2024 Week 8 Preview

Winners

Fransburg (5-2), Oregon (5-2), Batavia (4-3), Marshfield (7-0), Tooz Town (6-1), Madtown (1-6)

The (r)EvoLUtion are averaging an insane 175 points per game. The Pirates have yet to lose. And what’s with the GIMB? So unGIMBlike. We’ll get to the Marauders later.

Prediction Record

Last Week: 3-3
Overall: 24-12

I predicted Pirates by 60 and they won by 104.

2025 Divisions (if they were made today)

Week 8 Preview

I had a 5-day week at work, a rarity after all these hurricanes, which culminated in our elementary school Halloween dance, held in our gym. In Florida most of the “gyms” are covered outdoor courts, so there weren’t any walls. The dance was from 5 to 7:30 PM with temperatures comfortably in the mid-eighties.

We use the dance as one of our fundraisers because most of the United States, but Florida especially, is against funding schools properly. My job was slinging slushies, donated by a parent who runs a Sonic here in Gainesville. It was a popular item given the heat.

Back in my day we had one (1) Halloween costume and it was Darth Vader and you wore an uncomfortable plastic mask over your face. These days, my kids are claiming to need multiple costumes for different events. GET OFF MY LAWN!

Hattie (second from right if you couldn’t figure it out) has a different costume for the church Halloween event today. It’s a baguette, which is kind of hilarious so I’ll allow it. My eldest child is Lucy (from Peanuts) for work, Meg (from Hercules) for school, and Mabel (from Gravity Falls) for trick-or-treating. Lucky for her she’s got her own money to finance this nonsense.

These days my two oldest children go off on their own with their friends to other neighborhoods. Somehow I became responsible for walking around with Hattie and my wife gets to sit in the driveway and pass out candy while enjoying a tasty beverage. Meanwhile I’m out there with swampass getting 20,000 steps in the Florida heat. It’s so unfair!

Tooz Town (6-1) @ Oregon (5-2)

The Confederacy was short-lived but it left a lasting legacy pitting brother against brother. It’s no different here, as the Bros. Matuszak square off. What’s different this time around is that both of them are good.

I thought for sure the Dream Team would lose last week and to my credit they scored a mere 135 points. The Battery put together a lineup that can only be described as the opposite of a murderer’s row:

The GIMB didn’t fare much better, scoring 140. Regardless, it was their 6th win in a row and it’s hard to pick against them when they roster the second coming of Jesus (Derrick Henry.) The Falcons seem to have remembered that they can use Bijan Robinson, and he’s been lights out the last two weeks. I believe the GIMB will do me a solid and defeat my division rival.

North Point (2-5) @ Fransburg (5-2)

The Chitons masqueraded as a team that had turned things around, but their two-game winning streak ended. It’s back to losing streaks now, because they have no chance against the (r)EvoLUtion.

To be fair, Kobie Turner and Byron Young played well enough on Thursday night, so MFL gives them a 9% chance of winning. If those odds look enticing to you, login to ImmersionBet™ right now and we’ll match funds on all three-leg parlays, prop bets, and loop-de-loops.

(Sorry, annoying betting advertisements have addled my football-watching brain.)

But seriously, any momentum the Chitons had was blunted by Kyren Williams and Andrew Van Ginkel combining for 30. And let’s not forget that Chris Godwin was too much of a good thing. After dominating for the price of a 5th round draft pick, he suffered a season-ending ankle injury. If I were Tom, I wouldn’t look at the future production lost. I’d view it as the current production I robbed from the Colliders.

Nevertheless, the Chitons are in real trouble against the highest scoring team in the league.

Batavia (4-3) @ Holley (2-5)

Jameson Williams is suspended again, which has caused the Batavia brass to lose faith in him. He’ll likely be on the bench when he scores 34 points in his return. Thankfully, Brian Thomas Jr. is living up to his “chalk” pick in the draft.

The Colliders got a head start on Thursday night with Darnold, Jones, Jefferson, and Pirates castoff Ivan Pace performing decently. Marlon Humphrey was welcomed back to the team after Paulson Adebo got hurt in the previous Thursday night game. Given that the Colliders had already started a corner (who played a partial game), Humphrey was on the bench, where he obviously intercepted two passes. But have no fear, he also suffered an injury, which means that the Colliders are down to Trent McDuffie, who seems to be a good corner in real life and thus shit at fantasy.

Even so, what’s Holley got? CJ Stroud? A healthy Kenneth Walker? A resurgent Kareem Hunt? Davante Adams reunited with Aaron Rodgers?

Oh shit, maybe the Hawks can win this. SPOOKY!

Stroud scored 15 points the last time he played the Colts, which isn’t promising for Colliders’ fans, who I assume is everyone. Olave is back after an injury, but hopefully that amounts to nothing with Spencer Rattler at quarterback.

Given last week’s performance against the Marauders, let’s assume the Hawks are SNAKEBIT and give the win to the Colliders. Yeah!

