Here in Bestine, fans are no stranger to the wild, near acrobatic offseason trades of the eccentric Banthas owner, Ryan Lindsay. However, this reporter can attest that after scouring transactions made by the Banthas this off season to give a timeline, even I got lost in the weeds. Never in franchise history, and maybe league history, have so many offseason moves been made by one team. And, further, the urgency that Lindsay seemed to be making said moves can only be described as hysterically frantic.
There is no way to sensibly pen the timeline, because it would be like describing every instance that happened in a car crash. Much like that crash, it all seems to be a blur of mistakes, regrets, and fear, compiled with excitement, hopefulness, arousal, laughter and joy that the team came out whole on the other side. Lindsay took the Banthas through an offseason version of the boat scene in Willy Wonka, and it was insane. No matter how we got here, the ends justify the means.
The 2017 Banthas weren’t bad. Some would argue with this, but fuck those people, they aren’t in the Gold Division. That being said, the 2017 Banthas weren’t that good either. They tripped into divisional promotion through consistent mediocrity and unlike Lindsay’s beloved Bengals, they made it into the second round of the playoffs before being pummeled by the Pirates. Lindsay seemed to know just enough to get by on dumb luck and beer/wine/vodka fueled lineups. This is what made them the team to watch; this and their loveable oaf of an owner who rides the thin line between a debonair Clooney type and Kevin James-esque, man of the people who married way above their pay grade. I lost my train of thought. Oh, yeah. The Banthas were poised to be the caboose of the Gold division, being relegated back to the land of simpletons and everyday peasants, with their folkish charm and can-do attitudes. That bleak ending is no longer in the cards for Bestine. Now, they are a force with which to be reckoned. (I tried using the colloquialism “a force to be reckoned with,” but that preposition, bleck!) The Banthas believe they have a shot at the trophy this year, their fans are hungry for the crown, and the huddled masses in other markets yearn to move to a city with such vigor, virility, and raw sexual magnetism as Bestine. Again, I digress, I might be going through some stuff.
The 2018 Banthas look to have not only taken notes from past trophy winners, but literally taken their players. Some of the largest highlights of this year’s Banthas team are newcomers Devonta Freeman, Kennan Allen, Mike Evans, Golden Tate, Zach Brown, and Marcus Peters. They have familiar faces Deshaun Watson, Lamar Miller, Rex Burkhead, and Travis Kelce. And they have a group of rookies and second years that are ready for breakout seasons in Baker Mayfield, Sony Michel, John Ross, Corey Davis, and Dallas Goedert. This team has what they call in the industry the “it” factor. They have strength, youth, stamina, and an ass that won’t quit. This team is shiny, and unlike their boring drab days of the past, they are looking at this year with ferocity. This team is stacked like 1990’s Pamela Anderson. Most important when it comes to fantasy football, this team is already lucky. The cardiac roller coaster that Lindsay took his fans on seems to have paid off, and like hitting 21 against the house 5 times in a row, there was some sweat involved over that whirlwind of trades.
The only negative outcome to the past two weeks of trades, acquisitions, drops, and flops, is that once the dust settled, Lindsay thought he did a good job. Which means that going into the 2019 season the Bestine fans are in for a heart attack inducing offseason all over again.
© 2018, Ryan Lindsay. All rights reserved.
Nicely done! I think Bestine did a great job this offseason–there’s a lot to be excited about
” Lindsay took the Banthas through an offseason version of the boat scene in Willy Wonka, and it was insane.”
^^ Very apt description.