Week 8 Preview

Cooper Kupp led all scorers with 26.80 points. It was the third time he hit 26 points in a game this season. Did the Marauders win? Of course not. But Cooper Kupp is definitely a bright spot.

This week’s column is coming at you from various airports, as I make my way from Gainesville to Chicago so that I can take in the splendor of the 49ers playing at Soldier Field. Those are like two top teams, man. Should be a great game and not terrible in any way.

Winners

Marshfield (4-3), Tooz Town (4-3), Bestine (5-2), North Point (5-2), Linn County (4-3), Oregon (2-5)

The Banthas and Chitons moved up, and the 5-2 Battery fell to third place because they had the temerity to lose a game in the rough and tumble Silver Division.

Prediction Record

Week 7: 3-3

Overall: 22-20

We’re back to that early season mediocrity we know and love. It’s a safe place, mediocrity. No expectations of greatness. By the way, I was just joking about donating a kidney if the Lumberjacks won. Haha, funny, right?

2022 Divisions (if they were made today)

Currently three of the Silver Teams are slated for Gold. Bestine has fallen out of favor despite being first in the Silver Division. Weird, man.

Week 8 Matchups

Some things just don’t make sense. For example, the Krakens have lost 5 in a row and the Chitons have won 5 in a row. Also, the Lumberjacks fended off the (r)EvoLUtion for first place in the Bronze, which is nuts because Linn County sucks. Anyway, it’s a crapshoot these days, so I guess I’ll do my best?

Batavia (4-3) @ Madtown (1-6)

Madtown must have been feeling good after week 1. They went on to lose 6 in a row. This shapes up like a “get right” game for Batavia, given that they put up the 2nd most points last week, even with everyone on the bye. Seriously I want somebody to run the numbers about how often the top-2 scoring teams in a given week are playing against each other. It seems like it happens a lot!

Justin Herbert gets the start for Madtown since Lamar Jackson is on the bye, and Dalvin Cook seemingly returned to form the last time he played. Cooper Kupp is getting all the looks from Matt Stafford. Kinda makes you wonder if Matthew Stafford is racist. Why isn’t he throwing to Robert Woods? Is it because he’s black? Look, I’m not accusing anybody of anything. I’m just asking questions.

Outside of those three, though, it seems like maybe the Marauders are…what’s the phrase? Oh, right, hot garbage. You have to think the Colliders, who have returned to full strength, can pull this one out. You just have to. Please?

Let’s go with Colliders to win, though I’m not ruling out a season high for points scored out of the Marauders this week.

Culver City (2-5) at Fransburg (3-4)

It’s weird that these two teams don’t have winning records. After I talked up Patrick Mahomes for his ability to put up 15 points even when he has a bad game, he put up an all-time clunker, scoring just 2.78 points against the *checks notes* Tennessee Titans. Wowzers.

He squares off against Aaron Rodgers, who has put to rest the fake QB “controversy” with Sam Darnold, who flew too close to the sun and is back to being a pedestrian QB with the likes of Daniel Jones and every other Colliders quarterback. Rodgers put up a Daniel Jones (on a good day)-esque performance, only scoring 13 on Thursday night. Davante Adams got the Covid and didn’t play. Could this be the week the Krakens finally pull their heads out of their asses and win?

Maybe!

I’m having a really tough time believing in them after their 127-point outing last week. Plus, Fransburg still has a lot of firepower at WR, not to mention RB Damien Harris being kind of good now. Jonathan Taylor continues to play well, and you’ve got to like Nick Bosa’s chances against a rookie QB. I’ve been burned picking Fransburg in the past, but I think they’ve got enough juice this week.

Marshfield (4-3) @ Oregon (2-5)

Joe Mixon regressed to the mean from his season high since he wasn’t playing the Colliders. He gets a TASTY matchup against the Jets, so if he doesn’t break 20 points you know he’s a bum for real. They are starting another Williams guy at RB but I can’t be bothered to figure out which one.

