2023 Week 6 Preview

Winners

Batavia (5-0), Oregon (4-1), Marshfield (5-0), Fransburg (4-1), North Point (2-3), Bestine (2-3)

Every Bronze Division team lost last week.

Prediction Record

Last Week: 3-3

Overall: 18-12 (.600)

Back to the warm, comfortable embrace of mediocrity.

2024 Divisions (if they were made today)

North Point and Bestine swapped places and Fransburg took over as the league leader in scoring and all-play record. Culver City is only 2-3 but is second in scoring. Bad luck, man.

Week 6 Matchups

I went to the urgent care to follow up on my failed ear and the person who saw me was the mother of one of my students. Very fun. She was like, “shit, none of this worked, let’s refer you to the ENT.” But then I called the ENT and they didn’t get the referral. So I had to fax it myself, using my fax machine that I definitely have (just kidding my wife had to bring it to work to fax it.)

Not to be Jerry Seinfeld, but what’s the deal with fax machines? We all have phones that can scan and email documents now. Why are people holding on to the fax machine? My at-home printer scans documents very well and sends them to my email so I can send them wherever. The UF Health system is overrated in my opinion if we’re still relying on fax machines.

The reason they didn’t get the fax from the urgent care, by the way, is that they changed their fax number and I guess never told anybody. I can’t remember if everything is a cluster everywhere or if this is just a Florida thing. But at no point since I’ve been here have I had to deal with something and said afterward, “that was convenient and easy.”

When you set up appointments here and take time off of work, people routinely just don’t show up. It’s wild. Everyone is in slow motion here and I just want one (1) company to be good at what they do.

If you’d prefer to stop reading my rants, feel free to sign up for next week! You can be the one ranting here about your medical troubles!

Now, for something good. Did you see the 49ers utterly dominate the Cowboys? Man they are good. I trust that every player will stay healthy through the NFC Championship game this year and we’ll be in the Super Bowl. Can’t wait until they destroy the Lions and Eagles in the playoffs.

Holley (3-2) @ Batavia (5-0)

Man, things were not looking good for your Colliders heading into the Monday night game. They had a 2% chance of winning against the GIMB of all teams, but then Jordan Love came out and threw 3 interceptions! Two of them were to Colliders linebacker Robert Spillane! He’s someone you’ve definitely heard of. Unfortunately for me in my dumb work league I played Jordan Love over Justin Fields. I’m very good at this.

Speaking of starting the wrong players, the Hawks were two weeks late on starting Achane. And now he’s on IR. Thanks Obama. The Colliders respond with an IR player of their own: Justin Jefferson. He joins Mike Williams on the sideline as the Colliders scramble to fill out a starting lineup. The waiver wire is grim, folks. After CeeDee “on the” Lamb, the Colliders now much choose two of the following: Curtis Samuel, Quentin Johnston, and Jameson Williams. Samuel is the most reliable despite the first round draft capital of Johnston and Williams. At least they (maybe) get Austin Ekeler back after a four-week absence. I think Ben Pershey may have cursed me by saying we’d go undefeated. The fantasy gods were like, “not if you’re starting Jameson Williams, you won’t.”

The Hawks are in rough shape, too. Achane is gone. Breece Hall is back, which means Dalvin Cook is “cooked.” They still have Kenneth Walker III to lead the backfield who should start alongside James Cook, I guess. The younger Cook is also kinda “cooked” in that the Bills prefer Damien Harris and Latavius Murray near the goal line.

The Hawks have a strong linebacker corps with Foye Oluokon, Quincy Williams, and Quay Walker, though Quay is on the bye this week. The Colliders counter with Spillane, Cody Barton, Kyzir White, and Devin White. They are still waiting for Nick Bolton to stop being such a baby about his ankle.

Both teams are understaffed this week but look for the Colliders to capitalize on CJ Stroud’s first interceptions of the season.

Tooz Town (1-4) @ Oregon (4-1)

It’s brother versus brother in this Civil War! It’s too bad these teams aren’t more evenly matched. After all, the GIMB couldn’t even overcome Robert Spillane last week.

