2024 Week 1 Preview

Winners

We’re all winners right now. We can happily anticipate the start of the NFL season. We hope our deep sleepers pan out. We can actually enjoy ourselves for the moment. Pretty soon we’ll be 1-4 and cursing the TD vultures, refs, and concrete astroturf that wrecked our star player’s knee. Yeah, it’s all downhill from here.

Prediction Record

Here’s where I’ll brag about how good I am at predicting fantasy football games. I don’t know why I do this, but you should join me. Last year, Ryan and Ben each stepped in for a weekly preview, and that was great. Or perhaps we can turn this weekly feature into a podcast. NO MAN IS AN ISLAND SO I CAN’T DO IT ALONE.

2025 Divisions (if they were made today)

Watch here for the rise and fall of team fortunes as their all-play records determines their division placement next year. If you’re good, you get to be in the Gold Division, where 75% of the teams make the playoffs.

Week 1 Matchups

Well, summer is over and that sucks if you’re a teacher. Not that we don’t like teaching, but there’s something to be said for not working. I could get behind that kind of lifestyle. We were lucky enough to go to Europe this summer and it was hard to return to the regular grind. My family got to spend an extra week in Chicago and I had to fly home to start work on JULY 31st. That’s simply not when school should begin. It’s unAmerican is what it is. Sure, that date was just for teachers. Kids started on August 12, which is also unAmerican, but not as unAmerican as my start date.

Fransburg (0-0) @ Batavia (0-0)

The Colliders bet on Justin Jefferson and gave him the franchise tag over CeeDee Lamb, who had his best season ever in 2023. Jefferson’s rookie quarterback promptly got ACL’d or something, so he’s out for the season and it’s Sam Darnold time. That’s suboptimal. After a couple seasons with stud McCaffrey, the Colliders roll out some dusty old running backs playing for new teams. It’s probably not a formula for success.

Meanwhile, Fransburg starts JaMarr Chase, who may or may not play. They also have Tyreek Hill, Puka Nacua, and Garrett Wilson starting, which is a pretty nice WR corps. Honestly it’s probably going to come down to the quarterbacks. Lamar Jackson will probably outplay Will Levis. The Colliders weirdly opted NOT to address the QB room this offseason, outside of drafting Drake Maye-be One Day He’ll Play But That Day Isn’t Today.

Look for the (r)EvoLUtion to improve their record against Batavia to 11-17.

Oregon (0-0) @ Dingle (0-0)

Jim Lawson joins the Immersion crew in replacement of Jonathan Marcot, who has been worryingly out of contact all summer. The Krakens didn’t participate in the auction and only had 17 players on the roster. Lawson stepped in somehow got that number up to 37, but obviously he missed his chance to bid on the best players. That puts the new Dingle Blow-Ins squad at a huge disadvantage in the short term, despite having Patrick Mahomes. I’m very curious to see how the squad shakes out over the next couple of seasons with Lawson having a crack at ALL the offseason activities next year. In the short term, however, I think the Dream Team prevails.

Cleveland (0-0) @ Marshfield (0-0)

Cleveland is going to see what Josh Allen can do with a collection of crumb bums at wide receiver. Is Jerome Ford a legit starting running back? (No.) On the positive side of things, most of their players avoided becoming victims of gun violence this offseason.

Marshfield saw Saquon Barkley’s fortunes improve when he signed with the Eagles. If you happened to see the New York Giants Hard Knocks offseason series then you’ll realize the Giants GM got 100% clowned in that situation. My guy really thinks Daniel Jones is the answer, so this will be his last season I’m sure.

The Pirates also added CeeDee Lamb to the fold. Scary Terry McLaurin probably gets a boost as well with Jayden Daniels at the helm. I hate to say it, but the Pirates look legit yet again. Look for them to outlast the Immersion’s lovable losers.

Holley (0-0) @ North Point (0-0)

Holley has really done the Disney’s Hercules Zero to Hero montage over the last couple of seasons. Last year they won the Bronze and this season they find themselves doing battle in the Silver Division. They took advantage of the Colliders’ boner move (drafting Bryce Young) and drafted a good player instead (CJ Stroud.) I think they’ll be good again this year.

HOWEVER, the Chitons brought Jalen Hurts back into the fold and added Christian McCaffrey. That 1-2 punch is going to win them some games, at least early on before C-Mac gets hurt because Kyle Shanahan can’t lay off of using him even when the 49ers are up 35-10. That means the Chitons win this week, but I’ve got my eye on you, Tom.

Tooz Town (0-0) @ Linn County (0-0)

I like this matchup of old running backs (Henry, Jacobs) against old wide receivers (Cooper, Evans). Tooz Town has a surprisingly decent lineup this year, especially if Jordan Love plays like he did during the second half of last season. Like the Holley Hawks, the GIMB experienced a bit of a learning curve for this league but now it looks like they’ve assembled a competitive squad, so take heart DINGLE.

Linn County is banking on another good season from the Lions, and you have to like the Goff/Gibbs stack if they perform anywhere near to last year’s level. I like Gibbs so much I drafted him 13th overall in my dumb redraft work league. It’s a make or break season for Kyle Pitts. If he sucks again with adequate QB play then I think we can stick a fork in him.

This one is pretty tough to call, but I’m going to go with Tooz Town as I operate under the assumption that Derrick Henry goes off under the lights tonight.

Bestine (0-0) @ Madtown (0-0)

Bestine is one of my favorite teams because they are just so out-of-pocket all the time. You can always count on them to spend 47% of their cap on cap penalties and to go heavy on Bengals’ wideouts. As of press time, they are the only team who hasn’t submitted a lineup. Why not spend $6 on a defensive tackle just to watch him go off on the bench because you didn’t get a lineup in? That’s the Bestine guarantee.

Meanwhile, Madtown is often called Badtown (by me) and it’s legit! The last time they were good was when I held their first round draft pick and a chance to be in the lottery. Em effers won the Bronze Division that year so that I was saddled with the #4 pick. Inconsiderate, really.

(Extreme Joe Biden Voice) Look, here’s the deal, Jack. The Marauders might actually have a decent team this year. They have way too many quarterbacks (including one that’s holding out), but Etienne and Breece Hall are looking pretty enticing after early-career injuries. The Aiyuk situation worked out for them, and everyone is sleeping on Cooper Kupp because of his injury history and the emergence of Puka Nacua. Those two will pack a powerful punch, and they also have what might be a future star in Rome Odunze.

Given all of that, I’m going to go with the BADTOWN MAFRAUDERS this week. I probably won’t be able to use that sick burn much longer.

In Closing

I’m pretty psyched to get this season started! I don’t think my team is as good as it has been the past couple of seasons, but that’s because I haven’t had a good draft since 2020. I rocked Covid. I’m the best at staying home.

I’m about to eat some wings and watch the LB Trenton Simpson of the Ravens go ham on the Chiefs. Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2024, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.