he used up his last ounce of talent in last year’s championship game just to spite me? Did you know that DeAndre Hopkins hasn’t topped 100 yards receiving in a game yet this season? Hopkins is 18th among wide receivers in scoring. Diggs is 29th. They need to step it up.

Patrick Mahomes is still lighting it up, but he’s turned the ball over 7 times in 5 games. There’s just something a little off with him, which is turning a bunch of 20-point games into 16-point games (but I will still trade you for him, Marcot, don’t get me wrong.) Will the Chiefs get it together and go back to dominating? I think they will. When Mahomes clears up the turnovers, he’ll be truly unstoppable.

I like Mahomes’ matchup against Washington Football Team, who are owned by someone every bit as racist, homophobic, and misogynistic as Jon Gruden, but who will not face the same punishment as him because he’s a billionaire. Oh, the WFT have to be run by someone else for a little while? Oh, it’s his wife? Oh, he was at the games anyway? Coolcoolcool.

But let’s not forget that the Banthas have a little quarterback of their own called Joe Burrow. He gets the Lions this week. SHOULD BE FUN (unless you’re a Lions fan.) Getting 40 points out of Fournette (great pickup) and Brown is a nice start. I think the Banthas have enough firepower to finish the deal.

Enjoy the weekend, and enjoy the games!

© 2021, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.