You can throw the records out, however, when these two teams get together. They have fought to a 2-2 draw so far in the four games they’ve played against each other. I like to imagine that the winner gets some kind of trophy, or maybe the love of their parents. They’ve got a Jason/Travis Kelce thing going on over there on the left coast.

Oregon is having bad luck of their own as they can’t keep their star quarterback Anthony Richardson healthy. They have Deshaun “Medically Cleared” Watson who decided to bench himself last week. With a matchup looming against the 49ers I’m guessing he’s still not at 100%. So I guess Trey Lance gets the start in that situation?

I’m actually kind of surprised that Oregon is 4-1 as I look at their roster. At least Josh Jacobs is starting to return to fantasy form. The wide receivers are okay and the tight end scored 3 touchdowns last week after a season of doing nothing. My guy Kittle will likely finish with 6 TDs on the season and the other three will come in the same game. But they will have Christian Kirk as a somewhat reliable target after week 7, assuming he’s still healthy by then and doesn’t get the Hamstring Scourge.

Tooz Town has yet to wise up and start MVP candidate Brock Purdy in the lineup. Instead they roll with Dak “I hate throwing to Lamb” Prescott and Jordan “I only complete half my passes” Love. Silliness. If I were them I’d simply start my best quarterback.

Aaron Jones was a scratch on Monday night but that didn’t stop the GIMB from playing him. Jones is on an incredible run where he has started all 5 weeks despite only being active for two of them. Will they start him this week, when he’s on the bye? Probably! You can’t interrupt greatness.

It almost didn’t matter as Zack Moss made Jim Irsay look incredibly foolish for giving Jonathan Taylor a bunch of money. Moss scored 23 points and Taylor just hung out on the side most of the game. Zack Moss sucked so hard for the Bills that he got traded. Now he’s a beast? Dude’s about to get a PED suspension imho. Probably why they signed Taylor tbqh.

The wide receivers in Tooz Town are pretty good which makes me think Matt can pull this one out. Enjoy the love of your parents! Sorry Tim, maybe next time!

Madtown (1-4) @ Fransburg (4-1)

Madtown gets Justin Herbert back and everyone is hoping he gets Quentin Johnston involved in the offense. They also got huge games last week out of Breece Hall and Travis Etienne. Those are two guys that spent a lot of time on Madtown’s IR and now are paying dividends.

Speaking of injured players, they got Cooper Kupp back last week. They should have started him instead of Marvin “Mad Madam” Mims. But the Marauders are looking pretty decent as they get back to full strength. Could they have the juice to pull off the upset of the century?

Well, let’s not get too crazy. Fransburg popped off for 188 points last week. Ja’Marr Chase is back baby! Travis Kelce immediately got injured which seemed like a trade curse, but then he came back in and scored a touchdown. With a Thursday night game, however, it’s possible Kelce could sit this one out. Speaking of Kelce, Aaron Rodgers has challenged him to a “debate” about vaccines. We used to be a proper nation, where football players didn’t challenge people to debates but instead put those kind of people in trash cans. The NFL did their level best to rehabilitate Rodgers’s image with Hard Knocks and now he’s an unemployed loser saying, “debate me.” Sad, when you think about it. A-Rod could have been getting down to this sick beat.

Fransburg has great wide receivers but are struggling to keep two running backs healthy. Right now it’s Kyren Williams and a stale bag of cheetohs. Tough to win the position. If Kelce doesn’t go this week they can return to Dallas Goedert, who ate shit ALL SEASON LONG and popped off for 17 points the minute Franssen benched him. Makes you wonder why we play this game.

My heart wants to pick the upset here, but my head says no, the (r)EvoLUtion are one of the best teams in the league. If you don’t agree then you can debate me on my podcast.

Linn County (0-5) @ Bestine (2-3)

Justin Fields has gone nuclear two weeks in a row but it doesn’t matter. The Lumberjacks can field a 30-point quarterback and still lose. They did it for years with Josh Allen. Thankfully David Montgomery is also good this year. They get Javonte Williams back this week but…

At wide receiver they have Jaylen Waddle and Mike Evans, the latter of whom has been good this year. But their defense is lacking. Micah Parsons went from being great for two weeks to whining about holding every play these days. The Cowboys are dysfunctional. You love to see it.