Cleveland (2-5) @ Linn County (5-2)

The Lumberjacks ran into the buzzsaw that is the (r)EvoLUtion last week. Nevertheless, I still like their Lions-based offense. Jahmyr Gibbs has scored in double digits in all but one game, and David Montgomery is useful for scoring touchdowns (though he was injured last week.) Alvin Kamara has been RATTLED by the change in quarterback in New Orleans, but hopefully he can put together a decent showing. Amari Cooper is definitely trending up after being traded to the Bills, who have a competent non-rapist quarterback.

It’s good that Josh Allen isn’t a massage-therapist predator, but he got BENCHED by the Battery last week in favor of Baker Mayfield. And guess what, reader, it was the right call. Mayfield will see action for the Battery again this week. His resurgence is a reminder that the Cleveland Browns are an efficacy-bankrupt organization and nobody can succeed there. Amari Cooper got out and immediately returned to form.

On a brighter note, Nick Chubb returned from yet another devastating knee injury and scored a touchdown. He’ll get the start for the Battery as well.

BUT WILL IT BE ENOUGH? No, not even close. The Battery will always be tainted by their Cleveland association and hence will be cursed. Maybe they should relocate to Wisconsin as the Appleton Applecarts.

Marshfield (7-0) @ Bestine (3-4)

One reason the Pirates are so good is that the GM of the Giants is so bad. I watched that offseason Hard Knocks and you could tell the owner wanted Saquon Barkley back. The GM had different ideas. Joe Schoen famously said, “You’re paying the guy $40 million. It’s not to hand off to a $12 million back.”

LOL, that “guy” is Daniel Jones, who is complete and utter garbage. So it was such amazing poetic justice to watch Saquon Barkley go for 176 and a touchdown against his former team. Obviously this development has been great for the undefeated Pirates. Barkley is closing in on 100 points after six starts.

While the Pirates are good, they aren’t perfect. And if there’s any team that can take them down it’s the resident chaos agents. The Banthas got 21 points out of Joe Mixon after I admonished him for beating women, so they are immune to our social mores. Joe Burrow faces the Eagles this week, where he will likely be sacked 6 times while throwing 4 TD passes in a losing effort. Jalen McMillan will likely produce in place of Chris Godwin, whose luck ran out (for the season.)

Will I actually predict a Banthas win? What of my prediction record? Will I recklessly gamble (using the ImmersionBet™ app) on a character as DICEY as Ryan Lindsay?

Banthas end the perfect season. You heard it here first.

Dingle (0-7) @ Madtown (1-6)

I cannot believe the Marauders scored 104 points and won. They started two players ruled out due to injury and one player who was on the bye. And they won. How?

Well, the Hawks somehow sputtered to 98 points, half of which were posted by the RB combination of Hunt and Walker. They started Juju Smith-Schuster, who left with a hamstring injury before he was even targeted. Courtland Sutton played the whole game, but wasn’t targeted. The kicker was the fourth highest scoring player for Holley. Jeppsen posted a 65% efficiency rating. Losing to the Marauders, who barely eclipsed 100 points, has to be a low point, even for a team that won Futile Franchise like four times.

The Marauders saw Justin Herbert throw for 349 yards and not eclipse 10 points. So Herbert’s out, and Brock Purdy is in (he’s a holdout but you can start your holdouts now that we’ve played 7 weeks.) Purdy is fresh off a 3-interception game and takes on the Cowboys in a matchup of teams that should be good but are actually dogshit.

You would think this game presents Dingle’s best shot at winning. After all, they have Patrick Mahomes. Well, sadly the sucking continues unabated. He threw 2 picks last week, and were it not for a rushing touchdown on fourth and goal where he trucked a 49ers defender he would have ended the day with 2.62 points. For the Blow-Ins to win, they’ll need a 25-point game from Mahomes, which would be the equivalent of his last three games combined.

Madtown’s already got a touchdown from Cooper Kupp, countered by a 2.50-point performance from Jordan Addison. Look for the Marauders to complete a rare two-game winning streak.

The losing will continue unabated for the Blow-Ins.

In Conclusion

Halloween will mark the 4-year anniversary of moving into our house in Gainesville. Technically we moved in on October 30th, and prior to that we air bnb’d some student housing while we waited to close. That first year there wasn’t real trick-or-treating in our neighborhood because of COVID. Instead, there was a Halloween parade and at the end of the blocks there were booths with candy that neighborhood dads passed out with grabber tools. It seems like forever ago, but then again my family just got COVID boosters this week, so maybe time is a flat circle.

Some parts of that COVID Halloween adjustment lasted. For example, many people in my neighborhood hang out in their driveways and pass out candy that way rather than answering the door 100 times and hearing the dog bark 1,000 times. It’s a little easier to do that here than in Chicago, where it often snowed on Halloween. The early Halloween forecast here is a high of 82º, but it will probably be a more comfortable 75º at trick-or-treating time. I’ll still probably get swampass.

Hopefully your fantasy week isn’t too scary. I’m going to try to get all my schoolwork done before Sunday Night Football so I can “enjoy” the 49ers game.

Betting I’ll be asleep before halftime. Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2024, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.