Like an abandoned factory in Detroit, Bestine is broke, dirty, and for some reason still really hopeful. But, who’s to blame for their current state of affairs? Who put them at a $97 deficit on the 2013 cap (27.7% of their allotted $350)? Who is acting like a bulimic high school cheerleader, binging and purging on players as if money grows from the luxurious locks of their Thor-like linebacker Clay Matthews? Who decided that Mark Ingram for Mikel Leshoure was a good trade? Everyone! The manager. The owner. The coaches. The players. The accounting department, okay, mostly the accounting department. Every one of these idiots did a half ass job and shit the bed. That’s why, like the best movies of excess (Scarface, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, EVEN Titanic) everyone needs to die!
I know, it seems bleak and maybe even a little over dramatic. “But, they still have AP and Geno Atkins. Plus, they picked up some talent in Marques Colston, Mike Williams, and Vernon Davis.” Yeah, even a limbless squirrel has an acorn fall to him from time to time. Doesn’t matter. After a lot of deliberation, Bestine has decided that death is the only option. It’s time to stir up that blue Kool-aid and start from scratch.
So, here’s the plan. Clone the important people, aka just owner Ryan, only this time infuse this fresh pile of pink flesh with the football smarts and the mathematic prowess of a 3d grader thats needed to run a fantasy team. It’s not going to take much, as anything is an improvement. And then first things first, Bestine has pledged to stop picking up players on waivers and then dropping them within days. This crazy alternative business plan will hopefully allow the 2014 team to draft and waiver without suffocating under a severe deficit.
All is not entirely lost, though. Despite Lindsay’s best efforts to pile drive his own team into the dirt, they aren’t without talent. They have NO bench, but the starters all have what it takes to carry the team 4 straight quarters. With a little heart and a lot of “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background while running stairs, they might just pull off a miracle. At least that’s how their fan base is starting the season.
So, Bestine fans, hang those “Believe” banners in your windows, take your blood pressure meds, and put your asses in the seats, because with a whole new fresh out the oven management, this is going to be a moderately exciting season.
© 2013, Ryan Lindsay. All rights reserved.
“A moderately exciting season.” LOL.
Great article dude! I admire your goal to show restraint when it comes to acquiring players. That was something that was difficult for me during the auction, and now I have something called a LeGarrette Blount on my team.
Great article. Had me laughing.