Dak Prescott is questionable for Sunday night’s game but the Dream Team shouldn’t get their hopes up. He should find plenty of time to throw passes to Amari Cooper, and that could make the Pirates dangerous this week. However, I kind of like Oregon to start a little mini-run here. We’ve been talking a lot about their running backs (mostly injured or on byes this week), but did you know that the Dream Team have two wide receivers in the top-10 in Deebo Samuel and Marquise Brown? HOLLYWOOD BROWN! I did not realize he was having a good year. He’s not playing this week.

Still, the 4-wide set the Dream Team is rolling out of Pittman, Ridley, Samuel, and Sutton, has the potential to post a lot of points. Let’s hope they come through and end this scourge of the Pirates being in first place.

Tooz Town (4-3) @ North Point (5-2)

Tooz Town may not be able to capitalize on the guaranteed Marshfield loss this week. They run into the JUGGERNAUT that is the North Point Chitons. Everything seems to be going right for North Point; to wit, James Conner touched the ball 5 times on Thursday night and scored two touchdowns. James Effing Conner.

Nick Chubb might return this week, so the D’Ernest Johnson experience will likely be limited to that one game he played where he scored 17 points against the Colliders. Fuck D’Ernest Johnson. I’m glad Nick Chubb is coming back. Hopefully The Earnest Johnson falls limp this week and doesn’t even make the stat sheet, giving Tom the goose egg. It’s what Tom deserves.

So, if James Conner scored 2 rushing TDs on Thursday, and Chase Edmonds scored the other rushing touchdown, that means TTG QB Kyler Murray…

…shit the fucking bed. Wow, 4.41 points out of one of the best players in the league. That’s tough to come back from. The only possible way for Tom to fuck this up is if he does something crazy, like start Jalen Hurts over Tom Brady.

(holds finger to ear) I’m being told that Jalen Hurts is indeed starting over Tom Brady. He has an easier matchup against the Lions, for sure, but all that means is that the Eagles will actually get to run the ball. Tom, you’re better than this! Tom Brady is going to haunt your dreams. He’s going to throw 3 TD passes to Mike Evans from your bench and throw 0 passes to Chris Godwin.

Holy shit, the GIMB are going to survive Kyler Murray’s worst game and win this one.

Holley (3-4) @ Cleveland (5-2)

The Holley Hawks are so bad, y’all. And yet they are currently in line for a playoff spot. It can’t end that way, right? You can’t just score the fewest points in the league and make the playoffs, can you? They are 0-3 in the Gold Division, so it seems like some tiebreakers are going to go against them later, assuming the Krakens can actually win a game someday.

They’ve jumped out to an early lead against the Battery, with Aaron Jones scoring 16.50. Their lineup does not look terrible. They get Nick Chubb back and it looks like Antonio Gibson will play. Will it be enough?

My 6-yo slammed her finger in a door at church, so I had to spend 3 hours in the ER while we waited for x-rays to see if it was broken. It was. However, the doctor said it would heal in about a week. A WEEK! That is fast. Only Baker Mayfield heals that quickly. I thought that dude was going to be done for a while! Guess not! It would be nice to see him absolutely torch the Steelers and their limp-armed useless quarterback.

I still have a lot of faith in the Battery defense, but I cringe at seeing Odell Beckham in the lineup. I know it’s Halloween, but do we really need to be putting ghosts of their former selves into starting lineups? I submit that we do not. Still, the other WRs are good and the punter should get LOTS of opportunities against the Browns, so I think the Battery will bounce back.

Bestine (5-2) @ Linn County (4-3)

The Banthas have more hits than misses this year, and have found some good players on the waiver wire and in the auction. They are cursed to play in the most competitive division this year, so it’s anybody’s guess if they’ll finish in the top-2 and go to the playoffs. If they do, they’ll be dangerous.

Linn County is not dangerous. But they have a lot of heart, scoring the 2nd fewest points and leading the division. They somehow beat back a powerful Fransburg team last week, proving that these games aren’t played on paper (they are played on spreadsheets and databases).

I don’t know what a Deonte Harris is, but other than that, the Bestine lineup looks pretty good. Good enough to beat the Lumberjacks.

LOL, of course!

Enjoy the games everyone!

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