Bestine got their Burrow back and that has to feel good. He even scrambled which makes me think the worst of his injury might be over. But it’s got to be hard to start him this week against the Seahawks when you could be starting Kirk Cousins against the Bears.

The Banthas lost James Conner to IR this week with a knee injury. Now their running backs are D’Andre Swift and a stale bag of cheetohs. Not great! They’re better off at wide receiver with Stefon Diggs and Adam “Spot of” Thielen, who is remarkably reliable thanks to garbage time. Is it enough? I mean, probably this week, right? Do you think the Lumberjacks can win? I’m open to the possibility but I need to see it before I pick them. BANTHAS WIN!

North Point (2-3) @ Cleveland (1-4)

The Battery are 1-4? Oh, so they’re like Cleveland Cleveland.

I bagged on the defending chumps last week and Tom responded with a convincing win. I hate Jalen Hurts and I hate that these fools already have KJ Osborn rostered and will benefit from my misery. It is objectively funny, however, that Tony Pollard has scored fewer points than the week before in every outing. He peaked in week 1 and is on a collision course for -5 points by week 10. The overpaid Tyler Lockett will make his Chitons debut this week, and if history is instructive in any way then suddenly he’ll be a monster pass catcher and the Chitons will luck into another successful campaign. I think Tom got so mad about being called lucky one time that wrote an article about it with a bunch of nerd stats.

Haha, I may have totally mischaracterized that article. Still, I think we can all agree that Tom should not win games. Starting two tight ends? In this economy?

Still, I think he might! The Battery completely sputtered out last week.

I like that they roster both Las Vegas wide receivers, though. Strangely, that’s not really a bad idea. Unfortunately for the Battery, Jalen Hurts has decided Devonta Smith should never catch the ball anymore. “You had your fun in weeks 1 and 2, Devonta, but it’s time to pass to the dumb tight end,” said Hurts.

Josh Allen should provide fireworks for the Battery regardless of whether the Bills win or lose, but two butt pushes later and suddenly Hurts’s sloppy game is salvaged. So no advantage for the Battery there. I think the defending chumps will roll into Cleveland and win.

Marshfield (5-0) @ Culver City (2-3)

Raheem Mostert is back in business for the Krakens now that Achane is on the shelf. Not that they need additional firepower. They have scored a lot of points but can’t get over the hump. They are second in scoring and should be able to defeat Marshfield, who jumped up to 6th in scoring.

Should be able to.

Jason did something to appease the fantasy gods. I need Tom to do some nerd research and see just how lucky the Pirates are to be 5-0. It’s not that they are bad. It’s just that they are getting all the bounces. Surely that’s not sustainable when Rusell Wilson is your quarterback. Sure he’s the 9th ranked quarterback. But, come on. Right? Come on.

Culver City inexplicably shit the bed last week. Derrick Henry missed on his TD pass attempt. Dameon Pierce isn’t finding much room. Sam LaPorta is good. I’m trying to figure out where they are scoring all of these points outside of Mahomes. Danielle Hunter is pretty solid despite being four thousand years old.

I’ll tell you what, I’m not finding enough points to best the Pirates this week. Maybe the only way to end their reign of terror is to pick them to win.

Pirates easily defeat the Krakens this week.

In Closing

I was trying to find out if there are more injuries this year than usual, or if they just seem to be happening to more notable players. It’s tough to find any data. I’d wager the NFL isn’t eager to share any injury data. Speaking of wager, the DraftKings™ In Closing Section is brought to you by DraftKings. Sign up now for a free 50 Immersion Bux and get the hottest tips for week 6.

Anyway, it would be nice if players didn’t get injured. Especially players named Justin Jefferson (and don’t sleep on Mike Williams! My receiving corps is gutted!)

Enjoy the games everyone, and may your players survive to play another week.

© 2023, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.