2024 Week 17 Preview

Winners

Marshfield (15-1), Fransburg (12-3), Dingle (2-14), Bestine (8-7)

The Pirates withstood the Colliders’ best game of the season, eclipsing 200 points yet again. The Blow-Ins shocked the world and avoided advancing in the Most Futile Franchise tournament.

Prediction Record

Week 16: 3-1
Overall: 49-27

Week 17 Preview

Okay, the NFL needs to settle down. Stop playing games on Christmas Day, I’m busy. I’m fine with Thanksgiving Day games, but Christmas is a different vibe. Christmas is all about the kids, so I’m not going to abandon my family for hours of football watching. Be so for real right now.

And then, a Thursday game? In this economy? I have no idea how many people watched that one, but I wasn’t among the viewership. And then I got a text yesterday from Adam about something that happened in the football games and didn’t even realize they played two Saturday games. Why? Why would the NFL schedule a bunch of games during the one time of the year when I don’t even know what day it is? The NFL is anti-family. There, I said it.

At any rate, I haven’t seen ANY NFL action so far this week, which is fine. Given that the 49ers aren’t in the playoffs I’ll be surprised if I tune in again before the Super Bowl. I wish the capitalist pigs of the NFL knew that there can be TOO MUCH of a good thing. NFL Sunday doesn’t feel like an event if there have been a bunch of games dribbled through the week. I’d watch baseball if I wanted that.

On to the games (in progress)!

Immersion Bowl XV

I can’t believe we’ve been doing this for 15 years now. Seems like just yesterday when Adam and I were kicking around ideas in an hours-long phone call. Back in 2010 Adam took down the inaugural title, and he’s back in the championship game for the first time since.

#3 Marshfield (15-1) @ #1 Fransburg (12-3)

From start to finish, these two teams have been the best. Marshfield’s only loss came against the Lumberjacks, though they had several close calls over the course of the season. Coach Enright has found ways to win, and unearthed some defensive gems late in the season. The Pirates best football has come at the most critical time – during the playoffs. They scored over 200 points in back-to-back playoff games to get into the title game, an accomplishment Enright is annoyingly familiar with.

Meanwhile the (r)EvoLUtion averaged over 181 points per game, which is unheard of. The previous record for scoring average was the 2020 Batavia Colliders, who averaged 171 ppg. You’ll note that’s a full ten points higher, shattering the record. It seems unlikely that any team will approach that level of scoring in the near term.

Despite the scoring, however, Fransburg fans are nervous. The NFL’s BS slate of pre-Sunday games didn’t work out super well for the (r)EvoLUtion, and Vegas only gives them a 47% chance to win. Zach Charbonnet and Jaxon Smith-Njigba posted clunkers as the Seahawks “defeated” the Bears 6-3 (glad I missed that snoozer.) Ja’Marr Chase and Puka Nacua put up 100-yard receiving games but failed to find the end zone, something Franssen could have used out of them. If they want to win their second title, they’re going to need a huge game out of James Cook and hope that their defensive players can somehow have boom games.

The Pirates still have 16 players left to play, including all of their studs. Saquon Barkley needs 162 yards today to reach 2,000 and I think the Eagles will try to make it happen, especially given that Hurts is out. The Eagles are playing to win the NFC East, so I don’t see him sitting down. How dumb is the GM of the Giants? So, so dumb.

Jonathan Taylor torched the Colliders last week for 218 yards and 3 TDs. If he’s half as good today then the Pirates should be happy.

The Pirates will also have Terry McLaurin this week after an injury scare. So, unless James Cook has Jonathan Taylor-like numbers (or an Alvin Kamara 6-TD performance), the Pirates will add another trophy to the mantle.

Most Futile Franchise

Before we get into the game, let’s enjoy a list of lovable losers:

Year	Owner	Team
2010	Jonathan Lowry	Kamino Bounty Hunters
2011	Nick Stukas	Kensington Dragons
2012	Ryan Lindsay	Bestine Banthas
2013	Matt Giorgianni	Madtown Marauders
2014	Jeremy Jeppsen	Holley Hawks
2015	Jeremy Jeppsen	Holley Hawks
2016	Jeremy Jeppsen	Holley Hawks
2017	Jesse Garcia	Sweet Home Gridiron Gang
2018	Adam Franssen	Fransburg (r)EvoLUtion
2019	Tom Rothfus	North Point Chitons
2020	Ben Pershey	Cleveland Battery
2021	Matt Giorgianni	Madtown Marauders
2022	Matt Matuszak	Tooz Town GIMB
2023	Matt Matuszak	Tooz Town GIMB

#1 Madtown (3-12) @ #4 North Point (4-12)

Madtown was only the second team to lose to the Dingle Blow-Ins, whereas North Point failed to crack 100 points last week. Who will be deemed the Most Futile Franchise among such worthy candidates?

As you can see in the table above, neither owner is a stranger to the “honor” of being named Most Futile Franchise. But the Madtown Marauders have done it more often. HOWEVER, the Chitons might be having one of those cursed seasons. They spent $72 for Christian McCaffrey just in time for the wheels to fall off. They fleeced the Colliders for WR Chris Godwin only to have him go down with a season-ending injury. Deciding between these two teams is like trying to choose your favorite Trump child. All of the options are bad and you feel a little gross for even entertaining the process.

As fate would have it, the NFL has already played about 19 games this week, and Cooper Kupp of Madtown fame ate shit! One catch for 29 yards? THAT’S NOT GOING TO CUT IT, NOT EVEN AGAINST THE CHITONS. The Chitons are looking “strong” with a 47-19 lead and a one-player advantage on the yet-to-play ledger. The Patriots lost to the Chargers 40-7 (apparently) and the Patriots lone touchdown was to Chitons player Demario Douglas. That should be enough!

With the loss, Giorgianni will join the rarefied air of 3-time MFF winner, along with Jeremy Jeppsen. But Jeppsen at least has a title to his name (and so does Tom, for what it’s worth.) Matt G’s futility will one day be unmatched.

Then again, there’s always next year.

In Conclusion

It’s been another great year of fantasy football, though I’d be remiss if I didn’t convey my concern for one Jonathan Marcot, who ghosted last summer and has been out of contact ever since. Still sending positive vibes out into the universe hoping he’s okay.

I’m extremely grateful for Jim Lawson, who came in and handled running a doomed franchise with grace and humor. I am confident he can move the franchise in a positive direction when he has a full offseason to compete in.

I’m also super excited for the Group Chat™! I can’t believe it took us 15 years to get one. It’s already far better than my work/teacher group chat, which I constantly have to mute (it’s the weirdest thing, but I have to have my phone on at work because all messages are conveyed through text. Terrible system.)

Good luck to everyone playing today! I’m really hoping that we don’t get a mediocre Super Bowl this year where the Chiefs somehow win 16-13.

Enjoy the games everyone!

© 2024, Josh Hammond. All rights reserved.